


The Family Matter

by Elsey



Series: Life of Castiel James Novak [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 1992, Abuse, Cat, Christmas Time, College AU, Dog - Freeform, EMTs, Emotional Abuse, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Flashbacks, Hospital, I can't give you guys a happy chapter anymore, Impala, Injured Castiel, Library, M/M, Make Out Session, Memories, Panic Attack, Roommates, Secrets, Set in the nineties, Shakespeare, Worried Gabriel, awful dean, castiel's mother - Freeform, deancas kiss, dream land, furious john, guinea pig, i know the ending, my bad - Freeform, no happy ending, older brother gabe, smoochy smooch, verbally abusive dean, you're all gonna be pissed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2018-01-18 17:12:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 50,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1436311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsey/pseuds/Elsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College AU</p><p>Castiel James Novak is in the library on campus when he finds a phone number in one of his books. He eventually discovers the phone number belongs to Dean Winchester, a straight stud caught sneaking around with Benny Lafitte. Castiel needs to make a choice, but will he make the right one?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Pushy Lesbian

**Author's Note:**

> First ever AU... Tell me what you like, tell me what you don't! All characters that are tagged will make an appearance, I promise!

Castiel saw it happen before it even did. He let out an annoyed groan, knowing his toe was about to slam right into the table leg, but it was already on its course and there was no stopping it now. He yelped as flesh hit wood, dropping his three books and bending over to grab his foot. Charlie rolled her eyes at him, a smile lingering on her lips as she dramatically flipped a page in her book. Castiel sneered at her, dropping to the ground and gathering the three fallen research books.

“Clumsy idiot,” Charlie breathed, eyebrows raised as she read a book, attempting to be dramatic.

“Dumb bitch,” Castiel breathed back, sliding into the chair across from her. She held a hand to her chest, faking a look of horror.

“Castiel Novak! How could you! I’m a lady!” she gasped, getting a stern look from the librarian. Castiel was blushing at this point, glancing up at the old woman eyeing the two.

“Charlie, seriously, you know I prefer Jimmy,” he mumbled. Charlie rolled her eyes; it was her specialty.

“Middle names are crappy, your first name is rockin’!” she said.

“Whatever you say, _Charlene_ ,” he said, a sly smile spreading across his reddened face.

“If I didn’t hate swearing, I would call you a-”

“Sh!” she heard from behind her. Another eye roll.

“You’re gonna get us kicked out. Again.”

“Calm down, Novak, get back to your little book,” she said, gesturing to Castiel’s half a foot thick book that was layered in dust. “What is that even for?”

“Shakespeare, I have to do a fourth thousand word essay covering at least three of his plays,” Castiel said with a sigh. Charlie whistled lowly.

“How long until that’s due?”

“Two months.”

“Then why are you starting now?”

“Because unlike certain people, I don’t _like_ failing classes,” Castiel said lowly.

“Was that the infamous sex voice? Too bad it doesn’t work on lesbians.” Castiel was red again.

“Charlie, be quiet, someone might hear!”

“Cas, it’s the nineties, no one gives a crap anymore,” she said.

“Maybe not, but just keep it quiet, okay?” Castiel regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. Charlie stood, looking right at him.

“I, Charlene Bradbury, am a lesbian!” she said, loud enough to get two heads to turn before they went back to their work.

“Out! Now!” the librarian said.

“Jesus Christ, Charlie!” he said, gathering the books he had, glad they were already signed out. Charlie turned and curtsied to the librarian with a wink, who angrily pointed to the door. Castiel dragged her out onto the street; somehow they were both laughing. They sat down on the front steps, Charlie resting her chin on the dark haired man’s shoulder.

“Castiel, why do you hate your name?” she asked, pouting a little.

“C’mon, Charlie, Jimmy is so much easier to explain,” he said, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck.

“Why, because your dad is bat shit crazy and named all of his sons after angels?” Charlie asked.

“You said shit,” Castiel mumbled.

“Castiel is such a wonderful name! Embrace it, love it! Scream it loud and proud! Castiel, gay and friends with a lesbian!” His face turned to a mask of horror and he quickly turned himself around again and again, searching desperately to make sure no one could have heard.

“That took it too far,” he whispered, standing and gathering his books. Charlie stood, stopping him.

“Jim, I’m sorry, please, don’t get mad, you know how I am,” Charlie said, her eyes apologetic. Castiel sighed.

“Just don’t mention that. Ever. Only you and Gabriel know, and it’s going to stay that way,” he grumbled.

“Okay, I promise. Oh, crap, don’t lose that!” Charlie swiped a piece of paper out of midair, snagging it between her middle and ring fingers. Castiel raised his eyebrows.

“Impressive.”

“I have no idea how I did that.” She opened the paper to find a number written down.

_682-9375_

_-D_

“D? Who’s D?” Castiel asked, studying the paper.

“Why do I know that number…” Charlie said. She sat back down, dragging Castiel with her, fist curled under her chin as her eyebrows moved together, deep in thought.

“What, now you memorize phone numbers?”

“I always have, it’s very important to me. Shut up and let me think.” She closed her eyes, and Castiel could tell she was searching her mind palace for the answer. Her eyes snapped open. “Aha! Remember my friend Kirra?”

“The weird one? Yeah, I do.”

“First, shut up, she’s awesome, second, we were at a party and some guy named Del or Dan or Davey or something wrote that on her hand, told her to call him. I hear he’s gay,” she said, eyebrows wagging.

“Fuck off, Charlie, it’s just a number,” Castiel said, crumpling it into his pocket.

“Dean! His name is Dean! Smooth, Charlie, smooth.”

“It’s probably just a rumour, if he’s handing out numbers at parties he probably isn’t gay, Charl,” he muttered, hand moving to the back of his neck.

“Call the number! An adventure, how amazing!” Charlie said in awe.

“Charlie, this could be a girl or a boy’s number. There’s no way it belongs to that Dean guy!”

“It totally does! I heard he and Benny something or other got it on in an alley before they were outed. You should totally call!”

“Are you crazy, Charlie!?”

“Grow a pair, Novak!”

“Already got ‘em, Bradbury!”

“Not from what I can see!”

“Leave it alone, Charlie, please,” Castiel said, again looking around for possible witnesses.

“Jimmy, just give him a call. Maybe you’ll meet your soul mate.”

“Shit, I have to go, class in twenty,” Castiel said, turning.

“Jim!” He turned back. “I won’t be so forward with the whole gay thing, sorry, I’m just a little crazy.” Castiel smiled.

“You’re right. You are crazy.” Charlie punched his arm.

“Have fun in class, Castiel James Novak,” she said, running in the opposite direction. Castiel reached into his pocket and pulled out the note, studying the number. He shook his head at Charlie’s crazy ideas, putting it back into his pocket.

………..

“How was class?” Castiel’s roommate, Garth asked.

“Fine. Crowley was boring as usual,” he said, plunking down on his bed, the note falling on the floor. Garth picked it up.

“Ooooh, who is this?” he asked, reading the note.

“I have no idea, Charlie and I found it in a library book,” Castiel said, trying to swipe it back from Garth.

“No guesses at all?” he replied, studying the hand writing.

“Charlie thinks it’s some guy named Dean, but she’s crazy,” Castiel said, leaning back on his bed.

“Wait, Jim, you don’t mean Dean _Winchester_ , do you?” he asked.

“I don’t know, Charlie didn’t give a last name.” Castiel leaned forwards. “Why do you ask?”

“Last night George was throwing a fit, saying he walked in on Benny Lafitte and Dean Winchester. The whole dorm heard it but you, apparently,” Garth said in a hushed whisper. Castiel hadn’t told Garth that he was gay, but he assumed Garth was guessing at it since he had never had a girlfriend in their four months rooming together.

“What’s wrong with that?” Castiel asked,

“Well, nothing, I ain’t got nothing against the gays, it’s just that apparently Dean Winchester is supposed to be some straight stud, dating Lisa Braeden, and now he’s foolin’ around with Benny Lafitte!” Garth said. Castiel flinched slightly when he said ‘the gays’, but chose to ignore it.

“So the rumours are true,” he muttered.

“What?” Garth asked.

“Nothing. Hey, isn’t your shift soon?” Castiel pointed at the clock. Garth got up, running for the door.

“Gotta run! See ya, Jim!” he yelled, slamming the door. Castiel laid back on his pillow with a sigh, hands running through his hair. Garth had left the paper and Castiel leaned over, picking it up and examining it. He eyed the phone. Castiel startled when it rang, jumping up in the bed. He stood, walking over to it.

“Hello?”

“Cassy, baby, it’s me!” he heard. Castiel groaned.

“Gabriel, please, it’s Jimmy,” Castiel said, hand rubbing his eye absently.

“Nope, Castiel forever and always. Anyways, Anna and I are in town, wanna meet up for a beer?” Gabriel asked. Castiel could practically see his overly hyper brother bouncing on the balls of his feet. If Charlie was into guys, they’d make the perfect couple.

“I can’t tonight, Gabe, I have to start research on something,” Castiel said, eyes moving from the note to the book.

“You got a man over, Castiel?” Gabriel asked. Castiel choked on his spit, coughing.

“Fuck, Gabe, no! Jesus!” he yelled. Gabriel giggled.

“Well, enjoy your evening, Mr. Romantic,” Gabriel said, hanging up the phone. Castiel put his own down on the receiver, shaking his head. He thought about calling Charlie, but she was probably out. He was itching to figure out this Dean Winchester mystery. In a fluid motion, Castiel picked up the phone, dialing the number from the note. His heart was beating a mile a minute, pounding against his chest as the phone rang once, twice. He was hopeful that no one would answer.

“ _Answer the fucking phone already!_ ”

“I’ve got it, dad, shit!”

“ _Don’t you fucking sass me, boy!_ ” Castiel heard, making his hands tremble and want to throw the phone on the receiver. He held onto it.

“Hello?” he heard.

“Yes, hi, uh, my name is Jimmy, Jimmy Novak, is this Dean?” he asked, the words flying out of his mouth.

“No,” the voice said in a whisper. “This is Sam… Is- is this Benny?” Castiel froze,

“No, I just said I was Jimmy,” he said, voice cracking slightly.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you said Benny. Uh, I’ll try and get Dean the phone,” Sam said. Castiel’s breathing was labored as Sam put the receiver down.

“ _Dean! Phone!_ ” he heard.

“ _Who is it?_ ”

“ _Jim something or other._ ”

“ _I don’t know any fucking Jims._ Hello? Who is this?”

“This is Jimmy Novak. Um, I’m, uh calling because I found your note in a Shakespeare book. It, um, fell out, so I thought I’d call the number. Uh, Benny lives two doors down from me,” Castiel said, voice cracking once more. The line was quiet before Castiel heard heavy footsteps and a door closing.

“What the fuck do you want from me?” Dean demanded, voice low.

“Nothing, I just wanted to… to make sure you were, uh, doing fine,” Castiel squeaked out.

“Who the fuck is this?”

“Jimmy- Castiel- Novak. I’m not lying, your number was in a book in the library. I’m sorry, I’ll go,” he said, moving the phone to the receiver.

“Wait!”

“What?”

“You aren’t calling to bash me?” Castiel was bewildered.

“No, I’m not.”

“So you’re… gay?” Castiel gulped.

“You have no right to assume that.”

“No, man, just… My dad, he can’t know, so don’t go spreading it around, okay?” he said, voice stressed.

“No, I would never. Is- is Benny okay?”

“Just so long as George doesn’t tell head office,” Dean muttered angrily.

“I don’t think he would do that,” Castiel said softly. There was a short silence.

“Why the fuck am I telling you this?” Dean asked, seeming to snap himself out of a trance. “Benny and I aren’t even close to serious, just fuck buddies. Fuck! Why did I say that?” Castiel felt butterflies line his stomach.

“I, uh, don’t know,” he said, face turning red over the phone.

“Listen, I want to talk to you, Jimmy or Castiel or whatever. Can you meet me at the library on campus tomorrow at eleven? I can’t talk here and I want this straightened out between us,” Dean said.

“Jimmy, I prefer Jimmy. And yes, eleven would be fine,” Castiel said wondering what in the hell was happening.

“Cas it is then,” Dean said. Castiel could practically feel the smug smile radiating off lf Dean through the phone. He rolled his eyes.

“This is strictly business. I’ll be on the front steps at eleven.” Castiel hung up the phone, feeling as if he had just run a marathon, heart leaping in his ears. He sunk to the floor, head spinning. He reached around himself, grabbing the cord and dragging the phone down. He dialed Charlie’s number.

“I’m a little busy!”

“You don’t even know who it is!”

“You’re the only person who calls me, Jim. What’s up?”

“I thought you were busy.”

“I’ll stop my fabulous life for you. Spill.”

“I’m meeting Dean Winchester at the library tomorrow.”

“How the fuck did that happen!?” Charlie said, coughing as she swallowed her drink the wrong way.

“I… I suppose I was adventurous.”


	2. Gord is one letter away from God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel meets with Dean Winchester at the library, discovering how easy it is to talk to the man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if this may be triggering to some; mention of rape and female manipulation in this chapter. Most likely will come up in future chapters, but will not be anything more than a mention; no detail into the actual acts.

Castiel was sitting on the steps on the library, nose in his Shakespeare research book, eyes rereading the same line over and over. He sighed, realizing that he wouldn’t be able to concentrate until Dean Winchester arrived. He wanted to discuss his affair with Benny, but why? Why was he suddenly nervous as all could be and wanting to meet Dean Winchester? Why did he feel as if his heart was bursting from his chest, nervous sweat on his forehead. He looked around, realizing that he had no idea what this man looked like. He scoured the street, but no one was walking up the steps. He looked at his wristwatch; 10:56. Castiel had arrived ten minutes early, hoping Dean might do the same. He pulled the book back on his lap, pretending to read, eyes peaking over the top as he looked at everyone moving.

“Cas?” he heard from above him, a long shadow cast over top of him.

“I prefer Jimmy,” he murmured.

“And I would prefer to talk to your face, not hair. Get up, let’s go,” Dean said, offering a hand. Castiel ignored it due to his sweaty palms, making it look as he hadn’t seen the hand, already flustered as he gathered his books and stood, nearly tripping over his own foot, blushing furiously. He could tell Dean was trying not to laugh. Castiel gestured to the door, Castiel opening it and going through, holding it for him in one hand and dropping a book with the other. Castiel groaned, reaching for the book as Dean did. Dean handed it to him as they made their way in. Trying not to look at Dean, Castiel quickly moved them to the back of the library, away from the librarian, who just happened to hate him. Castiel dropped the books in a small pile in a back corner, surrounded by books.

“Hello,” Castiel mumbled, still not looking at Dean. He was unsure as to how he would react.

“Why the sex spot?” Dean asked. Castiel’s head snapped up, mortified.

“What? No, no I didn’t-” He stopped when he realized Dean was laughing.

“Calm down man, I’m kidding,” Dean chuckled. Castiel’s heart was beating a mile a minute, slowly trying to calm down. He realized he was looking at Dean. The man had a brown leather jacket on with a black Metallica shirt on underneath. He had faded blue jeans on, leading down to some form of combat boot. Castiel looked up to his face, eyes meeting the most gorgeous colour of green. The vibrant eyes studied his own, seeming surprised at the blueness of Castiel’s. The man was slim faced, a strong jaw line and slightly high cheekbones revealing a perfect mouth cracked into a goofy grin. “Done checking me out?” Castiel didn’t know how, but he was certain that his face was redder than it had been before.

“Why am I here?” he mumbled. Dean shrugged.

“I just wanted to meet you in person, be sure you could be trustworthy not to tell. I know most of the other guys in the dorm, and they’ll keep their mouths shut. Hell, I even know Garth; he’s your roommate, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Castiel muttered, lowering his eyes. They stood in an awkward silence.

“So you spend a lot of time here?” Dean asked, grabbing a random book and flipping through it. Castiel recognized it as a full novel of Edgar Allan Poe books.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” he blurted out, instantly regretting it. “I mean, you probably have better things to do; you know I won’t tell, so… why bother?” Dean put the book back on the shelf, shrugging off his jacket and placing it on the floor. He leaned against the shelf, crossing his arms over his chest and shrugging. Castiel gulped as he saw the muscles on Dean’s arm; he hadn’t been expecting the guy to be ripped as well as handsome.

“I guess I’m just a nice guy,” Dean said.

“No, really, I want to know. Hardly anyone will talk to me, most people know who my father is and won’t say a word,” Castiel said, cursing himself for bringing up his father, feeling like slapping himself in the face. Dean leaned closer to him.

“Who’s your dad?” he asked, green eyes searching Castiel’s pale face. Castiel sighed lowly.

“It isn’t important,” he mumbled.

“Well you brought it up, so you have to spill!” Castiel sighed deeply, rubbing a hand under his eyes. He closed them for a moment.

“Gordon Novak,” he muttered. Dean blew out a breath.

“That at least explains the name,” he said. Everyone around here knew about Gordon Novak. Renowned rapist, father to more children than anyone could count, behind bars at long last. And his signature was that he would brainwash the women he was with, staying until the child was born. If it was a male, it was named after an angel. If it was a female, he was gone immediately after the birth. Castiel buried his head in his hands.

“Fuck, why would I say that?” he asked himself.

“Hey, man, I won’t judge you on your father. Hell, my dad’s John Winchester, you must’ve heard of him.” Castiel shook his head. “Really? That’s shocking, since he’s raving mad. Has been since my mom died.” Castiel looked up.

“I’m sorry about your mom.”

“Thanks.” There was another silence. Castiel didn’t know why, but he could speak with Dean without trouble. It was like he had word vomit, and couldn’t help himself, but he didn’t regret it. “So, uh, do you know most of your siblings?” Castiel had been waiting for that question.

“I’m not sure. I know a great many, but I’m sure there are plenty more,” he said. Dean nodded. Gordon Novak’s hunting ground had been all over the state, but his most notorious case was in the town over, where his current victim gave birth to triplet boys. Two died, and Gordon went into a fit of rage; the police arrived, and when they realized who it was, they arrested him. That was three years ago now. Castiel shuddered at the memory.

“Do you know the youngest?” Dean asked softly. Castiel knew the real question; did he know the triplet with two dead brothers?

“Yes, his name is Samandriel.”

“I thought his dad was arrested before the naming…?”

“You mean our dad,” Castiel said under his breath, eyes on the floor. He looked up to be met by glowing green eyes. “His mother was still crazy at the time. She calls him Alfie now; she wanted a baby named Alfred, but it was too late, she had been calling him Samandriel for about a year before she was finally free in her mind.”

“That is seriously fucked up,” Dean said. Castiel closed his eyes once more. “Why are you telling me all this?”

“I… I don’t know,” Castiel whispered. “I’ve been trying to hide it for the past twenty years, and everyone avoided the topic like the plague. Even my best friend, Charlie, she avoided saying a word. You’re the first person to care, let alone not look at me like a monster spawn.” There was another brief silence as Dean took in the information, chewing on his lower lip.

“Sammy and Adam are my brothers,” he muttered. Castiel cracked an eye at him.

“What?”

“Sammy and Adam; they’re my brothers. Hardly anyone knows who Adam is. My dad went on a drunken bender, and he got his mom pregnant. He’s nine now, I’ve only met him once, when he was three.” Castiel looked at him curiously.

“So I guess I’m not alone, in a way,” he said. Dean shrugged.

“No one’s ever really alone.” Castiel shuffled his feet.

“Thank you, Dean. For understanding.”

“S’okay. I get what it’s like to be a weirdo. I guess you know I’m bi at this point, there’s no hiding it. Lisa’s gone, Benny’s gone… Just me and Sammy now,” he said.

“Well now I’m here too,” Castiel said firmly. Dean laughed.

“You don’t want any part of my fucked up life.”

“I think I do.” Dean chuckled lightly. “Can I tell you something that only two people know, Dean? I feel as if we should have an even amount of secrets.”

“Shoot.”

“I, um, don’t… particularly like… certain people…”

“Cas, I already know you’re gay. It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious at this point.” Castiel let out a shallow breath.

“My mother- she can’t know. She would never speak to me again, the same with my sister, Anna. Only Gabriel and Charlie know. And now you,” he whispered, looking around.

“No one really gives a shit anymore, Cas,” Dean said, shrugging.

“So why don’t you come out?” He froze.

“That’s different, my dad is different.”

“I understand.” They stood in silence as a freshman wandered through, eyeing the two of them as she sipped a coffee. She tripped over Dean’s discarded jacket, gasping at her coffee flew onto Castiel’s shirt. He hissed, quickly ripping it over his head and throwing it on the ground. His chest was already red from the got beverage.

“Oh fuck, I’m so sorry, shit, shit, shit!” she yelled, running over and waving her hands in front of Castiel, unsure of what to do. He touched the sensitive skin and winced, quickly smiling at the girl.

“No, it’s fine, seriously,” he said, bending down to grab his shirt as Dean reached for the leaking coffee. He handed it back to the girl, who was blushing furiously.

“God, I’m such a fuck up!” she said, gingerly taking the drink from Dean. “I’m so, so sorry. Can I get you something? Shit, I’m sorry!” Dean had remained silent, eyes moving over Castiel’s body, licking his lips subconsciously. He couldn’t tell from the long sleeved t shirt the man had been wearing that he was just as muscular as Dean; arms thick and midsection solid. He quickly looked away before Castiel turned, eyes focusing on the girl instead.

“Honestly, that shirt was a gift from my brother, I was going to burn it anyways,” Castiel said. The girl laughed slightly. “I’m Jimmy, this is Dean.”

“Jo. Jo Harvelle.” They shook hands.

“Nice to meet you, Jo,” he said, moving his hand to cover his chest. Dean reached down and grabbed his jacket, throwing it over Castiel. He dropped his dripping shirt, shrugging through the arms.

“Dean Winchester,” he said, shaking hands.

“Isn’t your uncle Bobby Singer?” she asked curiously,

“Well, sort of, he’s like an uncle.”

“He’s mentioned you.”

“Wait, is your mom Ellen?”

“Yeah!”

“Well shit, I thought you were older!”

“Same to you! You have a brother, right?”

“Uh, yes, Sam,” Dean said, tone changing slightly. Castiel watched, feeling out of place in the conversation.

“Small world, huh? Shit, I need to go, I’ve got a shift. Jim, I am so sorry; if I can do _anything_ , I’m usually hiding in here,” Jo said, quickly turning and leaving with a wave behind her, blond hair bouncing on her shoulders. Dean turned back to Castiel, eyeing his bare chest.

“Glenda will have a cow,” he said, shaking his head.

“Glenda?”

“The librarian, she babysat Sam once when I couldn’t. She fuckin’ hates my guts.”

“I don’t see why she would,” Castiel said, a small smile crossing his face.

“Well, you obviously have my number, but I don’t have yours,” Dean said.

“Oh, yeah, I, um, have a pen in one of my books,” he said lowly, dropping his quickly drying shirt and grabbing another research book, grateful that they were dry. He wrote his number on the back of Dean’s hand, a smile crossing the slightly taller man’s face.

“Great, I’ll, uh, give you a call.”

“Dean?” Dean met his eyes. “It’s, um, a little chilly out. And I am lacking a shirt. Would you mind coming back with me, so I can borrow your jacket?” Castiel asked, cheeks burning. A goofy grin crossed Dean’s face.

“If you wanted to go on a date, you should just ask,” Dean said slyly. Castiel’s cheeks burned once more.

“I did not mean, you just ended it with Benny, I just wanted to…” He trailed off, eyes lowered. Dean snorted.

“Dude, take a chill pill, I was kidding. Unless you want to go on a date,” Dean said with a wink.

“Just because I’m… how I am, it doesn’t mean I’ll fall head over heels for you,” Castiel mumbled, picking up his books. It was a complete lie; he knew he was fucked the minute he heard Dean’s voice over the phone. Dean patted his back.

“Sure, buddy. Whatever you say.” They walked out from the back corner, getting odd looks as Castiel struggled to carry his books and shirt while attempting to keep the jacket closed over his bare chest. He refused help from Dean, who walked ahead of him and opened the door. Castiel quickly ducked under Dean’s arms, once again spilling his books.

“Fucking klutze,” he heard, moving out of the way.

“Fuck off,” Dean muttered.

“You fuck off! Who the fuck are you?” the voice demanded. Castiel groaned. Lucifer.

“Lucifer, this is Dean Winchester,” he muttered. “Dean, my oldest brother Lucifer.” Lucifer narrowed his eyes as Dean.

“What are you doing with him?” Lucifer asked, grabbing Castiel’s soggy shirt as his brother stood. “And why are you half naked?”

“It’s a long story. What are you doing here?”

“I’m on a job,” was all he said. Castiel was still unsure of what the thirty four year old did, and he never tried to question him on it. Dean eyed him warily, not liking how he was standing so protectively over Castiel. Dean shook his head. What was wrong with him, he had only just met the guy!

“Good for you. I need to get back to my dorm,” Castiel said, trying to dodge his brother.

“Come on, Castiel, socialize with your brother!”

“He prefers Jimmy,” Dean said, nodding at Castiel. He tried to bite back a grimace, not wanting Dean to deal with Lucifer’s explosive personality.

“Oh, I’m sorry strange person I just met, why don’t you give me instructions on how to speak with my brother?” Lucifer asked sarcastically, standing to his full height. Dean cracked his knuckles.

“Lucifer, we need to go, you know where my dorm is, come visit sometime,” Castiel said, quickly his shirt and dumping his books in Dean’s hands, dragging him away before Lucifer could comment.

“Great brother,” Dean muttered angrily, looking back as Lucifer moved into the library.

“Half-brother,” Castiel automatically corrected. Dean shifted the books as he walked.

“So, uh, he’s the, uh, oldest?” Dean asked, trying to be casual, watching for Castiel’s reaction. He sighed.

“Yes, he is.” Another silence.

“The same with his mother as… the rest?”

“No, Lucifer was the accident. My… biological father was a teenager, sixteen at the time. Lucifer is what started it all,” he said slowly. Dean nodded slowly.

“That guy must hate himself.”

“You have no idea.”

“What are you doing tonight?” Castiel gave him a sideways glance. What was Dean playing at?

“Nothing at all, I don’t exactly have friends, besides Charlie and Garth,” Castiel said.

“Good, because we’re going somewhere,” Dean said, smiling at Castiel. Castiel’s eyes were wide, focused on the ground.

“Dean, I have never…”

“It doesn’t have to be a _date_ date, just a dinner between friends. You’re really interesting, Cas,” Dean said, moving the books to one hand and placing the other on the back of his neck. Castiel blushed once more.

“What time?” he asked, voice barely audible. Dean was beaming.

“Uh, six. Is that good for you?”

“I’ll have a clean shirt, if that’s what you mean.”

“Great! Hey, maybe I’ll bring Sam, get him out of the house. You’d love him, Cas!”

“Uh, yeah, that would be… fun.” Castiel smiled slightly. They were at his dorm. Cas quickly shed the jacket, shivering in the cold. He and Dean traded books for jacket and Castiel was soon on his way inside. He turned back in the doorway, waving at Dean. He laughed and waved back, turning to leave. Castiel quickly ran up to his room and closed the door.

Did he have a date with Dean Winchester tonight?


	3. Nobody's Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dinner date turns into a night that Castiel will never forget.

Castiel stood outside of his dorm ten minutes early, like always when meeting someone, waiting for Dean to arrive. He fought with himself for a full fifteen minutes on whether he should dress casual or formal before smacking himself in the head and going with a t shirt and jacket. He was beginning to regret his decision, thinking he has gone _too_ casual, in case Dean wanted something more than platonic. He was about to turn around when he heard an engine rumbling, seeing a sleek black car pull up outside the door. Castiel grinned when Dean jumped out, hardly seeing the giant human in the passenger seat; his eyes were set only on Dean. He quickly shook his head, realizing he could never have a relationship with this man; too many things could go wrong, it was much too complicated. He chastised himself, getting angry that he had let his emotions out of his control, even for a second.

“You like her?” Dean asked, that same toothy grin on his face as before. Castiel nodded, approaching the car and laying a hand on the hood. Dean moved to the opposite side.

“Chevy, right?” Castiel asked, hoping to God he was right.

“Yep, ’67 Chevy Impala. She’s my baby,” Dean said, lowering his voice to a whisper, voice joking, yet Castiel assumed there was no lie in his words. Dean moved around to be beside Castiel, his fingers accidentally brushing by the other man’s side; an involuntary shudder ran down his body. A small crease entered Dean’s brow. “You cold?”

“What? Oh, no, I’m fine,” Castiel mumbled, trying to hide his reddening cheeks. Dean shrugged.

“You ready to go?” he asked.

“I suppose, yes. But why are we driving?”

“Well I guess we _could_ walk two towns over, if you wanted,” Dean said with a slight roll of his eyes.

“Oh, I apologize, I didn’t realize we were having dinner further away,” Castiel said, cheeks burning once again.

“Don’t apologize, Cas, it’s fine, I’m kidding. I know the owner, Ellen Harvelle. We met her daughter today, I think. Ellen keeps that girl locked away in the attack or something, I haven’t seen her since we were kids. Shit, I’m rambling. Here, get in,” Dean said, pulling open the back door behind the passenger seat. Castiel thanked him, sliding in as Dean slammed the door with a creak, walking around to the driver’s side. A young looking face spun around to greet him, eyes alight and hair a mop top of a mess.

“Hey, I’m Sam, nice to meet you,” the boy said, his voice too deep for his face.

“Jimmy, I believe we met on the phone,” Castiel said, offering his hand. Sam took it, Dean getting into the car.

“Aw, hand holding!” Dean said, clutching his own hands to his chest and pretending to swoon. Castiel dropped Sam’s hand, facing forwards uncomfortably. Sam elbowed Dean in the gut.

“Jerk,” he muttered.

“Bitch,” Dean replied back, putting the car in gear and maneuvering them onto the road. Sam soon turned back to Castiel, reminding him of a curious dog when he smells a treat in someone’s pocket. Castiel silently laughed at the kid’s spunk.

“So, Jimmy, where are you from?” Sam asked.

“No need to interrogate, Mr. Lawyer,” Dean grumbled. Sam shot him a look.

“I don’t mind,” Castiel said. Sam grinned triumphantly. “I grew up in town, so I’ve never really left this place. I’ve… I’ve never been out of the state, actually.” Sam nodded.

“Sounds nice. Got any brothers and sisters?” Dean swatted Sam’s head. “What!?”

“Sam, what did I tell you-”

“Dean, it’s fine, he’s just… asking. I, uh, I have two siblings, Gabriel and Anna. I have quite a few half-siblings as well, but we aren’t that close,” Castiel said, choosing his words very carefully.

“We know how half siblings are,” Sam said, glancing at Dean, who shot daggers at him. “I think that’s my cue to shut up.” Sam turned back around and Castiel felt his heart slamming in his chest. He barely knew Dean and the man already knew his deepest secret; he didn’t need to lie about his last name to his brother, or make up some bullshit story about being adopted or a distant relative to Gord Novak. Castiel hated lying with every fiber of his being, hating how it tasted in his mouth when the words came out.

“Cas?” Dean asked, reaching back. “You okay?” They were alone in the car, parked outside of a restaurant. Castiel shook his head, clearing his thoughts. How long had it been?

“I’m fine, Dean, thank you for asking,” Castiel said, reaching for his door. Dean grabbed his shoulder, keeping him in the car. Castiel turned back, finding his eyes connected with the vibrant green that Dean’s eyes shone.

“Sammy won’t ask you anything else, I promise,” Dean said.

“It’s really fine, Dean, I’m used to the questions… I have answers,” Castiel said, wincing at the thought of all of the lies that had poured from his mouth.

“I wish you didn’t need to lie,” Dean said under his breath.

“What?” Castiel asked.

“Nothing, let’s get in there before Sam gets curious,” Dean said, running his fingers across Castiel’s hand before jumping out of the Impala. Castiel’s heart pounded in his chest as he stood from the vehicle. What was he doing? Was this a date? No, the brother was here. But why had he agreed to this, he didn’t even know Dean Winchester! And nobody knew where he was. Shit, _he_ didn’t know where he was! Dean lightly touched his back as the entered the building, finding it to be half full. He waved wildly to a woman behind the counter, grinning. She rolled her eyes with a smile, waving back. Dean dragged Castiel to the back of the restaurant.

“Dean Winchester, you break anything in here and I’ll beat your ass,” Ellen said, smiling but not taking her eyes off of the stranger beside Dean. She eyed that Dean still had his fingertips against the other man’s back. “And who’s your friend?”

“Jimmy,” Castiel said, putting out his hand.

“Ellen Harvelle,” she said, wiping black soot from her hand before shaking it. “You got a last name, Jim?”

Castiel sighed inwardly. “Novak. Jimmy Novak.” Ellen stopped for a moment before nodding.

“Why don’t you go find a seat, Jim? I just need to see if Dean here is gonna be paying tonight, or if I’ll have to put him to work,” Ellen said, smiling at Castiel but shooting daggers at Dean. Castiel nodded, eyes searching for Sam. He found the younger man sitting at a booth with a pretty blond. So much for dinner with him. Castiel moved himself into a booth near the back, no one around. He leaned against the cool wood, eyes closing as he listened to the idle chatter of the place. The Roadhouse, he had read before entering. Castiel’s eyes shot open as Dean sat down across from him, that same toothy grin on his face, though it seemed to be more forced than anything. Castiel knew that Ellen had brought up his father; she had probably given Dean the same warning speech Charlie had to sit through by her parents.

“Let me guess; Ellen disapproves greatly?” Castiel asked, eyes focused on the table.

“What? No, oh hell no! Do you wanna know what she said?” Dean asked, leaning over the table. Castiel looked up, eyes curious. “She said that if I ever hurt you in any way she would kill me, said you must’ve had it bad enough already with that last name.” A shocked smile fell across Castiel’s face.

“She- she doesn’t care?”

“No! And why should she- you aren’t anything like… like that man,” Dean said firmly. Castiel’s face split into a bigger grin and he got out of the booth, sliding next to Dean. He wrapped the man in a hug. Dean went rigid, eyes staring straight ahead.

“Thank you, Dean,” Castiel mumbled, moving away from him. Dean cleared his throat, looking across the table.

“It’s not a problem,” he said. Castiel moved back to his side, a worried look on his face.

“I didn’t mean to invade your personal space,” he said quietly. Dean didn’t respond.

“Here are you menus! Can I get you anything to drink?” a young voice said, snapping Dean out of his strange trance. That same smile went back on his face. “Oh, I know you! Dean, right?” It was the pretty blond from the library; Jo Harvelle, Ellen’s daughter.

“Jo, hey! I didn’t know you worked for your mom!” Dean said, turning to face her.

“Only on Friday nights,” she said, shifting her tray from one hand to the other.

“Oh shit, is it Friday? Jesus Christ I had no idea,” Dean said to himself, seeming slightly worried at losing track of time.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Jo asked.

“How about a beer?” Dean said.

“How about next year?” Jo replied with a wink. Dean groaned.

“You Harvelles and your stupid rules! I’ll take a coke, and a second one for Sam, wherever the fuck he is,” Dean said.

“I don’t believe he’ll be joining us; he seems to have found a girl he likes,” Castiel said softly, causing Jo to jump. It was as if she hadn’t seen him sitting there. Dean nodded.

“Just one coke, then.”

“And for you?” Jo asked, writing on her pad of paper, tray tucked under her arm.

“Just a water for me, thank you.” Jo nodded, smiling as she turned to get the drinks. Dean faced Castiel.

“Shit, Cas, I’m sorry about before… I don’t think anyone’s genuinely hugged me since my mom died,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I was unaware of the circumstances, I apologize,” Castiel said, eyes focused on the ground. Dean moved a hand across the table, pulling his chin up to face him, studying his expression.

“You don’t have to apologize, I should be the one saying sorry. I crushed your good mood,” Dean said. Castiel shook his head, about to interject when Jo arrived, setting a coke and a water down on the table.

“I’ll be back to check on you soon,” Jo said, hurrying to another table. Castiel sipped his water as Dean opened his menu, scanning one page and closing it.

“I’m thinking a burger and fries. You?” Dean asked.

“I suppose I’ll get the same,” Castiel told him.

“You don’t wanna look?”

“I don’t feel there’s a need to.” Dean nodded, gathering their two menus and putting them aside. He rested his head on his hands, examining Castiel once more. “Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know what it is about you, Cas, but I feel a great need to always be near you,” Dean muttered, eyes going wide as he sat back, palms on the table. “Shit, pretend that didn’t happen, this is supposed to be a platonic thing.” Castiel was slightly taken aback by his confession, burning red once more.

“It is forgotten.”

“Shit. Fuck, I don’t know! I just fucking met you. Shit,” Dean cursed, looking at his lap. “What the fuck is it about you, Castiel? Do you just drag people in?”

“People tend to avoid me at all costs,” Castiel muttered.

“I don’t see how they can. Those eyes…” Dean stopped himself, shaking his head as Jo approached. He ordered them two burgers and fries, Jo writing it down and disappearing again. Dean looked up to see Sam, Jessica Moore on his arm,

“Hey, Dean, we’re heading out. I’m walking Jess home and then I’ll crash at Bobby’s, work in the shop tomorrow,” Sam said. Dean nodded.

“Just call dad, don’t want the shit to fly when I get home without you. And he careful!” Dean called as Sam began to walk away.

“Nice seeing you, Dean,” the girl called with a wave. They left, not ordering anything, Castiel noted.

“Who was that?” he asked.

“Sam’s girlfriend, Jessica. He probably arranged this, the little shit. They only get to see each other when Sam works out at Bobby’s, which is hardly ever,” Dean explained. “Dad doesn’t know about her. He’d shit a brick, Sam dating a rich kid.” Castiel lowered his eyes. They sat in an awkward silence until the food arrived, Dean pretty much inhaling the whole plate while Castiel picked at his fries, barely touching his burger. Dean was finished rather quickly, Castiel not even close to done.

“I’m, ah, not very hungry,” he said softly. Dean looked at him with worried eyes.

“Are you sure?” he asked, trying to sneak a peak at the dark haired man’s face, which was focused on his hands. He looked up, eyes washing over Dean’s.

“Yes, I don’t really eat very much… Don’t worry about it,” Castiel said. Dean nodded, looking around.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, walking up to the bar. Castiel watched as he waved Ellen down, slapping some money into her hand and asking a question. She led him behind the bar where he picked up a phone. No one answered and he hung up, a smile on his face. He went back to the booth, grabbing Castiel’s arm and dragging him out of the booth. “Come on!”

“You didn’t need to pay, Dean, I brought my wallet,” Castiel said nervously. Dean shook his head, trying to get Castiel to move faster.

“I don’t care, move your ass!” Dean said. Castiel quickened his pace, waving a small goodbye to Ellen as Dean pulled him into the cool air. He took a deep breath, eyes on the stars. Dean grabbed his hand, pulling him to the Impala. “Get in.” Castiel did so, sliding into the passenger seat while Dean started the car, backing them out of the small lot. He rolled his window down and put in a tape, grinning wildly when Def Leppard began to play. He sang along, totally out of key, Castiel smiling beside him. “Cas, sing with me!”

“No, I’m fine,” he said.

“Dude, seriously, sing with me!” Castiel had no idea what the song was, but as the next one came on Dean got excited, though Castiel was confused as to why; all he heard German and a cow bell. “Dude, Rock of Ages, you _must_ know this one!” Castiel shook his head, grinning as Dean head banged. “ _All right! I got somethin’ to say_!” Castiel laughed at the faces Dean kept making, moving his face from the road to Castiel, singing not only the lyrics but the guitar solo as well. “Sing with me, Cas!” Castiel shook his head once more.

“I don’t know the words, Dean.”

“You don’t have to! Just feel the music!” Castiel tried to do as he instructed, slowly moving his head back and forth, rolling his window down as Dean had. Dean laughed triumphantly, more lyrics pouring from his mouth. Castiel was grinning as widely as Dean, trying his best to sing along with the man.

“ _Rock of ages! Rock of ages! Still a rollin’, keep a rollin’_!” the two sang together between bursts of laughter. The song soon ended, a new one beginning. Castiel didn’t know where Dean was taking him, and he didn’t care at this point. For the first time in a long time, Castiel was enjoying himself. With a smile, he sang and head banged to Led Zeppelin and Metallica, screaming lyrics he didn’t know, usually saying the wrong thing and getting a warm smile from Dean as he laughed along. They got strange looks from people as they entered a more populated area, but neither turned down the music.

“Where are we?” Castiel finally asked, Dean pulling into a driveway and shutting off the car, the music ending abruptly. They were outside of a single-story red brick house.

“My house,” Dean said, climbing out of the car. Castiel did the same, face confused as he walked up the gravel drive, trying to catch up with Dean.

“Why are we here?” Castiel asked nervously as Dean put his key in the lock, turning it and opening the front door. Castiel hesitated, looking around the street, unsure of what to do. He found himself being dragged into the house by the collar of his jacket, Dean shutting the door and pressing Castiel against it, eyes looking into his. The house was dark, quiet.

“My dad isn’t home,” he breathed. Castiel took a stuttering gasp as Dean’s hands slid along Castiel’s arms, trying to remove his jacket.

“D-Dean,” he hissed, trying to control his shaking. Dean stopped, looking at him with those green eyes. Castiel melted. “We just met.”

“I don’t care.”

“You just ended things with Benny.”

“We weren’t even dating.” Dean moved closer to him, their bodies aligned, Castiel hissing as Dean moved his hips against Castiel’s. “Do you want this?”

“Yes,” he groaned, eyes closed as Dean’s mouth moved to his jaw, his neck, his shoulder. Castiel opened his eyes, staring into Dean’s once more.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Dean grabbed Castiel’s face, forcing their mouths together, hands moving to his hair as his tongue found Castiel’s, the other man’s hands desperately trying to get Dean’s jacket off. They backed away from the door, slamming into a wall before somehow finding the living room, breaking apart and gasping as Castiel shed his coat and shirt, hands ripping as Dean’s shirt as well, trying to force it off of him, mouths connecting as their half-naked bodies slid to the ground, the couch being ignored. Dean moved away from Castiel’s mouth, trailing his lips down his jaw, neck, shoulder, chest. Castiel arched his back, letting out a moan of pleasure. Dean moved himself back up to Castiel’s face, their mouths once again intertwined. Castiel’s hands gripped Dean’s back, sliding uselessly as his legs moved against Dean’s. Dean moved his hands from Castiel’s chest, dropping them to his waist and fumbling with his belt, eventually unclipping it and gasping for breath as Castiel moved his own mouth away, rolling Dean over and moving on top of him, pulling his jeans off of his legs, hair wild and hands frenzied. Dean rolled him back over, mouth connecting again as he kicked his pants off, body grinding into Castiel’s, underwear tight.

“Fuck, Cas,” he gasped, shoving Castiel’s pants down as well, fingers poised at his boxers. A door slammed outside and Dean broke them apart, mouth screwed into an ‘O’ of horror. “Son of a fuck,” he whispered, whipping off of a confused and dazed Castiel, quickly putting his pants back on. “Get up, get up!” Dean grabbed their discarded clothes, violently grabbing the near naked man and pulling him across the dark house to his room. Dean slammed the door, tossing clothes at Castiel as he pulled his own back on. Castiel wasn’t sure what was happening, but he followed Dean’s lead, tripping over pant legs and realizing doing up his belt was suddenly an awful lot harder, face beat red as he tried to do his pants up around the slowly growing tent in his underwear. He noticed Dean was having the same problem and growling under his breath.

“Dean, what’s going on?” Castiel hissed, body freezing as he heard the front door slam. He turned to Dean, his face now echoing Dean’s previous expression. “Fuck, you said he wasn’t home!”

“I never said that!”

“It was implied!”

“He was supposed to be out drinking all night!”

“Well it doesn’t fucking look like he is!”

“Dean! Whose fucking jacket is this?” Castiel heard from the living room, breath caught in his throat.

“Mother _fucker_ ,” Dean hissed, trying desperately to hide the bulge in his jeans. “Fucking shit, fucking shit! It’s a friend’s, dad, we’re studying!” Dean’s yell brought Castiel out of his trance and he quickly threw his shirt on as Dean flicked the light, throwing Castiel on the floor, scattering some papers and plopping a textbook in the man’s lap just as John barged in. Dean was holding his own jacket just in front of his crotch. John’s eyes moved from Dean to Castiel, who prayed he would just assume that Castiel’s hair was always this wild. John threw the jacket at Dean, who caught it with the hand that wasn’t hiding his boner.

“Pick up your shit, boy. And learn to turn on a goddam light,” John grumbled. He turned back. “Where’s Sam?” Dean gulped.

“Out at Bobby’s, he’s working in the garage tomorrow,” he said nervously, unsure of how his father would respond. He didn’t seem as drunk as usual, and Dean wasn’t positive if that meant a happier John or an angrier John.

“Little shit needs to call next time,” was all John said before stomping down the hallway. Dean shut his door and collapsed on the ground next to Castiel, eyes wide and breathing heavy.

“Motherfucker,” he whispered, dropping both jackets and clutching his chest.

“I take it this has happened before,” Castiel said, moving the textbook to the ground, hands covering the still evident bulge.

“Yeah, but thank Christ he was too drunk to remember,” Dean mumbled. Castiel looked away, body craving Dean’s, not wanting to look at the man. “Hey, you okay?”

“Not really,” Castiel said, eyes focused on the floor. Dean moved closer. “We just fucking met, Dean! What the fuck is this? This random make out session, what the fuck was that!?” Dean shook his head.

“I have no idea. I… I wasn’t expecting it, I swear,” Dean said, voice low. Castiel shook his head in disbelief.

“What a great way to remember your-” He clenched his jaw shut, screaming at himself for almost saying it. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Remember your what?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Castiel replied quickly.

“Holy shit. Have you ever… ever, uh, _kissed_ anyone before tonight, Cas?” Dean asked, moving ever closer to him. Castiel shut his eyes and let out a slow breath.

“No,” he mumbled. Dean was now directly beside him. He placed a hand on his leg, causing Castiel to jump slightly and keep his hands exactly where they were.

“Shit, man, I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck. Castiel’s eyes slid to Dean’s pants, then quickly back to the floor, cursing his human instincts. Dean pretended not to see, but slowly grabbed a jacket.

“It’s fine. I should probably get back, it’s late,” Castiel said, looking at his watch and being shocked that it was only 8:30. Dean looked at his own and stifled a laugh.

“Let me walk you home, it isn’t far from here,” Dean said, beginning to stand when Castiel pulled him back down.

“We can’t leave… like this,” he said, gesturing to their lower regions with his free hand. Dean snickered slightly.

“I could always take care of for you,” he whispered, sending a chill down Castiel’s spine.

“You are _not_ helping,” Castiel hissed. Dean chuckled.

“Then we’ll just, uh, wait it out,” he said, leaning back against his bed. Castiel did the same. Dean looked at Castiel in quick glances. “So, uh, when did you know? About, you know…” Dean wasn’t very good at small talk, and didn’t known why he was even trying.

“Oh. Um, when I was twelve, I suppose. A girl asked me to a dance, but I didn’t want to go… I spoke to Gabriel about it, and he said she wasn’t my type. He asked who I wanted to go with, but I wouldn’t say. I eventually told him the truth, that I wanted to go with Evan Sanders, and Gabe didn’t give a shit. He told me that was perfectly fine, but that Evan wouldn’t understand. That was when I knew,” Castiel said softly. “I have no idea why I just told you that.”

“I’ll try and make it a little less awkward for you… I knew when I was sixteen, at a party, drunk as shit. I was dared to make out with a guy named Hunter Wigs, and we just, sort of… kept making out. Everyone said it was because I was shitfaced, but I knew how I felt… I dated girls, to keep it away from my dad, and I’m probably bi, but I find guys more… attractive.” They sat in silence, Dean standing and walking around.

“Lucky ass,” Castiel said under his breath, noticing that Dean’s hands were now free, but his own still clasped in his lap, cheeks burning.

“This is so fucking weird,” Dean murmured, hand going to twirl the small necklace around his neck. Castiel nodded in agreement. The door swung open, John’s body entering the room just as Castiel flattened his hair down, hands away from his crotch. They flew back into place and he hoped with all of his being that John didn’t notice. He did.

“Dean, get in the fucking hallway,” he said, his voice steely as he made eye contact with a terrified Castiel. The door closed, Castiel immediately hearing hushed whispers. After a moment of silence, loud yelling flooded through the door.

“ _Dad, just stop_!” Dean yelled.

“ _No son of mine is a queer_!” John screamed back, Castiel flinching when he heard a slap, standing with his coat in hand, rushing to the door. John opened it, throwing Castiel against the wall, Dean running at his father who pushed him back, fist connecting with his eye. Dean gasped, hand flying to his face, ducking John’s fist was coming at him again. “ _GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK_!” Castiel grabbed Dean’s arm, both of them running out of the house, John chasing after them, throwing whatever he could and screaming curses at them. Dean yanked Castiel out the front door and down the yard, leaving the trapped Impala in the driveway. Neighbours were opening their doors as John screamed at his son, Dean silent as he and Castiel sprinted away from the house, leaving John in the street. “ _AND TAKE YOUR FAGGY BOYFRIEND WITH YOU_!” They didn’t stop running until the library was in sight, collapsing heavily on the steps, tears in Castiel’s eyes, Dean’s face red as his chest heaved.

“Dean, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. Oh my God, I am so sorry, please Dean,” Castiel sobbed, hands covering his eyes. Dean wrapped him in a hug.

“No, Cas, no, it’s my fault, I never should have brought you there. What have I done,” Dean gasped, Castiel now holding him close. They sat on the steps in silence, the lights slowly turning off in the building. Castiel faced Dean, rubbing his blotchy eyes. Dean’s face was dry, his eyes sunken. “He was always a douchebag. Always. It’s no loss.” Dean stood, pulling Castiel with him. They looked at each other in silence.

“You… you can stay with me, if you want, for tonight. We can find you a place later,” Castiel said quietly. Dean forced himself to smile, though Castiel saw the pain behind it. Castiel had known Dean for an entire two days. In those two days, he had managed to get the man kicked out of his house and hated by his father. It must be some kind of a record.

“That would be great,” Dean muttered, slowly moving away from the library.

They had both fucked up in the worst way possible, but at the same time neither hated the other. As they walked down the street, they both could have blamed the other for the incident one hundred times over. Neither said a word.


	4. Dream, Dream, Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, sorry this took so long! Real life can be a bitch! Give me any kind of critique or praise, I love them all!

Castiel raised his hands, fighting the light that was being shined on his face. His eyes rolled wildly as someone forced them open, a flashlight crossing over his left and then his right pupil. He felt someone lowering his hands, placing their fingers on his upper arm. He heard voices all around him, blurred out, joining as one giant screaming noise. The light went out and Castiel focused on an unfamiliar face. With a sharp intake of breath, his ears seemed to open, his eyes widening even more so than before as he rocketed forwards, hair a wild mess and face confused.

“Thank Christ!” he heard, turning his head to the left, eyebrows pressed together.

“Sir, lay back down, don’t strain yourself,” someone told him, a hand now on his chest and forcing him down on some kind of gurney.

“What…” he trailed off, voice unsteady, head pounding.

“Sir, what do you remember?” the same person asked him.

“Dean, Sam,” Castiel sputtered, Dean Winchester’s green eyes forcing their way to the front of his mind. He flashed back to John chasing them out of the house. He and Dean before the library was the last thing he remembered. Had there been an accident? Castiel squirmed under the hand on his chest, trying to move his head to view his surroundings, seeing what looked like Dean running towards them.

“Cas! Cas, we’ll meet you at the hospital, you’ll be fine!” Dean yelled, stopping outside of a door that was leaking light. Castiel was incredibly confused, and, feeling disorientated, realized he was being loaded into an ambulance.

“Where am I going?” he mumbled.

“We’re taking you to Avera Heart,” the EMT said, strapping the gurney and Castiel into place. That was a hospital, Castiel knew, but it was still far away from his dorm and Garth. That was in Sioux Falls, where Castiel had dinner with Dean. But they had been back in Vermillion at the library. How had they gotten an hour’s drive back to Sioux Falls?

“I don’t understand,” Castiel said, his voice growing stronger.

“You fell unconscious for thirty minutes, son, we have to get you to the hospital,” the EMT said gently.

“No, no, I was at school, how did I get back here? Where’s Dean?”

“I don’t know, the doctor might be able to answer your questions, though,” the man said.

“Where are we?” Castiel asked, though he already knew.

“What do you remember last?” The EMT looked at him with concern.

“I was in front of the library.”

“Son, you were at The Roadhouse,” the EMT told him softly. Castiel’s head fell back against the gurney.

“No,” he mumbled. “That’s impossible.” Castiel looked at the roof of the ambulance as they bounced along, the EMT remaining silent. They were at the hospital before Castiel knew it.

……….

“Cas!” Castiel turned his head, hand idly scratching at the IV in his arm. He broke into a grin when Dean ran in past the curtain, Sam trailing behind him like a lost puppy. Dean pulled up a chair, concern written across his face as he sat down, taking Castiel’s hand in his own. Sam sat in a chair outside of Castiel’s makeshift room, head slumping against the wall, a yawn suppressed by his sleeve.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel said, his smile slowly fading from his face.

“We had to call an ambulance, you passed out,” Dean said, yanking his hand away from Castiel’s and dropping it into his lap.

“That has never happened before,” Castiel said, dumbfounded, free hand now picking at the tape holding the IV in place. “The doctor said I am dehydrated, which is also strange. Dean, how did I- we get back to the Roadhouse? What happened with your father?” Dean looked dumbfounded.

“Cas, what are you talking about?” he asked, sitting back and crossing his arms.

“We were at your house, and your father, he kicked you out, and…” Castiel trailed off when he saw Dean’s expression of bewilderment.

“That never happened, Cas,” Dean told him, shaking his head slowly. “Must’ve been some kind of dream.” Castiel opened his mouth and then closed it, head swimming.

“That’s… impossible. How do you not remember, Dean?”

“What happened, Cas? You look like you’re about to shit your pants,” Dean said, leaning forwards, brow creased. Castiel looked away.

“It was so real…”

“So tell me about it.” Castiel looked at him sharply. He took a breath.

“We were together.”

“So?”

“Dean. We were _together_.”

“Oh- _oh_. Oh.”

“And your father came home early. And he kicked you out. And there was a white light. But I have never remembered a dream before. Or lost consciousness, for that matter. It is all very strange…” Castiel said under his breath.

“Did you tell the doctor?”

“He says it is a normal reaction.” Castiel looked back to see Sam’s eyes closed. He assumed the boy had fallen asleep. When Castiel looked back, Dean was staring at him with concern.

“Do I need to call anyone for you?” he asked. Castiel groaned.

“I completely forgot,” he sighed, putting his legs over the bed. Dean stood, moving them back into place.

“Whoa, Cas, you aren’t going anywhere. Here, I’ll grab you some paper and you can write the numbers down. I’ll find a payphone,” Dean said. Castiel opened his mouth to complain, but Dean shook his head. “No whining. You need to stay where you are.” With a frown, Castiel watched Dean walk away, hands fidgeting and brain whirring. He was deep in thought when Dean returned, head snapping up when he heard the chair creak as Dean sat, a clipboard and pen in his hands.

“My mother, she should be called. Along with Gabriel, Charlie and Garth,” Castiel told him, proceeding to list all of their numbers. He shifted, turning to try and find his pants and dig a few quarters out for Dean.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked, rising once more.

“Getting you quarters for your calls,” Castiel mumbled.

“Hell no, I can pay for that, it’s the least I can do,” Dean told him. Castiel sighed.

“Dean, I should really call my mother. If you call she’ll demand to speak with me anyways, and it will just take longer.”

“Let me get a nurse to get you a wheelchair.”

“I can walk, Dean.”

“I’m not taking any chances!” Dean quickly stepped out from behind Castiel’s curtain, snagging a nurse and mumbling a few words to her. Castiel took the chance to swing his legs once more, sitting up in the process and ignoring the dizzy spell he was hit with. He held a taped hand to his forehead, sliding down to land on his feet, one hand on the fluids bag and the other on the bed. Dean turned back, face becoming angry when he saw Castiel standing.

“Dean, I’m fine,” he muttered, a weak smile crossing his lips. With a roll of his eyes, Dean gently took Castiel’s arm, moving him to sit on the bed. Castiel pulled away, glaring, not wanting to sit down but to move around, do something, a sudden rush of energy filling his limbs.

“You’re not fine, damn it, now sit down!” Dean growled. The nurse walked through the curtain with a wheelchair and Dean practically carried Castiel over. The blue eyed man shuddered at the touch. That dream had been so _vivid_ , so _real_. Castiel could barely believe that it hadn’t happened, but if Dean couldn’t remember a thing, it must have been fake. They were soon going down a hall, Castiel’s IV pole awkwardly beside the chair as Dean moved agonizingly slowly, being careful as to not jostle Castiel as he looked for a payphone.

“My grandmother walked faster than this,” Castiel said under his breath with a roll of his eyes. Dean snorted.

“Shut up. I’m just being careful.”

“Should we have left Sam alone?”

“He’s a big boy, he can take care of himself,” Dean said. Nonetheless, the man glanced back worriedly, making sure his snoring brother was still in a comatose state. Eyebrows knit, Dean pushed Castiel slightly faster. Soon, they were running down the hall, both laughing and getting dirty looks from the nurses. Dean rounded a sharp corner, Castiel holding his IV pole close so it wouldn’t get caught, a grin lighting up his face. He looked back at Dean, who was also smiling. Castiel quickly averted his eyes, focusing instead on the quickly approaching payphones. Dean skidded them to a halt. Castiel began to rise from the chair, Dean quickly helping him up while Castiel swatted him away.

“I’m not a child, Dean,” Castiel muttered, reaching for his money. He realized it had been in his jacket pocket and he was wearing a hospital gown. Without the jacket beside him anymore. With a sigh, he turned to Dean. “May I borrow some quarters from you?”

“Sure, sure,” Dean said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a handful of them, placing them into Castiel’s hand. He popped them into the machine, quickly dialing his mother’s number.

“ _Hello_?” Castiel stiffened. It was Phillip.

“Hello, Phillip, may I speak with my mother, please?” Castiel asked through gritted teeth, knuckles white in anger against the phone. Dean noticed the change and quickly backed away, giving Castiel his space.

“ _The fuck you want with her?_ ” Phillip demanded.

“To speak with her. I am… in need of assistance,” Castiel breathed. Phillip barked a laugh.

“ _’Course you are, shit stain. I’ll get your mamma for you, don’t you worry_ ,” Phillip said in a mocking tone. Castiel took a breath, trying to wash away the slowly rising anger in his chest. He heard muffled voices before his mother’s was clear.

“ _Cassie? Are you okay, baby?_ ” she asked, her voice coated in worry. Castiel hadn’t called in a while.

“Don’t panic.”

“ _Well now I’m panicking! What happened? Is Gabriel alright?_ ”

“Yes, why wouldn’t he be?”

“ _Never mind. Talk to me, Cassie_.”

“I’m at the hospital.”

“ _What?! Why?!_ ”

“I… fell unconscious while at dinner with a friend. I’m fine, don’t panic, I’m going home very soon, don’t worry,” Castiel said quickly, trying to calm his mother.

“ _What hospital, I’m on my way!_ ” Castiel held a hand to his temple.

“Mother, no, it’s two hours away.”

“ _Two hours?! What are you doing two hours away!_ ”

“Having dinner with a friend. I’ll be released in the morning, I’ll call you when I’m home. Please, don’t fret,” Castiel told her, chewing his lip. He heard Phillip yelling in the background (what else is new?) and his mother sigh angrily.

“ _I’m coming up the minute you get home!_ ” she said angrily. Castiel smiled lightly.

“I’m almost out of minutes. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“ _I love you, baby._ ” Castiel hung up the phone. Dean approached slightly cautiously, hands in his pockets.

“How did that go?” he asked as Castiel grabbed two more quarters, about to call Garth.

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Castiel grumbled. Dean chuckled lightly, sitting in the wheelchair and screwing around, wheeling up the hall and back down as Castiel held the phone to his ear. He heard Garth’s voice on the answering machine. “Garth, it’s Jimmy, I won’t be in until tomorrow. I’ll explain later.” He hung up once more. Dean rolled up behind him.

“Who next?” he asked, standing and keeping one hand out, just in case Castiel fell again.

“Uh, Gabriel, then Charlie. I really am sorry about your quarters, I’ll pay you back when we return to the bed,” Castiel said, typing in Gabriel’s number. He would be able to get a hold of Anna.”

“Hey man, don’t worry about it,” Dean said, moving to sit in a chair. He just couldn’t still. Castiel felt slightly self-conscious, pulling at the gown he was in, glad they had equipped him with underpants in the transition from his clothes to the gown.

“Gabriel?”

“ _What’s up, pipsqueak?_ ”

“Fuck off.”

“ _Get over yourself. What do you need?_ ”

“I’m in the hospital.” A large crash sounded and the footsteps thumped, a door slamming.

“ _I’m on my way, which one?_ ”

“No, Gabe, stay home, I just wanted to tell you. I’m fine, I’ll be home in the morning. Get back inside.”

“ _Castiel, I am_ not _leaving you alone in a hospital. Now, which one?_ ”

“I’m not alone, Gabe, I have some friends with me.” The footsteps stopped.

“ _Are you sure? Anna and I can get there-_ ”

“They’re good to me, Gabe. I’ll call when I’m home. I’m almost out of time.”

“ _Gave me a fucking heart attack._ ”

“And whose fault is it for overreacting?”

“ _You’d better call me._ ” The line went dead. Castiel sighed, holding a hand to his suddenly throbbing head. Dean was immediately beside him.

“Sit,” he insisted.

“I’m fine.”

“Sit before I make you,” Dean growled. With a roll of his eyes, Castiel took a seat in the wheelchair, feet spread on the ground. Dean asked for Charlie’s number, typing it in as Castiel said it.

“Dean, you don’t have to-”

“Hello? Yes, this is Dean Winchester, I’m here with Cas- Jim. He’s at the hospital. No, he’s fine. What the fuck? No, I didn’t- ew, no, what the hell is wrong with you!? What- yeah, he’s out tomorrow. Hello?” Dean slowly hung up the phone, face an expression of confusion and as if he had just heard the most disgusting thing he had heard in his life.

“What did she say?” Castiel asked, eyebrow raised and face curious.

“Uh, nothing,” Dean said, coughing in the other direction. Castiel knew it was a laugh.

“What did she say?” he asked again. Dean turned back, tears in his eyes from trying not to laugh.

“She asked if we fucked our way into the hospital, then corrected herself and asked if _I_ had fucked you into the hospital.” A burst of laughter bubbled from Dean’s lips and he clasped his hand over his mouth. Castiel’s mouth quivered before he too was snickering.

“Charlie’s a bitch,” Castiel laughed.

“I can fucking tell!” Soon the laughter ended and Dean was pushing Castiel back to his bed. No doctors were there, so Dean helped Castiel back in, who didn’t complain this time, a hand held to his sweaty forehead.

“Dean, there is no need for you to stay. Take Sam home,” Castiel insister, pulling the thin blanket to his chest. Dean snorted.

“And miss out on the fun? Hell no! Look, I’ll take Sammy to Bobby’s, he’s a friend of ours, Sam works for him sometimes, get him settled, then come back for you.” Castiel squirmed.

“When you… come back. Can you tell me exactly what happened? I find myself struggling with memories.” Dean’s expression softened and he nodded. He patted Castiel’s hand before turning away.

“Of course, buddy.” He strode away, lightly tapping Sam on the shoulder before grabbing his face, trying to wake him. The teenager’s massive body was sprawled across the small hospital chair, stretching here, there and everywhere. Eventually, Dean decided to grab his younger sibling by his shoulders and try to drag him to his feet. Sam woke with a start, pushing Dean away and trying to sit back down. Castiel suppressed his laughter at the scene unfolding, soon left alone as Dean dragged Sam from the hospital. The only sound was the beeping machine from the room next door. The doctor wanted him here for overnight observation, but he assumed that Castiel was just overly tried and exhausted. Castiel sank back against his pillows, closing his eyes and listening to the sound of his breath. He was soon asleep.

………..

When Castiel opened his eyes, he was greeted by a sleeping Dean Winchester curled up next to him, hand on his own. Castiel hadn’t the slightest clue how they were both on the bed, and why a nurse hadn’t stopped Dean from climbing on. He saw that they were no longer in the ER. Someone must have moved Castiel into a room in his sleep, perhaps Dean convincing them somehow. A small clock read 3:48am. He again flashed back to the dream. Dean’s lust, passion and urgency had been nearly frightening, but Castiel had enjoyed every second nonetheless. His eyes flitted closed for a moment, the strength of the dream overwhelming, but he was soon brought back to reality when Dean shifted against him, muttering something incomprehensible in his sleep and wrapping an arm around Castiel’s waist. The conscious man froze, unsure of what action would be deemed acceptable. Forgetting that Dean was supposed to only be a friend, Castiel found himself moving his hand through Dean’s hair, a smile tracing his lips as he felt the shortness compared to his wild bird’s nest. Castiel moved his hands down to Dean’s back, drawing slow circles in the fabric of his t-shirt, jacket strewn across a chair. Closing his eyes once more, Castiel soaked in the smell of Dean against him, leather and musk and a hint of whiskey all swirling into the perfect combination of _Dean_. Yeah, just friends for sure.

“Cas?” Dean mumbled, shifting on the bed. Castiel’s hands froze, quickly retreating to his chest as Dean sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Oh, fuck, shit fuckery, I’m sorry. Fuck. How did I even end up here?” Dean moved himself off of the bed, nearly hitting Castiel’s IV pole as he landed flat on his ass on the ground.

“No, it’s…” Castiel stopped himself. What was it? Fine? Nice? Awkward? “It’s understandable. Those chairs are uncomfortable.” Dean let loose a small, tired laugh as he pulled up a seat, hands clasped in front of him.

“I didn’t say anything too embarrassing, did I?” Dean asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t talking in my sleep?”

“I only just awoke.”

“Thank Christ, I usually embarrass the hell out of myself,” Dean muttered. Castiel reached down and took his hand. Dean’s eyes shot up.

“Thank you, Dean. For staying.” Dean nodded.

“You wanted to know what happened, right?”

“Yes, but only if you’re awake enough. We’ll be leaving shortly anyways.”

“Naw, it’s fine. Well, uh, we got out of the Impala and went into the Roadhouse. I went to talk with Ellen and you came with me. I was talking with her while you got a seat, and I remember you looked weird about saying your last name. Sammy was with Jess, so it was just you at the table. I came back and sat down, and you said something about the bathroom. You got up to leave, but just… crumbled.” Dean flinched at the memory playing back in his mind. “Ellen called an ambulance, wouldn’t let anyone but herself touch you until the paramedics got there. I was flipping my shit.” Castiel knit his eyebrows together.

“I remember very little of that,” he said softly. Dean looked up from his lap.

“Tell me about your dream.”

“No.”

“Oh c’mon, how bad could it have been?”

“It was… not… bad.”

“Oh. Uh, oh.”

“It… we had dinner, we left. Sam went with his girlfriend. We listened to strange music that Gabriel also enjoys. We went to your house, and… um. Yeah. Stuff, uh, happened, almost. You were then whisking me to your room. We had to stay for a while until things… settled… down…. Your father, he saw that, uh, things were, uh, not normal. He kicked you out of your home. We went to the library and that is… all I can remember,” Castiel said, face crimson from embarrassment and hands wrapped together, eyes focused on his lap. Dean had been snickering beside him for a few moments until the part about his father came up. He was quiet now.

“What kind of music?” he asked.

“I do believe it was Def Leppard, Led Zeppelin and Metallica,” Castiel told him with a small smile. Dean laughed.

“Sounds about right. If you had Motorhead, Black Sabbath and Kansas those would’ve been accurate too,” Dean grinned.

“Nothing softer?”

“Like?”

“Um… The Beatles, Kinks, Elvis?” Dean stiffened at the Beatles. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, uh, no. It’s… my, my mom, she used to sing me the Beatles,” Dean said quietly.

“Oh,” was all Castiel managed. Another silence was between them. Castiel saw Dean’s toothy grin in the darkness.

“Was I good?” Castiel rolled his eyes.

“Typical,” he muttered.

“What? Can’t a guy ask about a platonic make out session in a dream his friend had?” Dean asked earnestly. Neither of them could suppress their laughter, Castiel soon wheezing and with tears in his eyes. A nurse swung the door open, flipping the lights on and glaring at the two.

“Sorry, sorry,” Castiel mumbled, tears in his eyes as Dean gasped for breath. With a shake of her head, she left the room, grumbling under her breath.

“Hey Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Maybe… we should… shit, nothing. Sorry. Forget it.”

“Are you sure? You can say whatever you like.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Forget it,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Just, uh, fuck.”

“It’s fine, Dean. I understand.”

“Good. It’s not that I don’t want to-”

“It’s not the right time,” Castiel said, his heart sinking.

“Yeah. Right.”

They were again bathed in silence. Dean took Castiel’s hand in his own, squeezing it between his fingers. They locked eyes.

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again,” he whispered, standing and brushing his lips on Castiel’s forehead. Dean soon exited the room, closing the door softly behind him.

Three days. Three days Castiel had known Dean Winchester. And he already found that he could not imagine life without the man. Three days, and Castiel was fucked beyond belief.


	5. Repeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean, Castiel, Charlie and Ruby plan on seeing the latest horror movie three weeks after the hospital fiasco. Things turn sour when Castiel is confronted by an unexpected person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up- some things may be considered triggering. Descriptions of a panic attack, female manipulation and homophobia in this chapter.

“Mom, it’s been three weeks, you need to stop calling,” Castiel groaned, one hand on his face and the other wrapped around the phone. Charlie was sprawled across his bed, fingers massaging Ruby’s hair as Dean sat in the corner with Garth, studying for the test they had coming up in one of their classes. Dean looked confused as all hell, and Castiel bit back a laugh.

“ _Castiel Novak! I am your mother, I can worry all I want! Are you getting enough to eat? Should I come for a visit?_ ” his mother asked. Castiel sighed, a hand running down his face.

“Mom, I’m fine. I need to go, I have people here.”

“ _More important than your own mother?_ ”

“What? No, of course not! But I seriously have to go! Yeah, love you too, bye,” Castiel said hurriedly, slamming the phone down with a loud sigh.

“She sounds like a joy,” Ruby commented drily, getting a hair tug from Charlie.

“Hey! Jim’s mom makes the best PB&J ever. She has all of my respect,” Charlie said, shooting Castiel a small smile, which he returned. He held out a hand, instantly catching the water bottle Dean whipped at him, glowering at the man as he undid the cap. Ever since Castiel had passed out, Dean had been on his ass about staying hydrated. He was almost as bad as his mother.

“Don’t you give me that look. I don’t need to drag you back to the ER,” Dean grumbled, focusing once more on Garth’s impromptu lesson on the importance of micro bacteria in the lakes, a bored expression playing across his face. Castiel sat on Garth’s bed, as Charlie and Ruby were managing to take up all the space on his. He rolled his eyes at their doughy expressions. It had been three long weeks since Castiel had left the hospital and the dream about Dean behind. He and Dean had only grown closer in that time, causing Castiel’s blinding crush to grow immensely, heart pounding out an even rhythm every time someone even began a sentence that started with ‘D’. He wanted more than anything to break out of the friendzone he seemed to be forever trapped in, but didn’t want to push boundaries with the man, didn’t want Dean to be uncomfortable in Castiel’s presence. If he could keep it in his pants for this long, he was sure he could manage to do so… for as long as it took. If ever it were to happen-

“Jim? Helloooo, Earth to Jimmy!” Charlie said, waving a hand in front of his face. Snapping out of his strange inner monologue, Castiel looked from Charlie to Ruby to Dean, realizing something must have been asked of him.

“My apologies. Can you repeat the question?” Castiel asked, scratching at the back of his head. Charlie rolled her eyes, jumping as Ruby stood, shaking the bed with her movement. Dean had a grin on his face, shaking his head and turning back to Garth.

“My God you’re stupid. Do you want to go to a movie?” Charlie asked, cracking her knuckles. Castiel flinched.

“Don’t do that,” he muttered.

“Fuck off,” Charlie mumbled.

“Language,” Garth said absently.

“Fuck off, Garth,” Ruby chimed in with a smile.

“Oi! Studying!” Dean yelled. Eye rolls from Charlie and Ruby ensued. Charlie turned herself to face Castiel.

“So? Movies?”

“What do you want to see?” he asked, taking a seat atop his desk.

“Ruby’s heard of this really creepy movie called Candyman. It premieres tonight. We should totally go!” Charlie squealed. Castiel shifted uneasily.

“Horror movies aren’t my thing,” he muttered.

“I’m in!” Dean yelled. Garth made a disgusted face.

“Count me out. Guts are so not my thing,” he said. “I’ll bow out with Jim.”

“C’mon, Cas, you know you want to go,” Dean said, standing and prodding Castiel’s ribs. Dean was the only person that Castiel let him call by his first name without objection that wasn’t family. His friends had most definitely noticed, though no one made a comment. Well, almost no one, as Charlie was a nosy little shit. Castiel sighed as Dean continued to pester him, Charlie soon joining in and pulling at his hair. Ruby was laughing from the bed, and Garth was muttering something about the library as he stood, leaving the room with his books. He had a very hard time when someone even mentioned blood. He used to be a hunter in high school, but after meeting his girlfriend Bess and becoming a vegan, blood disgusted him.

“Fine! All of you are little fuckers,” he growled, standing with a huff. He checked his watch. “What time does it start?”

“Seven,” Charlie said automatically.

“That give us nearly two hours for dinner,” Ruby chimed in, her lips moving close to Charlie’s ear. Charlie smiled, leaning over to peck Ruby on the lips.

“You guys wanna come?” she asked excitedly.

“Uh, sure,” Castiel said, hand again rubbing the back of his neck. Dean smiled.

“Just so long as you’re paying, Bradbury,” he said with a wink.

“Not on your life, Winchester,” she chuckled.

“Shit, we should get ready. Meet you boys back here in twenty,” Ruby said, dragging Charlie out of the small dorm room, Charlie barely managing a wave as she was swept off of her feet. Dean laughed as they tripped through the doorway and he closed it behind him, turning back to Castiel with warm eyes. He moved over to Garth’s bed, grabbing his study notes and shoving them into a large binder, setting it on the bed. Castiel didn’t realize he was staring until Dean met his gaze. Rather than looking away, he held it, straightening himself. Castiel subconsciously walked forwards, stopping himself when he was just in front of him. Dean licked his lips, a bad habit of his, and glanced down at Castiel’s own, a smile breaking out onto his stubbly face.

“So you don’t like horror movies?” Dean breathed, the scent of mints hitting Castiel’s face, an involuntary shiver travelling the length of his spine. A shuddering breath escaped him.

“Uh, no, not generally,” he managed, voice tight as he continued to meet Dean’s gaze. His eyes were shining, the green reflecting Castiel’s own blue.

“Don’t be such a chicken shit,” Dean said with an airy laugh, moving away from the dark haired man and sitting on his bed. Castiel moved back, sitting in his desk chair. Why had that moment been so… intimate? Castiel shook his head. He was reading too far into the situation. Wasn’t he? When he looked up to find Dean Winchester’s eyes travelling his body, he began to wonder.

“I just find there to be too much destruction already in the world, that televising it is pointless and unnecessary,” Castiel commented.

“You certainly have a point there,” Dean grumbled, eyes going dark. His hand automatically moved his left shoulder. Castiel’s eyes narrowed.

“Are you alright?” he questioned, immediately standing, hand outstretched. Dean cringed, shifting away from the possible contact. Castiel retracted his hand. “My apologies, I-”

“No, it’s fine,” Dean mumbled. He looked up from his lap slowly, eyes saddened. He carefully moved his t shirt up and over his shoulders, revealing a large pink scar going from just above the sleeve line of his shirt to where the collar rested, along with one scarred puncture wound and one freshly stitched one. Castiel’s hand flew to his mouth and he crouched before Dean, inspecting the fresh wound to make sure it was free of infection.

“Oh, Dean,” was all he said, looking up at the taller man with pained eyes. Dean looked away.

“Hey, I’m gonna call Sammy, see if he wants to come,” Dean said, yanking his shirt down and moving across the room to the phone. Castiel stood, hand outstretched to Dean, slowly lowering it and moving to hover behind him. Castiel assumed Sam didn’t answer when Dean tensed at the phone. “I don’t give a fuck, put him on.”

“Dean?”

“Hey, Sammy, you wanna see a movie? Oh. Nice score, bro! Okay. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Fuck off!” Dean chuckled slightly, hanging up the phone, his shoulders sagging as he moved away. Dean let out a noise of surprise when he found himself enveloped in Castiel’s arms, the other man gripping him tightly. Dean’s hands found themselves on Castiel’s back, clutching him desperately, taking slow breaths.

“You deserve so much more,” Castiel whispered.

“You’re the only one who thinks so,” Dean replied. They held the embrace for a moment longer, Dean eventually breaking it and stepping back, eyes on the floor. “Look, Cas-”

“I know. I understand. You just… I care, Dean. Someone cares.” Dean nodded, still not looking up, fingers absently picking at a loose thread.

“We should head down, Charlie and Ruby’ll be back soon,” Dean muttered, grabbing his notebook and heading out the door. Castiel followed behind after taking a minute to grab his wallet, spending more time than he would've liked looking through his drawers. The minute he stepped out, he found himself pinned against the wall. Castiel’s eyes went from the chest of an unknown figure to find himself looking in the eyes of George Caroway.

“Can I help you?” Castiel gulped. George wreaked of alcohol. Dean was gone.

“Listen, _faggot_ ,” George began, “I don’t need none of… none your kind. That fucktard, Winchester, he fucking corrupted my- hic- my best… Fucking pussy! Stay… stay away, you fag!” George released Castiel, stumbling down the hall. Castiel sunk to the floor, hands covering his face, heels of his palms pushed into his eyes.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! Stop fucking crying, stop fucking crying,” he breathed to himself, trying to control his rapidly beating heart. “Shit. Fuck. Stop. Fucking stop.” Castiel bit his lip, holding in a sob that threatened to leak through his trembling lips, tasting blood on his tongue. He gasped, a sharp pain flashing through his head.

*

_“Stop fucking crying, you fucking faggot.”_

_“Please, stop, please!” Gabe begged, pulling his father’s elbow as he leaned over his weeping brother._

_“Why don’t you shut the fuck up?” Gord questioned menacingly._

_“Dad, please!” Gabe moaned, backing away with a gasp when an elbow connected with his chin._

_“Gabriel, shut the fuck up. You were… s’posed to watch him. Fucking idiot. Castiel, you stop fucking crying! Right fucking now! Stop fucking crying!”_

*

“Stop crying, stop crying,” he hissed through his teeth, saliva slicking through his mouth as he desperately tried to control the steadily growing lump in his throat. A low gasp escaped his mouth as he pushed his fists against his eyes, unable to stop the flow of tears that was running.

*

_“Get the fuck out! Get out, get out, get out! Never FUCKING come back, you swine! Get the FUCK OUT!”_

_“Bitch, I’m the only good thing you got left!”_

_“Get the fuck out! NOW!” Castiel cowered at the top of the stairs, Gabriel beside him, arm wrapped around his slender shoulders._

_“Gabe!” Anna hissed. “Get him out of here!”_

_“You think I FUCKING CARE, Gord? Get THE FUCK OUT! AND NEVER COME FUCKING BACK!” Castiel’s mother screamed, slamming the front door and bolting it shut, sinking to the floor, gasping sobs escaping her mouth. Before they could stop him, Castiel was running past his siblings and down the stairs, curling into his mother’s arms, both crying as they rocked, Gabriel and Anna soon joining them._

_“Oh, Cas,” she had mumbled into his hair._

*

“Cas? Hey, Cas?”

“Stop crying, stop crying,” he seethed again and again, eyes red rimmed and blotchy, breathing escalated to the point of hyperventilating. “Stop it, stop it, _stop it_.”

“Cas, breathe, okay? You’ll be okay, just breathe,” the voice said. Castiel felt a scream rising at the back of his throat like vomit, clamping down on his tongue to hold it back, scrambling away when a soft hand touched his elbow.

“Fuck up, fuck up, fuck up,” he hissed, head buried in his arms as he sat in the hall, panic creeping up his back and lacing its cold fingers around his throat.

“Dean?”

“Charlie, leave, go without us.”

“Is he-”

“Charlie, please.”

“I’m his best friend!”

“Charlie!” Castiel heard footsteps go down the hall, covering his ears and ripping at them, grabbing handfuls of hair.

“Stop, stop, stop,” he whispered, stomach shifting and bile rising in his throat.

*

_“He’s a fucking monster! Fuck, I should’ve known!” Castiel was sitting on the stairs, the only child left at home, eavesdropping on his mother. “He brainwashes them, Kate, then has babies… They say he’s trying to make a fucking army of angels! How was I so fucking blind? Fuck!_ Fuck _!” Castiel froze. Angels. His name. He felt heat vibrate up his spine. She was talking about his father. “They finally caught him. The mother of the kid is fucking looney. Yeah. Their half-brother. The police say upwards of twenty kids. I know. Gabriel and Anna, they’ll be okay. But how do I tell Castiel?”_

_“Tell me what?” Castiel asked coolly, stepping into the kitchen, grabbing an apple off of the counter.”_

_“I’ll call you back,” his mother said, eyeing her youngest sadly. “Sit down.”_

*

“Cas, you need to get up. You need to get to your room,” the voice said softly.

“I can’t, I can’t, I’m such a fuck up,” he muttered, hands desperately trying to rid his face of the evidence of tears, slick and wet, vision blurry with tears, lips blubbering. He wrenched his body away from the hand that grabbed his arm, but the grip was tight. Castiel reacted in anger, ripping away, yelling, trying to free himself.

*

_“NO! No, you’re lying, you’re lying! He can’t be! He isn’t! Dad… Dad wasn’t… He would never!”_

_“Cassie, baby, please, just sit down.”_

_“NO! I… I… just, no, don’t let it be true!” Castiel slumped against the wall, sliding down with his head against the peeling wallpaper. His mother approached cautiously as he sat, dazed, eyes forward._

_“Cas? Baby?”_

_“How many?” he choked out._

_“We don’t know.”_

_“WELL FIND OUT!” His mother flinched at the anger hiding in his voice._

_“The oldest, he’s thirty one. There’s another one, same age, a few younger. There’s you, Anna, Gabriel, and a new one, just a baby,” she said in a hushed whisper. Castiel closed his eyes, fury clutching his chest and rising into his throat._

_“FUCK!” he screamed, holding his face, not looking at his mother._

*

Arms were around him, holding him close, stitching his ripping body back together, keeping him whole. He felt the veil of panic rise for a moment, recognized Dean’s jacket, the scent of mints and musk, old leather mixed in somewhere. It didn’t last long. The panic slammed back into his, physically disabling him, his knees collapsing and a broken sob hiccupping out from his throat. Dean grabbed him, holding him close and managing to walk him to the door, opening it and sitting Castiel on the bed.

“Fucking faggots,” a voice called from the door. Castiel lowered his head, hands covering his face once more as he trembled, hearing footsteps and a slamming door.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he screamed, unable to control himself. He felt the bed dip beside him.

“Sh, sh, it’s okay, Cas, I promise,” Dean murmured. Castiel sunk into his arms, body shaking, arms limp and eyes shedding more tears than he thought possible. He wrenched away from Dean, quickly grabbing a waste bucket and emptying his stomach into it, sinking back to the floor and curling into a ball.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry.” The word wouldn’t stop rolling off of his tongue.

-

“Look at me! Castiel, look at me!” Dean wrenched his face up, eyes pouring into Castiel’s. They held their gaze. Castiel was still hyperventilating, the tears streaming at an unstoppable rate, but he had stopped clawing at his hair. “It’s okay. I promise. It’s okay.” Castiel looked away, body curling in on itself, sobs slowly leaking out him. Dean slowly moved around him, keeping on hand on Castiel’s back at all times. He reached for his notebook, opening it and pulling out the paper Castiel had given him at the hospital, quickly grabbing the phone and dialing Gabriel’s number.

“No, no, no, not my family, not my family,” Castiel whispered. Dean listened to the phone ring once, twice, again, unease settling in his stomach.

“ _Hello_?” a loud voice barked.

“Gabriel?”

“ _Who’s asking_?”

“Gabriel, I’m Dean, Cas’ friend, you need to come over. Now.”

“ _Why_?” Gabriel asked. Dean heard footsteps on the other line.

“Cas is having some kind of panic attack, man, I don’t fucking know how it happened or what to do,” Dean said hurriedly, glancing back at Castiel, who was holding his hands over his bright red ears, mumbling incoherent words.

“ _Shit_ ,” Gabriel breathed. “ _I’ll be there in ten. Don’t fucking let him leave_!” Dean hung up the phone, scooting over to sit hear Castiel, hand tracing the length of his back.

“You’re, fine, Cas, just fine,” Dean whispered.

-

Castiel’s ears were ringing. He could barely gasp at the air, his mouth gaping like a fish, face hot and red. He barely felt the fingers tracing his back.

“Please,” he whispered, a shattered sob coming from his chest.

“Forgot my money,” a cheery voice said.

“Garth, get out!” Castiel heard Dean yell. He covered his ears.

“Please, stop yelling, please, stop yelling, please, please,” Castiel repeated, voice thick and hoarse against his scratchy throat.

“Crap, yeah, is he-”

“Garth!”

“I’ll be back later.” The door closed. Castiel felt arms around him, pulling him into a sitting position. He thrashed for a moment before slumping down in defeat, shaking. It felt like days had passed as he sat there, sniffling, listening to Dean hum some song he had never heard. A loud knock sounded before it opened and Castiel fell away from Dean, eyes squeezed shut.

“Where-” the voice stopped as it saw Castiel. He heard Dean stand and another sit beside him, hand lightly touching his back. Castiel flinched away from the touch. “Castiel? Cassie, it’s me, it’s Gabe. Cassie, look at me.” Castiel opened his gluey eyes to find Gabriel staring down at him. He wrapped his brother in a hug, face pressing into his shoulder, lips blubbering incoherent words. They sat like that for a long time. Exhausted, Castiel felt sleep pulling at the corners of his mind.

-

“What the fuck was that?” Dean hissed as they moved outside, Castiel now passed out in his bed. Gabriel was running his hands through his hair, shaking his head as he did so.

“Look, man, I’m sorry you had to see that,” he muttered. He looked up with glassy eyes. “What started it?”

“I have no fucking clue. One minute we’re walking to the parking lot, then-” Dean stopped, remembering George’s comment when he walked by and Castiel’s instant reaction. “ _Fucking_ bastard!” Dean tore down the hall, slamming on George’s door, fist bound to be bruised. Gabriel was running to catch up, a confused expression on his face. “Open the fucking door!” Benny’s face was the one that appeared, only fueling Dean’s anger. “Where the fuck is George?” he demanded, trying to push past the man. Benny stopped him.

“Whoa, brother, take it easy. Why do you need to see George?” Furious, Dean grabbed Benny and moved him out of the way, forcing himself into the room and finding a drunk George on one of the beds.

“Who the fuck let him in?” George hiccupped. Dean grabbed the man, slamming him into the wall. Gabe and Benny stood back.

“What the _fuck_ did you say to Castiel?” Dean seethed. George pondered the name before breaking into a grin.

“Just- hic- reminded him of what a little fag he is,” George grinned. Dean smashed him into the wall, George crying out as his skull cracked on the wall.

“Dean!” Benny and Gabe both yelled. Gabe grabbed Dean’s shirt, tearing him away from the disorientated George and dragging him into the hall.

“Fuck!” Dean yelled, smashing a hand into the wall.

“Dean, you need to listen to me. Castiel had a shitty childhood. I… I don’t know how much you know about our parents-”

“I know everything.” Gabe looked surprised.

“Fuck, uh, wow. Dad was… he would call Cassie what… what that kid called him. Especially… during the beatings,” Gabe said softly, looking down. Dean’s eyes widened.

“Fucking beatings?” Dean whispered.

“I thought you knew…?”

“I… not that,” Dean said, placing a hand on his forehead. Gabe looked down. “It was so bad. Has he had them before?”

“Only twice. Once, when he was five, just after dad left. And again when he was seventeen, after mom told him about Alfie. Fuck, I didn’t think it would happen again… He’s just been so stressed…” Dean was bracing himself against the wall, eyes closed. Gabe touched his shoulder. “You alright?”

“Just trying not to rip someone’s head off,” Dean grunted. Gabriel moved away.

“Listen, Cassie’s asleep, and I hate to do this, but I really need to go. I have a shift I can’t get out of.” Dean nodded once. “I’m sorry to do this, man, I tried, but…”

“It’s fine. Sammy used to get like this. I can handle it,” Dean muttered, standing up and looking at Gabriel.

“Thanks. I’ll stop by tomorrow. Fuck, I’m late,” Gabe said, eyeing his watch. He gave one last worried look at Dean and the door before running off. It took all of Dean’s self-control to not kill George Caroway. He instead went back into Castiel’s dorm. Closing the door softly, Dean crept over to the bed.

“I’m sorry this happened, Cas,” he whispered. Dean quickly took off the sleeping man’s shoes, then his jacket. He grabbed a blanket at the foot of his bed and placed it around his unconscious form. Castiel was out like a light. Dean sat carefully on the bed.

Slowly, he leaned down, gingerly touching his lips to Castiel’s heated forehead. Castiel squirmed in his sleep, his hand reached out and grabbing Dean’s shirt, arm wrapped around his waist. Dean froze. It felt like a parallel to when they had been in the hospital. Sighing, Dean kicked off his boots, laying down next to Castiel, who gripped Dean close.

_He just needs an anchor is all. Stress like that can drive you crazy,_ Dean thought to himself, heart pounding as Castiel moved closer still. Dean moved his hand to Castiel’s back, trailing his fingers down it in an uneven pattern over his shirt before reaching under it and drawing random shapes. Castiel let out a strangled noise and Dean froze. A soft sob breathed through his lips and he was still, Dean continuing with his pattern.

“You’re just fine, Cas,” he whispered into the darkness. “Just fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just wanted to comment that I DID NOT intend on this chapter turning out like this. It was supposed to be rainbows and butterflies, and, I admit, a first kiss in the theatre. But life came along, and some shit went down, and I ended up... well, I ended up writing this instead, we'll go with. Happy times ahead, I promise!


	6. My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel awakes to find someone in his bed. Again. And again, he knew that this person should always be in his bed. The question was, did they want to be there too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, guys! Let me just quietly fangirl here that I am STILL freaking out that Cas said my name in the show (Hannah) and that typing it here makes me both happy and sad. Thank you so much for the bookmarks and Kudos, I'm so happy you're all enjoying it! Let me know what you think of it so far, and don't be afraid to critique! Or, you know, share it with all of your friends ;)

Castiel awoke next to a warm body. Again. He cracked open a puffy eye, nearly glued shut. He reached his arm up to wipe it clean, but found only his right arm was usable, the left trapped under a heavy, snoring body. Castiel froze. He tried to sit up, but his head was spinning. He decided the pillow was his friend, eyes focusing on the ceiling and low breathing next to him. Tears welled in the corner of his eyes and Castiel frowned, wiping them away. Who was next to him? Shimmying on the bed, he saw that it was Dean, head rolled to one side, back against the headboard, one arm thrown across his chest and other resting on Castiel’s leg. He let out a deep breath before shifting, hand sliding across the top of the blanket. Castiel froze. He closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose, trying to piece together the previous night. All he remembered was fear, overwhelming, unimaginable terror, something ripping at him. Heart pounding, Castiel squeezed his eyes shut, trying to swallow the panic rising in his throat. He took a shaky breath, releasing it slowly. He was safe, he was fine, nothing was wrong. He continued to repeat those words to himself voicelessly, hoping he could manage to convince himself that they were true.

Castiel froze as Dean shifted once more, rolling over completely and landing on a now startled Castiel. He let out a small cry of surprise, snapping Dean awake. He wrenched himself upright, falling off of the small single bed and landing with a loud THUD on the floor. A moan of pain escaped his lips as he landed on his stitches. Castiel shuffled himself to the edge, peering over and trying to wake his dead arm.

“Dean?” Castiel asked hoarsely. Dean shot up from the floor, shoulder forgotten, expression filled with worry.

“Cas, buddy, are you okay?” he asked, reached a hand out to touch Castiel’s face before quickly recoiling it. Castiel sat up slowly in the bed, one hand on his head. Dean jumped up, hovering nervously, Castiel waving him off.

“I… I’m fine, Dean. You needn’t worry.” He chewed on his lower lip. “What happened last night?” he asked, pulling off the blanket. Castiel threw it back on in a hurry, realizing he was completely nude from the waist down. Dean whipped around, ears a bright red, Castiel himself blushing furiously.

“I didn’t do that,” Dean coughed out. Castiel muttered something before grabbing his pants, hurriedly throwing them on and stepping out of the bed. Dean caught him before he hit the floor. “Easy, buddy. You passed out around six, been sleeping ever since. What is it, ten?” Dean locked his eyes on a clock as he read the time. Castiel’s head was swimming as he sat back down on the bed, Dean sitting beside him and placing an arm around him. Castiel found tears leaking out of his eyes and was confused, not comprehending why he was distressed. “Fuck, Cas, are you okay?” Dean wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close instinctively pressing his lips into Castiel’s hair, like he would do with Sam when he would get his nightmares. Dean froze, lips still touching the scalp of his friend. “Uh, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Castiel mumbled, trying to control the sudden onslaught of tears and emotion. Last night was a fuzzy, disgusting blur of crazy that Castiel longed to forget, but knew that he would only slowly regain his memories if it was anything like the others.

“Gabriel, he was here, for a while. You passed out eventually,” Dean told him softly, fingers running up and down Castiel’s back as he tried to compose himself.

“What is wrong with me?” he asked breathlessly, a low sob hiccupping out of his throat, fists pounding into his eyes to keep the water from flowing. Dean began to make small circles on Castiel’s back, reaching his hand under the shirt. Castiel didn’t complain.

“Nothing is wrong with you. You’re fine, just fine,” Dean soothed. Castiel took slow, deep breaths, making a small difference in his composure, finding that the tears were stopping, slowly but surely. Eventually, his puffy eyes were dry. Castiel pressed himself into Dean, wrapping him in a hug.

“Thank you, Dean,” he mumbled into the shirt sleeve. He pulled back when Dean bristled, remembering the odd puncture wound and trying to avoid hurting Dean any further.

“It’s fine, really.” They sat in compatible silence, Dean tracing small designs onto Castiel’s hand in another effort to calm him. Castiel was leaning into Dean’s shoulder. In one way, this was intimate to the very core, Castiel completely emotionally drained and vulnerable, while, at the same time, it was just survival, just Castiel clinging to something solid, something to hood him in place.

“Can- can I tell you about my life, Dean?” Castiel asked quietly. If Dean was surprised by the question, he did a very good job of hiding it.

“Tell whatever you want.” Castiel froze, not expecting that answer. “Maybe we should go back and forth.” Dean felt Castiel’s sudden tension and wanted to ease it as best as he could, even if that meant discussing his fucked up life. Castiel released a slow breath.

“That would better,” he said. “When I was born, I was youngest of three. Gabe was four and Anna was six. I was… unexpected. It turns out my father…” Castiel faltered, unable to complete his sentence. Dean interjected quickly.

“I’m the oldest, then Sammy, then Adam, our half-brother. My mother, she died when I was four, six months after Sammy was born, a nursery fire. My dad kept his sanity until Sammy was two, then he just… lost it.”

“My father was to… move on, after Gabriel, but decided to stay when there was a third pregnancy. My mother miscarried. There was one more before me, a stillborn. My mother refused to have another, but then I was born. And alive. My father stayed another six years. Anna was twelve when he left, and I- I had another seven half siblings by then. I know only a few. Ezekiel, Gadreel, Hael and Naomi. I have never met the other three,” Castiel confessed. He felt… weightless. He needed to talk. For many years, he had been told that talking helped. And for many years, Castiel had called bullshit on that claim. It seemed too accurate at this time, though.

“When I was nine, my dad hit me. I had lost Sammy in hide and seek earlier. Dad was… angry. He couldn’t stop. I don’t know why. I lost two baby teeth. Sammy was okay, though, and that was all that mattered. That Sam was fine. I was too far gone already. Already motherless and already a fuckup. There’s a difference between losing a mom and never having one, you know? Sam got lucky. He got brains and he got protection. I got beaten.”

“I was seventeen when I found out,” Castiel whispered. “My mother was talking to a friend. I walked in and she told me. She had no idea how many there really were. Michael and Lucifer, three months apart, were the first ones. And a couple of years later, Raphael and Bartholomew were born, one year apart. There are so many more. I know Zachariah is older, but Uriel and I are nearly the same age. Rachel and Hannah are two others, but I only saw Rachel at the trial. She is one year younger than me, and Hannah quite a bit younger. And, of course, Samandriel. When I found out, I was in denial. And then I attended the trial, and it became so… so real. I couldn’t handle it. I had a mental breakdown.”

“When I was young, my favourite thing would be to stay at Bobby’s and sleep outside, under the stars. We started staying with Bobby when Sam was a baby, so sometimes I would be alone with a sleeping bag and a teddy bear. But it didn’t matter. I was free. Just the sky. When I was thirteen, I stupidly invited a girl from school to come over and spend a night under the stars with me. Bobby found out and nearly tanned my ass, saying I just wanted in her pants. He never believed me when I told him all I wanted was a friend. A true friend.”

“He would beat us. When my mother was out and he was there with just us. Always in the stomach or back, try not to leave bruises. If he did, we were smart enough to blame it on each other.” Castiel was quiet for a moment, and Dean knew not to interrupt. “He would call me a… a faggot. Because I wanted to play with Anna’s dolls.” Castiel’s voice cracked. “He said only queers played with dolls, and then he… he threw me, right across the room. I was six. I cracked my head on the window, I got three stitches. At the hospital, I told a nurse everything. Her name had been Meg. I was there overnight, my dad had left the three of us there and no one could find our mother.” Dean squeezed Castiel closer to him. “I loved Meg. When Gabe and Anna fell asleep, she would talk to me, tell me everything was okay and my mom would be there. She kept calling me Clarence by mistake, but I didn’t mind. When my mother was found, Meg told her everything. The beatings. The abuse. The name calling. Why I was in the hospital. Meg told my mother to keep an eye on her unicorn before leaving for the night. The next day, my mother was screaming at my father, kicking him out of the house.” Castiel stopped, breath hitching as he remembered curling up in a ball in his mother’s arms, wishing he could make it better, fix life, fix everything. Dean pulled Castiel into a tight embrace. Castiel was shaking, and Dean found himself to be as well.

“You deserve so much more,” Dean murmured softly. Castiel moved his limp arms to wrap around Dean’s back, pulling him closer. He moved his face from Dean’s t shirt, eyes slowly travelling up Dean’s chest, resting on his mouth, then his eyes. Castiel sat up, clothes rustling as he moved, breath shallow. Dean moved himself forwards, pushing his lips lightly onto Castiel’s, putting a hand gently on Castiel’s neck, lips moving slowly and with precision. He moved back. Castiel was still shaking as Dean pulled him close again, head against Dean’s chest as he stroked Castiel’s dark hair.

“You shouldn’t, Dean. I’m broken,” Castiel told him in a choked voice.

“I need you. Broken or not, I need you,” Dean stated simply. Castiel felt his words get swallowed by that simple statement, so much he needed to say, but all of it could wait. He wanted to enjoy this short time with just Dean. This short time where they could be together, alone, at peace.

………..

Somehow, even after sixteen hours of sleep, Castiel’s head had slumped against Dean’s chest, soft snores escaping his mouth and body thick with sleep. Dean had gently laid him down, resuming his post beside the man. He had a test at two, but he had a few hours before he needed to leave. He grabbed his books, sifting through the pages, trying to cram some last minute knowledge into his brain. A soft knock came on the door, and Dean whisper-yelled that it was fine to come in. Garth entered first, then Charlie, a box of doughnuts in hand. Garth threw his bag on the ground, barely paying any attention to Dean or Castiel as he slithered into his bed, pulling the covers over his head and falling asleep nearly immediately. He had deep bags under his eyes, and Dean assumed that he had been cramming all night, like Dean should have been. Charlie crept silently over to the bed, setting up a small camp of a pillow and the blanket Castiel had used the previous night, grabbing a pink sprinkled doughnut and pushing the box up to Dean, who took a white powdered one.

“Is he okay?” Charlie asked quietly, trying to hide the concern on her face as she shoved the whole doughnut into her mouth, grabbing a second one without looking. Dean rolled his eyes at her hunger, but answered her question in all seriousness.

“He’ll be fine, eventually.”

“What the hell was that last night?”

“Panic attack. I… how much do you know? About his family?” Dean asked cautiously.

“I know most things. About his dad. And all the crazy angel shit. And I’ve met Gabe and Anna at Christmas.” Dean nodded.

“George Caroway started it,” Dean growled.

“What do you mean?” Charlie asked, turning herself to face Dean. The two had grown quite close in the last month, finding out they had quite a few similar interests, namely Star Wars and Star Trek.

“I can’t be a hundred percent sure, but I’d be willing to bet that the scum set it off. He… he called Cas a fag. And I came up to bring him to meet you, and found him on the ground, freaking the fuck out.” Charlie’s lips were in a firm line as she tried to pick between killing George slowly or being here when Castiel awoke. She chose option number two. For now.

“I’ll skin him alive,” she snarled.

“Together,” Dean said, tone serious but word with no meaning behind it. Charlie let out a dark chuckle, grabbing a third doughnut as Dean took a second. Garth muttered something in his sleep and both ignored the strange little dude. Dean flipped through a couple more pages of notes, one hand glued to Castiel’s back, tracing designs.

“You kissed him,” Charlie stated.

“What?” Dean said, too loud. “No!”

“You totally did.”

“Charlie, be quiet,” Dean whispered hoarsely, trying to hide his reddening face. Charlie chortled from below him, keeping her mouth shut. Dean could practically smell the smugness rolling off of her and fucking Christ he could _hear_ her smile. How? He didn’t know, but he knew he could. He rolled his eyes, snagging a third doughnut. The room was quiet other than snoring and breathing. Everyone seemed at ease. Except, of course, Dean, who was on the verge of killing a certain redhead.

“Dean?”

“What?”

“Just… be careful with him, okay?” Dean stiffened slightly. He opened his mouth to deny a relationship, but as he did, Castiel shifted in his sleep, arm dropping over Dean’s lap and face pressed into his side, a small smile on his lips as he slept. Dean reached over and brushed the hair out of his eyes.

“I will, Charlie. I promise.”


	7. Is It Winter Already?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel hates Christmas with the family, but maybe with his new, extended family it can finally be worthwhile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about the rest of you, but it's been 24 hours and I'm still not okay about that goddam finale. I totally called that ending, but shit, I didn't want it to happen!
> 
> Oh, and a heads up- I reside in the 'Great White North' of Canada, so I feel that I should clarify a 'toque' as a snow hat and -25 as Celsius, for our dear American friends. 
> 
> As always, thank you for so many Kudos and Bookmarks! Let me know what you think!

Castiel was smiling to himself on his bed, feet propped up on his pillow, a textbook in his hands. Winter break was just beginning, and he couldn’t have been happier. Two months. Two whole months since Dean had placed that gentle kiss on his lips and had decided Castiel was worth the risk. Castiel knew that Dean was risking a lot. While Dean claimed to be nonchalant about his bisexuality, Castiel could tell that every time they were in public and he shied away from a peck on the lips, Dean just wasn’t ready. Charlie, Ruby, Sam and Gabriel knew about them. That was it. Not even Garth was trusted with the secret, and most definitely neither of their parents. Now it was Christmas time, though, and Castiel was getting ready to have to go home and put a smile on his face, feigning happiness around his family when he knew all he would want to do was come home to be with Dean. Unless… No, Castiel couldn’t think that. Even if his mother said yes, there was no way Dean would want to spend Christmas with Castiel. Who would look after Sam? What about Bobby? Hell, even John? Castiel shook the thought from his mind, but felt it creeping back in every so often, nagging at him incessantly. With a quick glance up from his textbook and a wave, Castiel said farewell to his roommate, who was leaving to spend Christmas with Beth. Just as Castiel expected, Dean was right outside the door, switching places with Garth and wishing him a merry Christmas as the smaller man left. Dean stepped into the dorm room with a wicked grin lighting up his features. He sunk down onto Castiel’s bed, moving the textbook away and looking at him with excitement. Castiel rolled his eyes, tossing the textbook on the ground. Dean eyed the heavy book.

“Dude, finals are over. Why the studying?” Dean asked, rolling over onto his back and putting his feet on Castiel’s wall. Castiel quickly pulled them down, not needing shoeprints to decorate the bare space above his bed. Dean snorted. “Neat freak.”

“Shut up,” Castiel grumbled. “I’m not studying, I was checking one of my answers.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Did you get it right?”

“No,” Castiel sighed. Dean lightly traced his arm.

“It’s just one question. You’ll do fine. If anyone here is totally fucked, it’s me, one hundred percent.”

“Don’t say that.”

“So then you shut up about your own grades,” Dean shot back.

“Truce?”

“Truce.” Dean sat back up, standing and pulling Castiel with him.

“Why are we up?” he asked, feeling slightly dizzy from being grabbed with no warning.

“I don’t know. Why not? Hey, what do you say we get Ruby and Charlie together for Christmas? I’m sure Bobby would lend us the house.” Castiel looked away. Dean’s face immediately fell. “What is it? Is there someone else? Fuck, I rushed it, fuck me, I’m fucking sorry, fuck. I’ll just go.”

“No!” Castiel yelled, grabbing his arm. Dean looked both angry and hurt. “I- I’m going to my mother’s, for Christmas. Do you want to come?” The words just fell out of his mouth. He wanted to say them, sure, but he wasn’t ready for Dean’s response.

“You’re mom’s?”

“But, I mean, Sammy’s here, and your friends and your dad, and Bobby, so I get it, if you just want to, you know, ditch, but not ditch, since you never committed, and, oh God, I’m rambling, please say something and make me shut up.”

“Sammy’s going to Jess’s,” was all Dean said.

“Oh.”

“And Bobby’s on a hunting trip. Hasn’t been home in a few days. Won’t be back ‘til after Christmas.”

“Oh.”

“So…” Dean said, moving his hands. “If you wanted to, uh, Christmas this bitch up, I’d maybe like to go.”

“This is too fast, isn’t it?”

“Naw, man, we can be… friends, while we’re there.”

“Friends who… are not friends.”

“Just _very_ close friends.”

“Okay. Uh, I was hitching a ride with Gabriel. But maybe you could drive us there. It’s just an hour south.” Dean was grinning from ear to ear. Castiel despised Christmas with most of his heart. It was quiet, awkward and usually filled with Gabriel’s constant chatter to ease the tension. It had been this way since Castiel was seven, when his father left. Thirteen terrible Christmases. Maybe this one would be better with Dean there.

“Yeah, that’d be great! Uh, should I pack? How long is this trip?”

“Just a week.”

“So packing isn’t necessary, is what you’re saying?” Castiel chuckled.

“Maybe _one_ fresh pair of underpants would be helpful.” Dean’s grin, if possible, widened. He moved towards Castiel, lightly stroking his face and gently moving their lips together. Castiel felt as if he was left hanging when Dean let go, moving towards the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“8am, Dean! I know that’s the earliest you’ll have awoken in years, but I promised my mother I’d be there for ten!”

“Fine, fine! I’ll pick you out up front!” Dean closed the door, the smile still lighting his face when he disappeared behind the wood. Castiel found himself smiling as well. He hadn’t genuinely _grinned_ since he was a child, but this smile was enough for him, and hopefully it would be enough for Dean, because Castiel was unsure as to whether he could handle anything more.

Shaking his head, Castiel reached behind himself and grabbed the phone, sitting down on his bed and dragging the cord with him, one hand dialing Gabriel’s number and the other fiddling with the small loops.

“Listen, it’s four days until Christmas, and if I have to tell one more of you motherfuckers to stop calling, I’m gonna shit a brick,” Gabriel growled into the phone.

“Gabe, it’s Jim,” Castiel said, a fresh smile working it’s way onto his lips.

“Cassie! Sorry, little bro, those damn church lovers won’t stop calling,” Gabriel exclaimed. Castiel could _see_ the lopsided grin that was dancing across his brother’s mouth, practically hear it in his voice.

“Listen, Gabriel, I won’t be needing a ride tomorrow.”

“Why? Are you ditching? Do I have to kill a bitch?”

“What, no! Uh, a friend is driving me.”

“I see. Your boy toy’s gonna drive ya’. I gotcha. Don’t worry, Cassie- secret’s safe with me!”

“Gabriel!” Castiel mumbled, a blush creeping up his neck.

“What? Can’t I flaunt my knowledge when no one’s around?”

“No!”

“So he’s offered to drive, and now your dear old Gabriel is put out of business, huh?”

“He’s, uh, he’s staying. For the week.” Gabriel whistled.

“You sure know how to pick the perfect occasion to have the big gay freak out, Cassie!”

“Gabriel!”

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out! Copy on the hot date for our occasion. Just don’t fuck too loud, my room is right next to yours, and I have delicate ears. Over and out.” The phone beeped in Castiel’s ears. He groaned, hanging up and placing a hand on his temple. He could feel the migraine growing and he knew this week would be the longest of his life. Sighing, Castiel picked up the phone once more, dialing his mother’s number.

“Hello?”

“Mother, it’s Jimmy.”

“Castiel! How are you, darling?”

“Fine, yourself?”

“Always so serious. Don’t be this angry during the holidays!”

“I was just speaking with Gabriel.”

“That explains it, then.”

“Mother, could I bring a plus one this week?”

“Oooooh, who’s the girl? Is she pretty? Can I expect a marriage proposal at dinner? I won’t tell, I swear!”

“Mother!”

“Oh Castiel, calm down! What’s her name?”

“His name is Dean. He’s my friend, the one who was at the hospital and… in my room, during… you know.”

“Oh,” was all she said. “Well, I’d rather a girlfriend, but your boyfriend is fine too.”

“ _Mother!_ ”

“It’s not like it’s a _surprise_ , Castiel.”

“Dean and I are not- are not-”

“Oh, Cassie. A mother knows.”

“He- you-”

“Castiel! Pull your head out of your ass and be happy that Gabriel told me when you were fourteen!”

“What?” he sputtered.

“I have to go, Anna’s here. And Castiel?”

“Uh…”

“That boy better be everything I’ve been waiting for!” With that, she hung up. Castiel sat, numb, waiting to be able to feel, well, _anything_ again. His mother knew. His mother had known since he was a teenager. At least Gabriel kept his secret for two years. Longer than the douchebag ever had before. Castiel slowly peeled himself from his bed, leaving the room and padding down to the dorm’s bathroom. Everything was moving at an incredibly slow rate, but also at high speed. Perhaps this is what it feels like to be on drugs. He opened the door and immediately turned around on his heels when he found George Caroway at one of the sinks. Heart pounding, Castiel barely noticed when he ran smack into Charlie.

“Whoa, Jim, where’s the fire?” she asked, laughing at her own sentence, like always. When she saw the panic in Castiel’s eyes, she quickly led him down the hall and back to his room. He fumbled when opening the door, slipping inside and dragging Charlie with him, locking it quickly. He let out a loud breath.

“You okay, Jim?”

“Fine, fine,” he muttered, keeping his eyes closed.

“You don’t look fine.”

“Fuck off, Bradbury.”

“Not until you calm down, Novak.” A final, loud breath whistled through Castiel’s teeth as he slowly opened his eyes, being met with the sight if Charlie barely a few centimeters in front of him. He jumped, pulling away from her looming eyes.

“You’ll give me a heart attack one of these days! Jesus!”

“What. Is. Wrong. With. You?”

“My mother,” he admitted with a sigh.

“What’s wrong? Is she okay?”

“She’s fine, healthy, uh, healthy as a horse. She… Charlie, she knows. Gabriel, he told her when I was a kid.”

“That’s it? Jeeze, man, you had me scared for a minute there!”

“What do you mean, ‘that’s it’? I’ve been hiding this from everyone for _years_ , and she’s just cool with it, and it make no sense!”

“Shouldn’t you be happy about this?”

“I-”

“Jim. Just be happy. It’s okay. To be happy, I mean. Seriously.” Castiel was silent before nodding. “Good! Now, I’ve managed to scrounge up some cash, and if we can find somewhere with a stove, Ruby and I are planning a big Christmas feast! You in?” Castiel’s tongue felt dry. He had been ranting for nearly a week to Charlie about how much he hated Christmas with his crazy family, and how much he wished he could just stay home, and she had insisted this year would be better. Castiel just hadn’t been aware that Charlie would take that matter into her own hands. Who was he kidding? This was Charlie, of course she would. It had just slipped his mind. Lately he had been… preoccupied with things. Certain things. Or people. Not naming anyone. They might be Sean with a D rather than an S. But no one’s naming names.

“Charlie, I feel like shit, but I have to go this year.” Charlie pursed her lips.

“Why? We’d have so much fun! Everyone, well, everyone but Garth, but everyone else could come! We could have Dean and Sam and maybe even that Gilda girl I was talking to. She was pretty hot.”

“You’re dating Ruby!” Castiel scoffed.

“I’m committed, not blind,” Charlie retorted.

“Well, I can’t, and I’m really sorry, Charlie. I think that maybe this year will be better, though.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Dean, he’s, maybe, sort of said… Dean is coming to dinner.” A smile lit up Charlie’s face.

“Why didn’t you just say that? Oh, Jim, have a great time!” Charlie said, wrapping him in a hug. Castiel found himself unwillingly returning the embrace. Charlie pulled herself off of him, still smiling.

“Anything to get away from you,” he joked. Charlie punched his arm.

“You’re such a liar. Here, let’s get you packed and ready to go!”

………..

The air was cold and Castiel was grumbling in the passenger seat, scarf pulled up as high as it would go. Dean was sitting next to Castiel with his window all the way down, no toque and no mittens, just the seven hundred layers he seems to constantly be wearing. There was, of course, a loud Zeppelin tape playing, but what else was new? Even though he was freezing his nuts off, Castiel couldn’t help but smile. Dean was happy. Dean was fucking crazy and going to die of hypothermia, but Dean was happy. He was singing along to the lyrics, and had long ago stopped asking Castiel to join when he discovered the man had no sense of pitch and knew none of the words to any song he had. For some reason, Castiel thought back to the dream all those months ago, where they had sung together in their own happiness, heads thrown back in laughter. Just a dream, but still a nice enough one. Castiel was brought back to reality when he noticed that the music had stopped. Dean was looking grim. Either Castiel had missed something important, or Dean had eaten something terrible for breakfast.

“Dean? Are you all right? Castiel asked, rubbing his hands together in his lap, braving the cold to quickly readjust his hat. Dean’s hands were tight on the steering wheel.

“What in the fuck are we doing?” Dean asked, looking from Castiel to the snowy road.

“Um, driving to my mother’s home.”

“No, no. I mean us, Cas. What are we doing?”

“I… I don’t know how to answer, other than a comment on freezing to death.”

“Cas, I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I’ve never met the girl’s parents, let alone the boy’s.” Ah. So this was it. The big gay freak out. At least Dean was having it here and not in Castiel’s childhood home.

“Dean, everything will be fine.”

“And no one knows about us, right?” Castiel was quiet. Dean smacked his arm before returning both hands to the wheel. “No one knows about us, _right_?”

“Gabriel knows.”

“Yeah, I knew that.”

“And my mother,” Castiel said, voice barely audible.

“What, how?” Dean demanded, trying to keep his head level and the car from sliding off of the icy road.

“She assumed. I didn’t confirm nor deny it, but it is safe to assume she knows.”

“Shit.”

“Shit indeed.” They were thrown violently into a deafening silence, Dean’s anxiety nearly palpable. Castiel knew he was trying desperately to keep his cool, but Dean wasn’t very good at hiding his fear. At least, not right now. It seemed like mere seconds before the large white farmhouse was looming before the two, the winding driveway spread out behind the two. Dean stopped, cutting the engine, turning to Castiel and pressing his lips to the other man’s, warming them immensely. Castiel wrapped his freezing hands around Dean’s neck, pulling him onto Castiel, who was shifting himself so that Dean was on top of him. Dean gripped Castiel’s jacket and hair like they were his lifeline and as if he never wanted to release them. Castiel was clinging to Dean out of warmth and need, both of them breathing heavy in the front seat of the Impala. Dean was soon running his hands under Castiel’s shirt. Castiel had to wonder what brought this on, but pushed the tiny voice to the back of his mind, finally giving in to temptation. The two had made out before, hot and heavy in the dorm, but it was always cautious; you never knew who might see. It was the same circumstance here with the wandering hands and lusty gazes as the two pressed their bruised lips together again and again, tongues searching and needy, but for some reason Dean had really stopped giving a shit, and Castiel wouldn’t be complaining about that. Castiel moved his head to kiss the length of Dean’s neck, fingers reaching under his jacket and finding warmth against Dean’s fiery skin, Dean shuddering as the cold came in contact with his flesh. Castiel opened his eyes with a gasp when Dean grazed his teeth over the blue eyed man’s collarbone.

Castiel nearly jumped out of his skin when he found himself staring at a half disgusted and half hysterical Gabriel at the open window.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would say you two are trying to have angry car sex while it’s fucking -25 out here. You’ll be lucky if the famjam didn’t hear those wild moans,” Gabriel teased, Dean wrenching himself off of Castiel and slamming his head on the ceiling as he did so, scampering over to his seat before quickly doing up the window and opening the door, finding himself standing quite a few inches taller than this grinning man. Castiel seemed to be frozen in his seat, hair wild, shirt ruffled and teeth chattering. Dean crunched across the snow to open Castiel’s door and drag him out. Castiel couldn’t tell if it was just the cold, or if Dean Winchester could possibly be _blushing_.

“Gabriel,” was all Castiel managed. Dean covered his mouth after a bubble of laughter escaped. Gabriel rolled his eyes at the same time Castiel did, both of their eyes connecting soon after.

“You smell like sex. Let’s go greet the family!“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got the major conflict finalized. Working on ending chapters as well as these Christmas ones. You will all hate me. All of you. Hop off the bandwagon now if you can't handle anymore feels after last night's sobfest.


	8. Merry Christmas?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel introduces Dean to his animals. Oh, and his beloved pets too. Sometimes, it's best when family doesn't end in blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for triggers in homophobia, beginnings of an anxiety attack, abuse, and overall douche-iness.
> 
> So, this was supposed to be two chapters, since it's nearly six thousand words, but I decided against it, and gave you guys the great gift of one big chapter! Happy not Christmas!

The snow was a gorgeous sight to Castiel, falling in thick flakes around himself and Dean, who was grinning from ear to ear. Castiel was, of course, less than enthused, and was mentally going over every little thing that could go wrong. Castiel braced himself when Gabriel ran ahead, flinging the door open and allowing two very large dogs to run outside. Dean froze, unsure of what to do. Castiel got onto his knees and enveloped them in a hug, one nearly as big as a teenage black bear with long and shaggy fur and the other an orange-red with floopy ears, covering Castiel’s face in drool and his tail nearly bruising Castiel’s side. He looked up with a smile at Gabriel, having nearly forgotten his two favourite animals would be home. When he looked at Dean, he saw panic in the man’s eyes, looking as if he was in fight or flight mode and that flight mode was about to win.

“Dean, are you all right?” Castiel asked, standing with his hands gripping the collars of the dogs.

“I don’t do dogs, Cas.”

“What do you mean you don’t do dogs?”

“I hate dogs.”

“How can anyone hate dogs?”

“How can anyone _not_?”

“Dean, these are my dogs, Lacy the Newfoundland and Maggie the red coonhound. They’re completely safe, and they wouldn’t hurt a fly. Actually, that’s a lie, Maggie’s a hunting dog and Lucy’s a duck retriever, but they’re complete sweethearts.” Castiel was having trouble controlling the two, and eventually had to give in and allow them to sniff Dean, who stood as still as a statue as Maggie took a special interest in his crotch.

“Cas, I am very not okay right now,” Dean whispered, shooting daggers at him.

“You’ll get used to them, trust me.”

“Anymore surprises you forgot to mention?” Dean breathed back, trying not to scream when one of the dogs bumped his ass and then left a slime trail on his fingers.

“We, ahem, we have cats. Numerous cats. Four cats. My mother, she had them in the basement. I have a great love for animals, Dean. I may or may not also have had to leave three guinea pigs behind.” Castiel wouldn’t look at him as Dean made a face of surprise. He had no idea Castiel was such an animal junkie, and to be brutally honest, Dean really couldn’t stand the creatures. One time Sammy had brought home a beagle puppy he found on the street, and Dean immediately flipped his shit, yelling at him to get it out. It ended up living with Bobby until the old man found it another home, but Dean could tell Bobby, for some reason, liked the dog.

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Dean breathed, taking a small step forwards with hands out, drool freezing on his fingers.

“I didn’t think it was important!”

“Castiel, baby!” he heard, seeing his mother fly out the door in a Christmas sweater and apron, feet clad in some form of elf looking shoe. She didn’t even flinch at the cold as she ran forwards, embracing her youngest in a tight hug and rocking him in her arms. The dogs barked and Dean jumped nearly a foot as they barreled away from him and towards their masters. Castiel’s mother had more grey in her hair than she had in September, Castiel noticed, and many more crinkles around her eyes. These past few months had evidentially been hard on her. Castiel grit his teeth when he saw Gabriel trying to keep his stepfather from greeting him, the two already arguing as Gabriel slammed the door. Dean was standing awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Castiel’s mother let him go, zeroing in on the eldest Winchester and moving forwards in brisk strides to wrap her arms around him in a sneak attack. Dean was still stiff from the dogs, but managed a half decent pat on her back.

“Uh, nice to meet you,” Dean grumbled. She was still squeezing him, and Dean thought he could see tears in her eyes when she broke apart at long last. She grabbed one of his hands in both of her own.

“Thank you for saving him, Dean,” she whispered, smiling warmly at him. Dean rubbed the back of his neck, eyes searching for the dogs while he half listened to the woman, trying to find where they had run off to. “I’m Maria, it’s very nice to finally meet you.” Dean smiled at her as she let go of his hands. “The cats are downstairs, Castiel, and will only be allowed out at night. I suggest you keep your bedroom door closed so that Dean isn’t bother by their scent.” Maria hooked her arm through Castiel’s, who was shivering in the cold. “Here, let’s get your luggage and bring you in.” Castiel nodded, adjusting his toque before turning around with Dean to grab his suitcase and Dean’s duffle bag from the trunk. Dean closed and locked it before catching up with Castiel and Maria. Maria whistled, signaling the dogs to run back, and Dean tensed as they blew past the three of them, making a beeline for the door, breath steaming around the two. Maria opened the door, letting the two monster dogs in. They disappeared into the living room, and Castiel chuckled as Dean let out a loud sigh.

“You have a lovely home,” he commented as Maria closed the door. The fire was crackling in the living room and Castiel shed his numerous layers, letting out a contended sigh as hear finally filled his body, spreading down to his toes. Dean shrugged off his leather jacket and another underneath, but kept on his plaid shirt jacket type thing, a black t shirt underneath and the necklace from his brother dangling around his neck.

“Thank you, Dean,” Maria said, touching his arm lightly. Castiel was slightly surprised that he wasn’t being bombarded by aunts and uncles and cousins, but assumed they had yet to arrive. Maria turned to her son. “The pigs have been waiting for you if you would like to put your things upstairs.” That put the biggest smile Dean had ever seen on Castiel’s face. He thanked his mother before grabbing Dean’s hand and forcing him up the wooden staircase, travelling down a hall lined with doors before reaching one at the very end, opening it and dragging Dean inside. Castiel inhaled deeply, the familiar scent of woodchips hitting his nostrils as he tossed his suitcase aside. A loud wheeking was coming from a large wooden cage that took up a great deal of room. Castiel hurriedly moved towards it, pulling out a longhaired ball of fluff that Dean couldn’t help but laugh at.

“That thing looks like Cousin It,” Dean chuckled. Castiel chuckled with him.

“Gabriel has said the same thing in the past. This is Hesiod, would you care to hold him?” Castiel asked.

“Uh, no. As in never.” Castiel rolled his eyes, snuggling the creature close. Dean watched in amusement as the little guy put kisses on Castiel’s face. His hair was extraordinarily long, mostly white with some brown on the shoulders, his face a mixture of orange and black. Castiel couldn’t remove the grin from his face. Dean whistled lowly, and Castiel looked back to see him admiring the cage.

“You build this?”

“Gabriel and I, along with out brother Michael, when he visited. I was fourteen.”

“It’s pretty impressive,” Dean said appreciatively. The cage was made of wood and chicken wire, a massive thing that had half of the top covered to make a second level, a black rodent sitting on top and sniffing the air. Dean’s curiousity got the best of him and he found himself bending down to scoop the black thing into his hands. It was a little squirmy, but Dean managed to keep a hold of it on his chest.

“That’s Hades. I may or may not have had a Greek thing as a teen,” Castiel chuckled. Dean laughed, stroking its short hair. Castiel set Hesiod down, reaching under the covered area to produce a very large pig, black and white with a little brown, and the fluffiest thing Dean had ever seen. He put Hades back in the cage, snorting at how ridiculous this creature in Castiel’s hands looked.

“What in God’s name is that?” Dean asked, laughing.

“This is Pericles. He’s a bit of a handful,” Castiel chuckled.

“That is the biggest rodent I have ever laid eyes on.”

“He is quite large. He takes after his father, I’m afraid.”

“His father?”

“Yes, I acquired these three brothers from a friend who had an accidental breeding, back in ’86. My mother was not a fan of them, but I paid for everything, so she couldn’t say no. Then she fell in love with them.” Castiel affectionately stroked Pericles’ face, then gently set him down as well. He scurried back to his hiding place. Castiel found Dean staring at him when he looked up. “What is it?”

“You’re very different around animals.”

“And?”

“Why aren’t you becoming a vet?”

“I enjoy animals, Dean, but I do not enjoy seeing them in pain. While I can help them, I can’t save them all, and I cannot imagine having the death of another’s pet on my hands.” Dean nodded.

“I guess I understand that.”

“We should go downstairs before my mother gets the wrong idea,” Castiel said, fingers tracing over Dean’s hand. His head snapped to the window when he heard a car door slam, finding his stepfather’s brother get out of the car with his two older children, one with her husband and large belly, and a younger child, the disgusting pig’s new bride in tow. God, Castiel never knew he hated anyone more than Phillip until he met Azazel when he was a mere ten years old. He was the literal definition of scum douche baggery. Dean placed a hand on one of Castiel’s tense shoulders.

“I have a feeling that you hate their guts,” Dean commented.

“That,” Castiel ground out, “is my stepfather’s pig of a brother, Azazel. His wife is Andrea, and their son is Lucas. The older boy, Tom, and his sister, Lilith, they’re from the first marriage. They’re both psychotic to say the least. That’s Lilith’s husband, Alistair, the, pardon my language, creepiest motherfucker to ever grace the planet, and it looks as if she is carrying is child, which is unfortunate to say the least.” Castiel ground his teeth together as he heard the dogs barking below him, the people he despised more than anything (other than the poor young bride and her child that just happened to be the spawn of the devil) entered his home. Dean placed a hand gently on Castiel’s arm.

“Should I leave?” he asked.

“Only if you want to, but right about now you’re the only thing keeping me from smiting someone,” Castiel confessed in a humourless tone. Dean nodded.

“I’ve suffered through worse. Let’s do this.”

The two left the sanctity of Castiel’s room and descended the stairs. Sadly, it was still early in the morning, and they would need to spend an entire day celebrating ‘Christmas cheer’. Tomorrow _was_ Christmas Eve, after all, so everyone was expected to be happy-happy joy-joy all day, whether they felt like it or not. Castiel and Dean hesitated on the stairs, watching as hugs were shared throughout the family. Gabriel was lurking in the entranceway to the living room, his usual smirk wiped off of his face at the sight of his stepfather’s family. Gabriel, like Castiel, despised these people. He didn’t mind their mother’s side, what with the drunken uncle full of war stories and the single parent aunt with a child that behaved like an angel. But Phillip’s side seemed to be direct descendants of Satan himself. Castiel saw that Anna’s head of bright orange was nowhere to be seen, and that she was most likely drowning herself in vodka to get over this Christmas season. Castiel was tempted to drag Dean back up to his room, but Lucas saw him and tugged on his mother’s sleeve, pointing. Andrea, being a decent human being, calmed the boy and flashed Castiel a quick wave, but nothing more; bless her soul, she knew how much he hated everything about this. It was too late, though, as Azazel had seen the gesture and looked upon Castiel’s face. They locked eyes, and the blue eyed man reluctantly stepped off of his hiding spot, Dean following a few steps behind. Maria turned, fixing her youngest with a grin before turning back to doting on the heavily pregnant Lilith. Alistair had been grinning along, but was now focused on Dean for some reason, eyes alight. Dean tried not to look over at the disgusting pig.

“Jim,” Azazel said, extending his hand. Castiel did not move his own. Azazel dropped it, a smug smirk dripping off of his lips. “Who’s your friend there, Jimmy?” Taking a quick breath, Castiel tried to calm himself.

“Azazel, this is my friend, Dean Winchester. Dean, this is Phillips’s sibling, Azazel,” Castiel greeted. The man stuck out his hand towards Dean, which the taller man accepted, squeezing tighter than was considered necessary, a cold look in his eyes.

“Jim, it’s so good to see you!” Andrea exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Castiel, which he briefly returned. He felt nothing but pity for this poor woman, and had no idea how she was so clueless to the fact that she married to the scum of the earth. Lucas wrapped his small arms around Castiel, and the dark haired man couldn’t resist a smile, kneeling down to fully embrace the boy. There were miracles, it seemed, as he was one of the kindest children Castiel had ever met, yet the boy hadn’t said a word since he was two. No one knew why, the doctors said he was normal, but Castiel never pushed the issue like Azazel did. Castiel stood, Lucas looking to Dean.

“Hey, buddy,” Dean said. “I hear your name is Lucas.” The boy nodded. “Good to meet you. Love the shirt.” The boy was wearing ‘The Beatles’ across his chest. Castiel assumed his mother had picked it out, as his father listened to what Dean would refer to as ‘Country backwood bullshit’.

“Oh, Castiel, Anna is in the kitchen!” Maria called from the entrance to the house. Castiel saw Dean stiffen as a dog brushed by him, but refrain himself from instantly jumping back. Well, it was a start. Castiel nodded towards Andrea, dragging Dean past Azazel’s demon spawn and thumping Gabriel in the gut when he made kissy faces. He took a long breath of air when they finally made it to the kitchen, finding Anna sitting at the counter and throwing back a shot of an amber coloured liquid. Strangely enough, it was not in her usual shot glass, and there was no bottle of whiskey on the counter to accompany his sister’s similar views of Christmas.

“Hello, Anna,” he said softly. She turned around, eyes wide at the sight of her brother. She had gained weight. Too much weight. She-

“Anna, are you- are you _pregnant_?” Anna flinched at the word.

“Good to see you too, Jim,” she said softly, looking Dean up and down. He was standing awkwardly in the doorway, unsure of what to do with himself at this point. “That’s a lot of plaid for one man,” she commented, nodding towards Dean. Castiel stepped forwards, hands outstretched towards his sister.

“You never called, I didn’t know-”

“And I made damn sure you didn’t,” she gritted. “I didn’t need you worrying about another thing at this point.”

“Who else knows?”

“None of those psychopaths out there.”

“Lilith is with child as well.” Anna groaned loudly, sitting down on a chair heavily.

“I can already hear her calling us ‘belly buddies’. Jimmy, I cannot take this. Not this year.” Castiel put a hand on her shoulder sympathetically.

“The father?”

“Out of the picture.” Castiel nodded.

“Anna, this is Dean. He is a very close friend, and is staying for Christmas. He, uh, didn’t have any other place to go.” Anna stood, walking towards Dean and looking him up and down. She ran a hand down his arm, feeling the plaid material between her fingers and noticeably tracing the back of Dean’s hand.

“Nice to meet you,” she said, eyes flicking up. Dean swallowed, looking at Castiel desperately. The youngest Novak cleared his throat loudly and Anna jumped, moving away from Dean, but not blushing. She looked determined, and it made Castiel very uneasy. He didn’t doubt Dean, not for a second, but he did know Anna, especially an overly hormonal Anna. He and his sister groaned in unison when they heard people shuffling into the living room, just a mere twenty feet from the kitchen and dining room. Hopefully they would go into the parlour instead. For years, Castiel had been telling his mother that technically, the living room was the sitting room, though larger than most, perhaps a morning room, and that the parlour was the true living room, but his mother had never listened. Castiel out a loud breath when the footsteps faded, obviously going into the furthest room from them.

“Please tell me they aren’t staying,” Castiel begged.

“No, but it’s only because Kieran and Natalie are staying here,” Anna told him. Castiel nodded.

“So they’ll be at the motel?”

“Thankfully.”

“Okay. I think I can deal with that.” Castiel looked back to see that Dean had wandered out into the dining room and was observing family pictures on the wall. Lucas wandered in himself, and Dean crouched down, talking with the boy for a few moments. Castiel looked back to see Anna watching as well, a hand placed over her slightly bloated stomach.

“You have one attractive friend, Jimmy,” Anna informed him. He cocked an eyebrow.

“Is that so?”

“He single?”

“No,” Castiel responded immediately. Anna looked at him strangely.

“You said that awfully fast.” Castiel ran a hand through his hair.

“Please, Anna, try not to flirt with this one.” Anna chuckled.

“You know Gabe, right?”

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re slowly losing brain cells. Maybe it’s the baby.”

“Don’t be so rude.”

“Yes, I know Gabriel.”

“He’s really bad at keeping secrets.” Castiel snapped his head towards his sister, who had been around eighteen at the time Castiel was twelve, Gabriel sixteen. It would have made sense for Gabriel to tell her, but Castiel desperately hoped he hadn’t. As far as Castiel knew, Anna was strongly against homosexual relationships. Then again, she was having a child out of wedlock, so perhaps her views had changed.

“And?”

“And Gabriel was sixteen, Castiel. He barely knew what he was talking about.” Castiel felt his entire body go rigid.

“Are you going to call me an abomination?” Castiel questioned, eyes steely. Horrified, Anna stepped forwards, wrapping Castiel in a hug. He felt her enlarged stomach against him, and when they pulled apart, he couldn’t resist, resting his fingertips on the swell of flesh.

“Castiel, you are not an abomination,” she stared firmly, placing her hand over the hand he had on her stomach.

“Yes I am,” he whispered. Before Anna could protest, Dean was carrying Lucas into the kitchen, making some kind of sound effect that Castiel suspected may have come from Star Wars. Lucas let out an actual _laugh_ , the sound beautiful to Castiel’s ears. Anna was beside herself, grinning a wide and toothy smile. They turned to see Andrea rounding the corner, stopping dead when she heard the laughter. She rushed in, tears in her eyes, looking from Dean to Lucas, who had stopped. Dean set the boy down and Andrea touched his shoulder.

“Baby, can you do that again?” she sniffled. He shook his head no, looking back towards Dean. Dean gave him a stern look and they had a small eye battle, but evidentially the boy won. Andrea wiped a tear from her eye, looking at Dean with what can only be described at pure joy. “Thank you. So much. Come on, sweetie, Auntie Maria wanted to see you.” Andrea took the boy’s hand, and with one final look over her shoulder, disappeared back towards the parlour.

………..

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. The biggest kerfuffle came when Maria’s side of the family arrived around noon and Anna had to greet them, revealing her pregnancy to them all. Maria was of course ecstatic for her first grandchild, but Anna knew she wished that she was with the father. Then again, it’s not like Maria ever had the greatest choice in men herself. Anna then snuck back to the kitchen, drinking more amber liquid that she assured Castiel was apple juice. She just wanted to pretend it was copious amounts of alcohol to calm her nerves. Castiel and Dean had left the parlour quite soon after entering, considering the fact that Dean was sneezing up a storm and that the dogs seemed to sense his hatred towards them. The cats, it seemed, liked the parlour the most, and Dean couldn’t find an area that didn’t affect his allergies. They resorted to sitting in the living room with Natalie’s daughter, Charlotte, but _not_ Charlie, it wasn’t fancy enough. Dean took an instant liking to the girl, as he had done with Lucas. For a man who claimed to strongly dislike children, he seemed to be getting along quite well with Castiel’s cousins.

Dinner was another story entirely. Chicken with roasted potatoes and broccoli was served, Castiel finding it delicious while Dean found a good use for the dogs as broccoli thieves. It was an awkward, forced gathering, seeming to be separated by a thin line between Maria’s side and Phillip’s side. Anna had eaten very quickly and escaped, most likely not to be seen for the rest of the evening. Like Castiel expected, Gabriel was loud and boisterous, a constant entertainment to both Lucas and Charlotte throughout the evening. Dean and Castiel ate quietly, trying not to listen to Azazel’s disgusting voice as he sat across from them with Andrea.

“So, Castiel, when will you be bringing us a pretty girl home?” Natalie asked from a few seats down. Gabriel nearly choked on a piece of chicken (like Dean, his broccoli had also strangely disappeared). Castiel shifted uncomfortably.

“I am not sure. I suppose I haven’t the right one,” Castiel said, shooting a small glance towards Dean.

“Better find one soon before the family starts thinking you’re queer!” Phillip piped up, sending flashes of pure _hate_ down Castiel’s spine. Dean stood from the table, fists balled. He threw his napkin down and left the room, Castiel beginning to follow. “I guess we all know _his_ problem!” Maria stood as well, giving Phillip a disgusted look and following Dean. Before Castiel could follow, Azazel piped up.

“That’s right, fag, run to your boyfriend.” His eyes glittered with challenge, and Andrea quickly covered Lucas’ ears, giving her husband a disgusted look and seeming genuinely repulsed by him.

“You listen here you arrogant, self-centered son of a bitch. Dean is my best friend, and what you have said strikes deep within his and my own beliefs. You are an ignorant asshole, and you have _no_ relation to _anyone_ in my family besides the dickhole at the end of the table. So if you _ever_ say _anything_ like that in my house again, you can rest assured that I will personally cut your balls off and shove them down your throat.” Castiel stood, leaving the table without another word.

“Cassie, wait!” Gabriel called, running after him. Azazel looked entertained, while his wife quickly removed their child from the table and took him to the kitchen. Lilith, Tom, Phillip and Alistair were unfazed, while Kieran took a swig from his flask. Charlotte, being thirteen and with a mind of her own, seemed angry at what Azazel had said, and was about to rip him a new one when Natalie removed her from the table as well, joining Andrea in the kitchen.

Dean had made a beeline for outside, slamming the front door behind him and storming towards his baby. Maria rushed after him, grabbing his arm before he could get in the car. He shook her off violently before realizing what he had done and immediately looking apologetic. She moved towards him again, taking his hands in her own. No words were said, Maria just pulled Dean close, wrapping him in a motherly hug and lightly caressing his back. Dean held her close, trying to stop the rage that was spilling out of him, the heat of the sheer fury that was licking at his limbs. Even after Maria release Dean, she didn’t remove her hand from his back. Dean noticed that she only had a swearer and removed his jacket, realizing he had grabbed it on his way out. He draped it around her shoulders. She gave him a smile and they began to walk towards the house.

Castiel exited the front door, slamming it in Gabriel’s face. A scream of rage filled his lungs, but no sound came out as he slumped against the house, feeling defeated. Dean and Maria sprinted towards him, Gabriel managing to open the front door and crouch next to him as well. Castiel closed his eyes, breathing deeply, trying to sort through his emotions without causing his family any worry. He could feel it. The clench in his gut, the spiny tendrils snaking along his ribcage and latching to his heart, the cold fingers of dread on his windpipe. He knew it was coming, and he knew there was no way to stop it, all because of that one _fucking_ word. He snapped out of it when he felt a hand on his own, looking to find Dean before him, his mother on his left and Gabriel on his right. He released a loud breath, the anxiety ebbing away slowly, but not fast enough.

“Cas, we’re here. I’m here. You’re okay. He can’t get you,” Dean mumbled softly, moving one hand to force Castiel to look at him. Castiel found himself lost in those eyes in an instant. “Are you okay?” He nodded, not trusting his voice. Dean offered him a hand, and Castiel stood, immediately assaulted by his mother, her arms welded into place around her son’s midsection. Castiel returned the hug, Gabriel awkwardly placing a hand on his shoulder.

“You ready, baby bro?” Gabriel asked, perhaps with a nervous tone to his voice.

“I’m ready to bury someone,” Castiel replied darkly.

Once inside, Gabriel steered Castiel and Dean up the stairs, telling Castiel to get his pigs some dinner. Grouchily, Castiel obliged, dragging Dean with him. Downstairs, the shit was hitting the fan.

Kieran, not needing this kind of stress, made a beeline to the basement. Phillip and the rest of his family were left to not only Maria but Gabriel’s wrath as well.

“Alistair, I suggest you take your wife and wait in the car so as not cause her stress,” Maria said calmly. Alistair looked like he was about to make an incredibly idiotic remark, but one look from Gabriel told the man that Maria was completely serious. Tom also left, not interested in hearing his father and uncle be screamed at by some hillbilly bitch who had no right to even be out of the kitchen. When the door, closed, Maria looked sharply at the two men.

“It’s not my fault the dipshit can’t take a joke,” Phillip said, shrugging his shoulders. Surprisingly enough, it was Gabriel who exploded. Rounding the table, he ripped Phillips from his seat, slamming him against the wall.

“You listen to me, you absolute piece of _shit_. I have been dealing with your garbage for ten _fucking_ years, and I won’t hear anymore excuses. You are going to take your coward of a brother and his fucked up demon spawn and get them the _fuck_ away from me before I light you all on fire and throw you into Mount _fucking_ Doom, _do you hear me_?” Phillip, seeming to be at a loss for words for the first time in his pathetic existence, looked towards his brother for backup.

“Maria, are you going to let one simple comment ruin our Christmas?” Azazel asked calmly. Maria snapped his head towards him. She opened her mouth, then closed it. Bringing her fingers to her lips, Maria whistled, signally both Lucy and Maggie to hurry to the dining room, tails wagging in anticipation.

“Azazel, I am unsure if you’re familiar with that whistle,” Maria said calmly. Azazel eyed the dogs warily. “That whistle signals the beginning of a hunt. You have approximately five minutes to get your sorry ass excuse of a family off of my property before I open my mouth and yell a certain word that is spelled s-i-c. Starting now.” Maria looked at the watch on her arm as Gabriel released Phillip in disgust, standing behind his dogs, not touching them when they were in hunting mode for his own safety. Especially Maggie. Azazel seemed shocked.

“No woman will speak to me that way!”

“Four and a half minutes and counting.”

“Maria, you don’t just get to kick me out of my own house!”

“Phillip, I will consider speaking with you about this tomorrow. I understand that you may _truly_ think you had only a useless comment, but the state that Castiel was in tells me that your brother said another, very different word. So, _get the fuck out of my house_.” Phillip, seeing the dead determination in his wife’s eyes and the hungry look on her dog’s faces, quietly left the room, grabbing his coat and leaving the house. Azazel, fuming turned his head towards the kitchen.

“Andrea!” he barked. “Get the kid! We’re leaving!” Andrea appeared in the doorway, shaking, Lucas in her hand.

“We- we’re staying. So long as Maria is all right with that,” Andrea stammered nervously. Maria nodded in her general direction, not taking her eyes off of Azazel. He licked his lips.

“You fucking cunt. Don’t come crawling back to me when this is done.” Azazel turned on his heel and marched towards the door, slamming it loud enough to have a picture fall off of the wall, shattering on the floor. Maria’s shoulders relaxed and Gabriel stood close to her. Andrea collapsed on the floor crying, Lucas, standing above her and wrapping her in a hug. She squeezed him close, and all Maria could see what herself on the night that Gordon had left.

………..

Castiel was trembling on his bed. He had two guinea pigs in his lap while Dean had one; Hades, the calmest. Castiel stroked them gently, trying to bring himself out of prepanic mode, though he knew it was nearly useless. His shaky breaths were the only sound in the room.

“At least they don’t know anything for sure,” Castiel breathed, thankful for small miracles.

“I had no idea it was this bad, Cas.”

“It will be better. I am sure my mother will not stand for that. I- I do not know why I was initially so afraid. So afraid that she would reject me once she knew. I should have known she would love me regardless, but… I could only imagine my father, I suppose, and his rage.” Dean used his free hand to trace along Castiel’s spine. The man shuddered, leaning into the touch. He closed his eyes, keeping his hands firmly on the squirmy creatures he was holding. Dean turned his head, placing a light kiss to Castiel’s lips. Feeling exhausted, Castiel did not have the energy to return it.

The guinea pigs were put back in their cage, and soon Castiel was asleep, Dean beside him, arms wrapped around each other, both falling into a deep sleep.

Castiel awoke later in the night with his throat incredibly dry. It read two am on the clock. He got up from his room and padded down the hallway. Gabriel was, surprisingly, still awake, and waved as Castiel walked by, not saying a word. Castiel could still sense his anger even now. He saw Anna’s door closed and heard soft snores behind her door. The house had two more very small bedroom for guests, one occupied by Natalie and Charlotte and the other by Kieran. Castiel could hear the rumbling snores of the dogs behind his mother’s door. Castiel let out a grin when he came across a cat lounging on the stairs. Scooping up the ginger, Castiel snuggled him close.

“I missed you, Levi,” he whispered into the cat’s scruff, hearing it purr loudly at the touch. Castiel descended the stairs with the animal still in his arms, not seeing another cat as he walked to the kitchen. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, observing Andrea and Lucas on a pullout couch, something that brought him more joy than it really should. When in the kitchen, he put the cat down gently, turning towards the cupboards and grabbing a glass to fill it with water, though he would have preferred vodka at this point. Drinking noisily, Castiel placed the dish in the sink and headed back towards the stairs. He stopped when the outside light flickered on, turning to the door and opening it before the figure could knock.

“It is two in the morning-” Castiel began, expecting Phillip. An unfamiliar man stood before him, back jacket unbutton to reveal a grey v neck t shirt and a reddened chest. He had blond hair atop his head and a suitcase in his hand. “Who the hell are you? What do you want?” The second the man said his name, Castiel knew.

“Pleased to meet you too. I’m Balthazar.”


	9. All I want is to forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel, Gabriel and Dean have a conversation with Balthazar, but things don't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all. Sorry for the lack of update. You see, I have Tendonitis in my wrist, and it hurts like a bitch, especially when I'm typing. I'm hoping to update more often, but this may keep me from doing so.
> 
> Also, this chapter is for Nikki, because her, ahem, push is what's made me keep writing!
> 
> ALSO!
> 
> WARNINGS for homophobia, character injuries, violence against women, child abuse, mentioned rape, bullying, and manipulation.

They always say it’s five o’clock somewhere, but at this point Castiel couldn’t give less of a shit. He was throwing back his second glass of scotch at this point, and it wasn’t even 2:30am. He had quickly ushered Balthazar into the kitchen and left him there, flying up the stairs to get Gabriel and unfortunately finding Dean awake and lounging in Castiel’s bedroom doorframe. Not wishing to wake their mother after the earlier fiasco, Gabriel had agreed that he would speak with this interloper himself, Castiel and Dean tagging along.

Now the four of them were seated in the kitchen, each with a glass of amber liquid between their fingers. Dean was studying Balthazar closely, while Gabriel had his head in his arms. Castiel held two fingers to his temple, and Balthazar was returning Dean’s furtive gaze. No one had really said anything, other than basic introductions. Castiel had hundreds of questions floating around in his head, and if Gabriel would stop drooling all over the table, he was sure his brother would have similar inquiries.

“You must want answers,” Balthazar said coolly.

“You bet your ass we do,” Dean grumbled. Castiel shot him a look.

“What Dean meant to say was yes, we would greatly appreciate answers to a few questions.” Balthazar nodded, zeroing in on Dean’s eye roll.

“Ask away,” he said, leaning back in his chair and sipping from his cup. Castiel opened his mouth to speak when Gabriel snored loudly. Castiel shot a glare at his currently unconscious brother, wishing they had something stronger than scotch hiding around. Anna hadn’t brought her vodka this year, and Castiel really could have used some.

“Do you prefer the name Balthazar, or something different? I myself prefer Jimmy, and Gabriel Gabe.”

“The few friends I have left call me Baz,” he told them, giving Castiel an odd look. “See, I understand Gabe, but tell me; where the fuck does one get Jimmy from Castiel?”

“James is my middle name,” Castiel informed him.

“Why not Cas?”

“Only I can call him that,” Dean piped up, grumbling.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to upset your boyfriend,” Balthazar chuckled. Dean shot Castiel a look. “But I will resist the urge, and try to stick with Jimmy for now.”

“Thank you, Bal… Baz. How old are you?”

“I recently celebrated my thirty third birthday.”

“Why are you British?” Dean asked. “I mean, how did… you know.”

“My mother was… at boarding school, when they met. He convinced her not to abort me, such a shame, and to name me after an angel of the lord. Mother gave birth two days after returning to England, and she sent Gordon photos and the like for numerous years. He visited once, when I was approximately seven, though I cannot remember him well. I mostly view him as he was at the trial.”

“You were at the trial?”

“Yes, and I quite vividly remember Gabriel taking the stand and speaking of… your childhood. I assume you were a minor at the time, correct?”

“Seventeen.”

“Ah, yes, you would not have been allowed on trial. Who did they have? Michael, Uriel, Anna or Joanna or something, Gabriel, and I believe someone named Josiah.” Castiel froze at the mention if his sister’s name. “What is it?”

“My… sister. Anna.”

“Our sister, you mean.”

“No, she is my full sibling.”

“Oh. I… didn’t realize she was the sister to Gabriel. Is she here?”

“Yes,” was all Castiel said, pouring more scotch into his glass.

“Why are you here, Balthy?” Dean asked, blatantly ignoring the request of a specific nickname having been given.

“I am here because I wish to meet my father.” The room went dead quiet. Even Gabriel’s snoring was blessedly discontinued.

“I am unsure as to whether I heard you correctly,” Castiel retorted at long last.

“I would like to meet him. I saw his testimony at the trial, and once as a lad, but that was it. I would also like to meet any other siblings in the general area,” Balthazar stated. Castiel shook his head slowly.

“That is a very bad idea.”

“The youngest, how old is he now?”

“Three years. But meeting him is out of the question. He has had a relatively normal life, and his mother does not deserve to have these kinds of memories dragged up. Nor does my mother, for that matter,” Castiel told him coldly. Balthazar leaned forwards, clasping his hands together.

“Castiel, for twenty seven years of my life, everything was relatively normal. It was the day after my twenty seventh birthday that my mother was killed in a car accident. I was devastated, and decided that it was about time to find out who my father was. He had not revealed his true name to my mother, which is why we do not share a surname. Castiel, I found out who he was when I went on the Internet and saw his face in the ads. My mother had kept a picture from her youth, and he had not changed drastically in thirty years. I want to meet this man, and I want to hear from him why he did this. No lawyers, no bullshit. I want to meet my siblings. I want to know them, to understand them. I lived in the dark for thirty years, and I would now like to explore this side of my life,” Balthazar concluded, sitting back once more. Castiel rubbed his temples, and Dean placed a hand on his leg under the table. Gabriel snorted, sitting up and smashing his scotch bottle on the floor.

“Shit!” he yelled, seeming to have forgotten that the rest of the house was asleep. Gabriel jumped up, picking up the larger pieces of glass and tossing them in the trash.

“You could have donned some pants, brother,” Castiel commented, making a disgusted face at Gabriel’s Star Wars underwear. Dean snorted at the comment.

“Who is that?” Balthazar asked, pointing to the doorframe.

“Jimmy, can I have water?” Castiel heard from behind him, turning to see his cousin standing in the doorway, a hand rubbing her eyes as she held tightly onto a stuffed bear. The girl was thirteen years old, in the eighth grade, but she wouldn’t give up that bear without a fight.

“Of course. Here, come with me,” he said, standing and glaring pointedly at his newfound sibling, challenging him to say anything more.

“Hey kiddo!” Gabriel chimed in, ruffling Charlotte’s hair, who grumbled and pushed Gabriel’s bear paw of a hand away. “Love the slippers.” Charlotte blushed. Dean was barely containing his laughter at the gigantic unicorn heads that were turned into slippers on the girl’s feet. Castiel handed her a glass, which she sipped from before turning around. It was then that she saw Balthazar.

“Who the fuck is that?” she demanded, eyebrow cocked. Dean couldn’t contain himself. He smashed his face off the table as he fell on the ground laughing.

“Charlotte!” Castiel snapped. “Don’t you ever say words like that!”

“Well who is he?” she asked again, not letting this go.

“That is unimportant. Return to bed, and you will be told in the morning,” Castiel instructed, pointing out of the room.

“Ji- _im_ ,” she whined.

“No if, ands or buts! Sleep, now,” Castiel told her. She shuffled out of the room with her bear and water in hand, grumbling about respect and how all her friends were allowed to swear. “Dean, have you gained control of yourself?”

“Fuck me, that kid is great!” Dean gasped, sitting up and wiping tears from his eyes. Gabriel was grinning, Balthazar cracking a smile. Castiel settled tiredly into his chair. The mood was soon dark once more.

“Castiel, Gabriel, I truly do not wish to intrude in your life, but I need answers.” A heavy silence filled the room.

“I’ll take you to him two days after Christmas,” Castiel said softly.

“Castiel!” Gabriel snapped. “Are you out of your fucking mind?”

“He has a point, Gabriel. I… I too need answers. I need to know if he is simply crazy, or if… What if we had a purpose? What if we are brainwashed? Gabriel, I have so many questions that I need answers to, and… I cannot rest until I know them.”

“Cas, this is fucking nuts,” Dean chimed in, siding with Gabriel.

“I cannot send my own brother off to that hell hole alone,” Castiel told them.

“I’m going too, then.”

“Gabriel, no.”

“You aren’t going to stop me, Castiel.”

“While this is all fine and dandy, did you ever think that perhaps I wished this to be a solo voyage?” Balthazar interjected.

“Would you like to go by your lonesome, Baz?”

“Not particularly.”

“I’ll come too,” Dean commented.

“ _No_ ,” Castiel shot back immediately.

“And why the fuck not?”

“Because this is not your life, Dean. This is not of import to you.” Dean stood at Castiel’s words, pushing his chair in violently and stalking from the room. Gabriel gave him a sympathetic look.

“Trouble in paradise?” Balthazar asked. Castiel snapped his eyes up at him.

“It is none of my friend’s business as to what occurs with our father, and it is none of your business as to what occurs with my friend. Now that we have agreed to sell our fucking souls, can I interest you in a couch in the basement, Baz?” Castiel asked.

“I assumed you had more questions.”

“We do,” Gabriel started.

“But we are extremely tired, and I wish to lapse into blissful unconsciousness,” Castiel finished, standing up. Balthazar and Gabriel did the same. Gabriel nodded at his brothers, then headed upstairs. Castiel helped Balthazar move his luggage downstairs and grabbed him a blanket and pillow.

“Thank you,” Balthazar said earnestly.

“It is no problem.”

“No, Castiel. Thank you. For everything.” Castiel nodded sharply, turning on his heel and ascending the basement stairs, then those leading upstairs. When he reached his room, Dean was already asleep. Castiel shimmied onto the bed, snuggling next to the man, needing to feel his warmth, whether Dean was pissed off or not.

………..

_“God_ fucking _damn it, Castiel, you are such a worthless piece of shit! Look at this fucking mess! Jesus Christ, stop being such a little fag and clean all of this shit up! Fuck!” Gordon slammed the door, barely missing Castiel’s foot as it closed. Anna moved forwards, hugging her brother close._

_“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he blubbered, clutching at her back, tears staining her shoulder._

_“It’s okay, Cassie, mom will be home soon.”_

_“I’m sorry!” The door flew open and Gabriel was thrown onto the floor, shirt choking him when it got caught on the doorknob._

_“Why don’t you screw off, you old fuck!” Anna screamed, rising from the floor defiantly. She screamed when Gordon smacked her in the face, knees buckling as she landed in a heap, hand cradling her face. Castiel shuffled away, thumb in his mouth as he cowered in the corner. He closed his eyes, hands over his ears, listening as skin hit skin again and again._

_“You stupid_ fucking bitch _! You will learn to respect me, you worthless piece of shit! No fucking woman will ever speak to me like that! Learn your fucking place and shut the_ fuck _up!” Gordon roared. Castiel opened his blurry eyes to see Gabriel pulling at his father, but got an elbow to the stomach. Gordon stood again, giving a kick to the wall and ripping a bookshelf down, toppling glass figurines and novels all around a softly crying Anna. Gordon left the room with another slam of the door, not looking back at his children._

_That was when the screaming started._

_Loud, ear piercing screams. They rang around Castiel as he shifted in his seat, staring at the screen the lawyer had brought in. The woman just wouldn’t stop screaming, and Castiel couldn’t figure out why. Until. Until he saw the man walk onto the screen. He saw him, his father, tanned skin and dark hair. Eyes a vibrant blue. An older version of Castiel with darker skin. He looked back at the camera with a sick grin, punching the woman in the face._

_“I thought I told you to shut the fuck up, bitch!” The woman screamed as he snapped one of her fingers._

_“I’ll do whatever you want! Please!” she screamed. This wasn’t one of Gordon’s regular women. She would never bear his child. She would never go on and live her life with the baby. She was one among God knows how many that he tortured out of sheer joy. That would have been his mother, or Balthazar’s or Samandriel’s. But it wasn’t. The screen turned black._

_“That was one of the many tapes we found in Gordon Novak’s private collection,” the lawyer stated. Castiel couldn’t hear what she was saying. The screams were back, but they were deeper, masculine._

“Cas! Cas, open your eyes! Please, Cas, please!”

_A soft groan left him as the fist connected with his stomach. He went down hard, bruising his elbow as it connected with concrete._

_“Fucking devil spawn! That’s for what your daddy did to all those women! I bet you fucking liked it! I bet you helped!”_

_“No, please,” Castiel insisted, reaching a hand out. He felt a rib crack as he was kicked once more, someone else grabbing his head and slamming it into the ground._

“Wake up, wake up!” Castiel was screaming. His arms were thrashing, and as his eyes opened, he was greeted with a very concerned Dean shaking his shoulders. “Cas, calm down, calm down.” Dean grabbed his head, trying to end the screams. When Castiel finally regained control of himself, he flung his body at Dean’s, smashing their mouths together. He could taste blood, and knew that he had bitten Dean’s lip, but Dean wasn’t complaining, just pulling Castiel closer. Tears were on the blue eyed man’s face as he put all of conscious mind into kissing Dean, being close to Dean, forgetting his shitty childhood, his shitty life, his shitty situations. All he wanted was Dean’s breath intermixing with his own, Dean’s hands under his shirt, _Dean_. The door burst open loudly, scaring the pigs in their cage and Dean, but Castiel didn’t even notice, he just continued to shove his tongue down his boyfriend’s throat, thinking he could kiss away the pain. Dean gently turned his head, and Castiel stopped his plight, but wouldn’t move, clutching Dean close and curling into his form. He felt the bed dip, and familiar, soft hands lifting at his shirt to run their nails down his back. Castiel released Dean from his death grip and instead grabbed his mother close, burying his face in her hair, drinking in her familiar scent.

“I know, I know. I’m here, I’m here,” she insisted soothingly, moving her hands to trace his arms. Dean was sitting on the bed without any knowledge as to what to do in this situation. He decided to remain silent, letting Maria do what she could to calm her son.


	10. I hope God isn't watching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel enjoy their Christmas Eve with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to spend the day converting this into fluff, because let me tell you, motherfuckers, it's a bumpy ride from here.
> 
> So... I suppose this would be considered somewhat smut. Though I'm not sure. I don't particularly write that graphically, so it's kind of like... I don't know, describing the situation without ever mentioning abbreviations for male genitals? Fuck, I suck at this. Anyways! Enjoy this fluff-tastic chapter! The first in a long time with almost no pain and suffering!

Castiel awoke four hours later to sun on his back and an empty bed. Literally, empty. No blankets, no pillows, that book he was reading was gone; and so was Dean. Castiel sat up slowly, his neck aching and his eyes dry. How many times could one grown man sob himself to sleep? Castiel stood, holding on hand on the mattress and one on his back, stretching his muscles and hearing pops and cracks sounding around him. Looking at his clock, he saw that it was ten in the morning and that the rest of his family was most likely awake. Including Balthazar. At that thought, he stripped off his boxers (where had his pyjama pants gone?) and threw on a fresh pair, pulling on jeans and a random shirt. It was only when it was already on his torso that Castiel had an overwhelming scent of _Dean_ , and realized he was wearing the man’s Zeppelin shirt. Castiel shrugged, inhaling through his nostrils, feeling much warmer now. He pulled on a pair of socks, and was then startled when a very angry looking Hades squealed at him. Castiel bent to fill their food bowls, and felt a hand slap his ass as he did so. Standing abruptly, he turned to be angry with the person, but instead found himself enveloped in an embrace and with familiar lips crushing his own.

“You really need to brush your teeth,” Dean breathed into Castiel’s mouth. Castiel huffed a laugh, wrapping his arms around Dean’s back and sliding a hand up his shirt, forcing him closer.

“I thought you enjoyed the taste of stale alcohol on my breath,” Castiel murmured, moving his head to Dean’s shoulder before releasing him. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Dean asked softly, observing his shirt on Castiel’s chest with a lingering smile.

“For last night. I understand now that this problem will not go away. I… I feel as if a therapist would greatly help me.” Dean nodded curtly. “And that seeing my father would only set me back further. If… If Baz wishes to visit him, so be it, but I will not be attending.” Dean pulled Castiel close again, one hand planted firmly in his hair and the other tracing designs on his back. Castiel slid a hand to Dean’s jaw, moving his face gently and pressing their lips together once more. Dean was overly enthusiastic, moving them backwards until they got their feet tangled in blankets and landed on the floor, mouths still moving together as their hands wandered shamelessly. Dean was tugging at Castiel’s shirt when a loud cough interrupted them. Dean broke apart from Castiel with great difficulty, jumping up from the floor and facing the doorway.

“I think that mom installed a lock here for a reason, Cassie,” Gabriel said, eyebrows wagging as he looked from one man to the other. Castiel was blushing furiously as he stood, Dean grabbing his arm and helping him up. “While watching your little lovefest is quality family time, I do believe that Dean came up here for another reason.”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Dean said, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck. “Maria knows about Baz. She’s cool with it, but Anna really isn’t. And, uh, Phillip may or may not be back. With no one else. The creepy crew ran off to God knows where. Basically, it’s safe for you to come down.” Castiel nodded, more to himself than to Dean or Gabriel, and laced his fingers with Dean’s. Gabriel gagged, leaving the room with Castiel and Dean following behind. When they reached the stairs, it seemed like sheer chaos below. Balthazar was drinking some kind of alcohol with Kieran, Charlotte was chasing Lucas, Andrea was yelling at Lucas, Maria was chewing out Phillip, and Natalie was dragging a dog away from a table of food. Cocking an eyebrow at Dean, the two descended the flight of stairs and entered into the madness. Phillip shot Castiel a steely glance before turning back to his angered wife.

“Cassie, play with us!” Charlotte insisted, pulling on Castiel’s arm as Lucas ran towards Dean. Looking around, Castiel saw that Anna was nowhere to be seen. He didn’t dwell on the fact for long, as he had to focus on the mutiny that was his cousins. Dean was already making Lucas soar across the room, and Castiel felt himself being guided to the stairs to count while Gabriel and Charlotte ran off to find hiding places.

It was a beautiful chaos. Castiel really and truly hated Christmas, but even after the previous day’s occurrences, he could tell that today was going to be of his best Christmas Eve’s yet.

………..

Spending Christmas Eve before the fire was one of the most cliché things Castiel could imagine, but it felt oddly right at this time. Dean was snuggled up beside him with a cup of hot chocolate, Lucy resting against one leg and Maggie’s body thrown before the hearth. Lucas and Andrea had taken Castiel’s room for the night for some privacy while the two of them decided to sleep before the fire. It was quite the mood killer that Gabriel kept sneaking downstairs and throwing tiny hearts made from paper clippings at them, but neither Dean nor Castiel really gave half of a shit at this point. Dean was slightly tense due to the presence of the dogs, but he was handling it remarkably well. The cats had been kept downstairs with Balthazar, who had strangely enough taken a liking to the furry creatures. It was just the two of them, on the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring; not even a Gabriel. He seemed to have given up his plight.

Castiel twist himself in his seat beside Dean, looking back into the hallway from the living room, checking to see if Gabriel was sneaking a peak on the stairs. Seeing that the coast was clear, Castiel snuggled up next to Dean, throwing his arms around the man’s neck.

“Thank you for coming,” Castiel murmured. Dean chuckled. “Stop thinking of it like that.”

“Wasn’t thinking of it until you said it.” Castiel rolled his eyes. He pushed Dean down, pulling himself on top of the man.

“You’re ruining the moment.”

“It’s my specialty,” Dean grinned, the fire reflecting in his bright green eyes, giving them a yellow hue. “Wait, shit, what time is it?”

“Uh…” was all Castiel said, looking around him for a clock. Dean stood, gently moving Castiel away and dropping the blanket, pulling on his pants as he made his way to the kitchen. Castiel groaned. “You couldn’t have kept them on for five minutes?”

“You know you love it, Angel,” Dean called quietly from the kitchen as Castiel followed, readjusting his pyjama bottoms. The Zeppelin shirt was still hanging loosely on his torso as he made his way to the kitchen. Dean was flicking on the lights and looking at the clock. It was quarter past eleven. Dean chewed on his bottom lip, seeming lost in thought.

“Dean?” Castiel asked, moving to stand next to the man.

“Just wondering if I should call Sammy. Totally forgot after all this shit.”

“You should go ahead. It’s cheaper now anyways,” Castiel insisted.

“You sure?”

“Knowing sixteen year olds, he’s most likely awake right now,” Castiel said with a smile. Sam was at Bobby’s for the night, alone, much to Dean’s dislike, and would be heading over to Jessica’s in the morning. Dean nodded to himself and picked up the phone. Castiel stood next to him, listening to it ring.

“Hello?” an excited voice answered.

“Sammy? It’s Dean.”

“And Jim,” Castiel added, throwing a wink at Dean, who rolled his eyes. Castiel seemed to be picking up bad habits from him, and Dean wasn’t sure he knew how to feel about that.

“Oh, hey guys!” Sam said, voice crackling on the other line.

“You sound awful fucking chipper,” Dean commented.

“Yeah, well, my friend Zach is over,” Sam said quietly, saying it as if he hoped Dean wouldn’t hear.

“Who the fuck is Zach?” Dean demanded instantly.

“Just a friend, Dean, calm your shit.”

“It’s fucking Christmas Eve, where is his family?” Castiel was silent this whole time, feeling as if he was intruding on their lives, but he could hear from the phone even if he went into the dining room, so he might as well eavesdrop.

“Hold on,” Sam mumbled. Castiel heard shuffling footsteps and a door closing. “Look, man, Zach’s in a pretty bad place. His mom died six months ago, and his dad is already engaged to this other girl. He ran away from home and I told him he could crash at Bobby’s for Christmas.” Dean had a frown etched knot his face.

“That is very noble of you, Sam, but do the boy’s parents know of his whereabouts?” Castiel asked, breaking his silence.

“No,” Sam grumbled.

“What? Fuck, Sammy, do you want Bobby arrested for kidnapping?”

“Dean, I don’t expect you to understand, but please. He’ll be gone soon, off to a grandparent’s house. Just let me have this one night of fun. C’mon.” Dean ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

“Fine. Just don’t fuck up our lives. And Sam?”

“What?”

“Have a Merry Christmas, okay?” Dean could practically feel his brother’s grin over the phone.

“Love you too, Dean,” he said, and the line when dead. Dean hung the phone up and groaned, running his hands over his face.

“That kid is such a little shitstain,” Dean muttered, shaking his head. Castiel had a smile playing on his lips.

“He certainly knows how to pull at those heart strings,” Castiel commented as he left the kitchen, turning out the light and flitting back into the living room. He dove under the blanket, jostling a dog in the process, managing to stub his toe as well. Castiel grumbled a _fuck_ before ignoring the stinging sensation in his smallest toe. Dean shuffled back into the room, dropping his pants and sliding back in front of the fire. “Dean, pants are not going to kill you.”

“Maybe not, but they certainly provide you with one less thing to pull off before reaching the promised-land,” Dean said, wagging his eyebrows in a way that would make Gabriel tear up with pride. Castiel rolled his eyes. Dean chuckled, moving against Castiel and situating his body over top of Castiel’s lap, licking his lips as he looked Castiel up and down. The dark haired man could feel a faint blush growing across his body as Dean removed Castiel’s shirt, a shudder visible across his torso, though there was no chill to the air. Dean’s eyes showed hunger in them.

“May I remind you that we are in my mother’s living room with two dogs and the potential for numerous people to catch us in whatever act you have planned,” Castiel breathed, voice hitching as Dean placed delicate kisses down his jaw, neck, shoulder…

“And may I remind you that it’s Christmas Eve and I want my present early?” Dean growled, trailing his mouth down Castiel’s chest as his fingers played with the edges of the pyjamas Castiel had donned. Trying to control his body and breathing, Castiel pulled Dean’s face up, moving himself forwards and forcing Dean’s mouth open with his own. Dean moved one hand to grip Castiel’s arm, the other getting lost in his crazy mess of hair.

“You make me not care, Cas,” Dean said, breathe hot on Castiel’s own. “I want everyone to know we’re together when I’m with you. I want to be able to kiss you, to touch you, to… to care about you, openly.”

“So why don’t you?” Castiel breathed, opening his eyes to find Dean’s already staring.

“Because it isn’t safe. It should be, but it just isn’t. And, Cas, I need you to know that this… I can only go so far, right now. My dad, he can never know. Are you okay with that?” Dean asked. Castiel knew that this was a serious conversation. Castiel that his response would mean a lot to Dean. Yet, all Castiel could think of at this time was how badly he wanted those hideous boxers to be ripped from Dean’s body and thrown in the fire, his own sleepwear going right along with them so he could be with Dean how he had wanted to since the first day they met in that library, all those months ago. But he knew he needed to be clear headed when he gave his response, so he pushed those thoughts away. For now.

“I don’t care. I don’t care if I can only have you in private, in secret, in a fucking broom closet. Because all I want, is _you_ Castiel growled, smashing his lips against Dean’s with such fervor that a look of pure shock crossed the other’s face. Castiel pressed Dean down into the floor, stripping away Dean’s shirt and tossing it aside with his own. He heard a dog whine, but chose to ignore it, pressing his bare torso against Dean’s as the other clawed his hands down Castiel’s back, flipping him over and using one hand to cup his face while the other was dealing with pyjama pant strings. Nearly panting, Castiel’s hands were roaming across a surface of Dean they had only ever come close to touching in his subconscious. So long they had taken it slow, simple, carefully; but now, now Dean seemed to be a whole other entity, fast and efficient. Castiel was vaguely aware that his bare ass was currently on his mother’s living room floor, pants discarded to being around his ankles, and he was also vaguely aware of a retreating animal figure. What Castiel was fully aware of was that his hands were moving to slide off the thin membrane keeping Dean from being completely flush against Castiel. And when that obstacle was gone, Castiel could no longer contain the moan that ripped out of his mouth, Dean’s lips flush against the other man’s throat and Castiel’s head thrown back as they moved against each other on the floor. Dean hands were shameless in their search, and Castiel’s were clawing into Dean’s back. Both were so deprived of this skin to skin contact that they knew they would never last long together. Castiel was breathing heavily, incomprehensible words spilling from his lips as Dean nipped the flesh on his throat, hips moving rapidly, both of them completely unaware of their surroundings, only focused on the other as they connected eyes, Dean’s hands tracing and trailing as Castiel’s were gripping, pulling, sliding down Dean’s back. Both had a hitch to their breath, feeling so close to one another and to what they knew was coming so very soon.

A heart attack ensued before what both craved could.

Neither had heard the lurking figure approach during their lust filled session in the floor, and neither heard the figure clear his throat the first time. The second time, however, was much more audible, and Castiel found himself caught panting at his boyfriend’s lips while his half-brother got a full view of that same boyfriend’s ass. Dean’s body had stopped it’s pulsing movements, now frozen above Castiel’s own statue-like figure, as they tried to figure out whether they should move or just pretend that if they stayed like this Balthazar would leave.

“Are you two going to sit there ass to ankles, or are you going to show me where you keep the fucking glasses?” Balthazar demanded, holding a hand to his temple. Dean licked his lips and Castiel cleared his throat loudly, trying to hide the reddening tint that was creeping up on his body. Balthazar threw his arms in the air before stepping out of the room, giving the two whatever privacy they could muster to pull away from the other. Dean hastily grabbed his boxers, pulling them on while throwing Castiel his own pyjama pants.

“Damn, Balthy can put the snake back in its cage faster than anyone I’ve ever met,” Dean grumbled, standing and pulling Castiel up, who’s eyes were wild with lust as he looked at Dean, his own problem most definitely not going away.

-

“Look, man, just wait here and I’ll take care of him,” Dean said, sitting Castiel down, who seemed to be trying extremely hard to keep himself from wrenching onto Dean’s body and never letting go. Dean pushed away from his with a chaste kiss, hurrying back into the kitchen and getting Balthazar a glass at warp speed, ready to run back to Castiel as soon as the glass was set in front of the Brit.

“Dean?” He turned back, looking Balthazar up and down. “I suggest that the next time to try to have your way with my brother, you wait until you have a good solid door to fuck behind, otherwise you may wake up a good portion of the house with those inhumane wails.” Dean’s ear turned pink. He began to leave once more, but turned back.

“Look, Balthy, only Maria, Anna and Gabe know, and now you, but no one else can. Okay?”

“Dean. You’re secret truly is safe with me. Just, uh, don’t let me see your cheeks again unless they are on your face. You’re a handsome man, but I don’t need to see the whole package.” Dean snorted, turning on his heal and going back to the living room. Castiel was waiting for him, and seemed a slight bit calmer than before.

“I suppose that should be our wakeup call to not try and fornicate in an open living room,” Castiel grumbled, a slight smile tugging at his mouth. Dean let loose a short bark of laughter.

“Maybe we can pick up where we left off back home,” Dean suggested, moving to wrap Castiel under the blankets and press his lips into the other’s hair.

“I’d like that very much,” Castiel replied, turning to Dean and breathing deeply. Dean laid back with Castiel beside him. Now that some common sense had been returned to them, they knew they couldn’t just fuck on the floor and snuggle the night away. This was still a huge secret, and this wasn’t to be flaunted. While it went against Dean’s instinct, he pushed himself away from Castiel, forcing himself to turn away so that he wouldn’t be tempted to wrap the man in his arms- or more.

Dean felt Castiel’s fingers on his back. In that moment, he decided that this truly was the best Christmas he had had in years. Fuck, perhaps it was the best Christmas yet. All he wanted was for this one moment of happiness to last him a lifetime.


	11. Christmas Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas for Castiel and Dean! Or is it? What forgotten memories and well kept secrets will be revealed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be sweet, I fucking swear. Oh well. At least you had the last chapter!
> 
> I'm planning on four more chapters, and then I have to decide between keeping it in this fic and making a 'Part Two'. Let me know in the comments either now, or four chapters from now, on what your opinion is! Please ignore me if I decide to just do my own thing, haha!
> 
> Thank you again and again to everyone who has kept up with this and commented and given Kudos! You guys are great! 
> 
> !WARNING! Extreme homophobia, violence towards characters, past torture to main characters, violence to douchebags.

Castiel was never really a fan of waking up before nine in the morning, so having two young children pounce on him before dawn was most definitely a mood killer. Charlotte went for him, while Lucas preferred to forcefully open Dean’s eyes, who immediately threw the boy off of him, causing him to land with a _thud_.

“What? What?” Dean yelled, sitting up quickly. “Oh, shit, Lucas, you okay?” Dean scrambled from under the blanket, adjusting his boxers and scooping the silently crying boy into his arms. “Fuck, don’t sneak up on a guy like that!” Charlotte had gone quiet as she and Castiel watched Dean with Lucas, who had quieted and was now gesturing to the parlour.

“Not until your mother is awake,” Castiel insisted. Charlotte rolled her eyes.

“Ji- _im_ ,” she whined.

“Stop that, you can wait,” Castiel told her, trying not to smile at the pathetic face she pulled. Charlotte snuggled up next to Castiel, who was leaning on Dean, who had Lucas wrapped up in his arms and was attempting to tickle a laugh out of the boy. The three of them heard the sound of footsteps ascending a staircase, and soon Balthazar emerged, looking dead tired and irritable, a big black dog at his side.

“I don’t appreciate being awoken at the buttcrack of dawn,” he grumbled, sliding onto the couch above Castiel, rubbing his hands over his eyes and yawning, Lucy and Maggie panting behind him. Dean froze when the large dogs strolled in, but managed to contain his fear long enough to focus on the people around him rather than the animals. Castiel laced their fingers together in support of Dean, showing him there was nothing to fear. More footsteps came on the stairs, and Maria entered. She smiled at her son and sat down next to Balthazar, ruffling Lucas’ hair. He pushed her hand away, rolling his eyes.

“Where’s the fire?” Natalie asked, bustling down the stairs with a grumbling Gabriel trailing her, yawning loudly. Anna was behind him, and about five minutes later Kieran appeared with Andrea. They stood awkwardly in the room until Maria clapped her hands.

“Okay! Should we open presents?” The younger kids got up and nearly sprinted to the parlour, Charlotte shrieking in joy, and Gabriel following her example. Anna chuckled at her brother, choosing to stay behind while everyone else went in. Everyone but Castiel, who was ushering Dean ahead of him.

“Anything you want to share?” Castiel asked casually, standing beside her with his arms crossed and watching the carnage upon Christmas stockings unfold before him. Anna shrugged.

“Not really,” she said, picking at a loose thread on her pyjama shirt, which was stretched rather far.

“Are you sure?”

“Six months,” Anna mumbled absently, not looking at Castiel. “I have three months to decide… if it’s going for adoption, or staying with me.” Castiel met her gaze, concern evident on his face. He saw Maria gesturing for him to come into the parlour, but she stopped when she saw his expression.

“Adoption?”

“Yeah. Jim, I can’t look after a baby. I can barely look after myself.”

“Does mom know?”

“It isn’t her decision.”

“This affects all of us, Anna.”

“No, it doesn’t. You think it does, but you have no idea. You want to keep it for the sake of family, to show something good coming out of our fucked up lives, but you don’t _get it_. I’m not mothering material, I’m too fucked up in the head. You want a baby to laugh and play with once a month, but you won’t have to raise it or clothe it or feed it or sacrifice your life for it,” Anna said, growing angry. “You won’t have to look at it and be reminded every day if what that man did-” She stopped midsentence, tears in her eyes. Castiel’s eyes widened. He moved forwards before she could protest, putting his arms around her and holding her close. She was shaking, her arms gripping Castiel like he was the only thing holding her to the earth. “I shouldn’t have said that, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t you ever apologize,” Castiel whispered fiercely, looking into her eyes. “Never. You do whatever you need to, and I will always back you up. I will always be there. Do you understand?” She nodded weakly, a watery smile coming to her lips. Castiel pulled her back into an embrace before moving away and guiding her in to see the family in the parlour, everyone huddled around the big Christmas tree, having been decorated by Anna and Maria before the family arrived. Anna settled onto a chair, and Castiel chose to sit beside Dean, both somehow fitting on a loveseat that was just to the left of the tree. Charlotte had gotten some sweets in her stocking along with a bow, and Lucas had received a Star Wars action figure, which Dean grumbled at, saying ‘Vader is, like, a hundred times better than Obi Wan’ under his breath. Castiel was tossed his stocking by Gabriel, and found a small paperback copy of ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird’ and ‘Lord of the Flies’ inside.

“I feel like I’m back in high school,” Castiel mumbled, smiling up at his mother. Only the ‘kids’ got stockings this year, and Castiel was glad, because of his Phillip’s family had been included, it would have been seven kinds of awkward.

“And how about some presents?” Maria asked, digging under the tree. It seemed like everyone had gotten everyone something except for Castiel and Dean, who hadn’t had the time or money to buy anything.

“I feel awful, you needn’t have purchased gifts for me,” Castiel grumbled, begrudgingly accepting the parcels from his family members. Within ten minutes, wrapping paper was flying and everyone was smiling. Castiel had received numerous pencils and a textbook for one of his classes, along with a few pairs of socks. After all of the toys were strewn about, Maria reached behind the couch and pulled out a blue packaged present, sliding it towards Dean, who looked thoroughly surprised.

“Th-thank you,” he stammered, staring in awe. Castiel’s heart felt broken at the realization that this may have been the first present Dean had received in quite a few years. Dean gently tore at the paper, and all eyes were on him as he pulled out a shirt that read ‘Black Sabbath’ across the chest. He looked from the shirt to Maria and back, grinning like an idiot. “It’s perfect!” Dean shrugged out of the plain black tee he was wearing and quickly draped the new shirt over top.

“How did you-?” Castiel began.

“When I called you at some point after the accident, Black Sabbath was in the background and you told Dean to shut it off. Let’s just say that a mother knows,” Maria said with a wink. Castiel arched an eyebrow.

“You like Black Sabbath?” Dean asked, impressed.

“I had my teenage years too, Dean,” she chuckled. Dean looked over at Castiel with an amused expression, who shrugged in response.

“Where did you manage to find it?” he asked. She smiled lightly.

“It was an old boyfriend’s. I found it a few years back, much too large for me, but something told me to keep it.” Gabriel gagged.

“No speak of ex-lovers in here!” he insisted loudly, shoving Charlotte when she tried to put a Barbie in her face. Castiel rolled his eyes. His brother may have been older than him, but Castiel was definitely the adult in the situation. His eyes slid over to Balthazar, who was watching the group in silence, no presents in his lap, looking quite out of place.

“For fuck’s sake, Gabriel!” Dean yelled when the older man whipped a tennis ball that belonged to one of the dogs at his head. Dean dodged it, lobbing a large wad of wrapping paper. Soon, everyone in the family except for Balthazar was in an all-out war, Anna and Kieran included. Balthazar stood, leaving the room quietly. Castiel left his position from behind the couch, lightly touching Dean’s shoulder before covering his head and running from the room after his half-brother. He found Balthazar heading out the front door, shrugging on a jacket. Castiel grabbed his own, following him out.

“Going somewhere?” Castiel asked. Balthazar pulled a package of cigarettes out of his breast pocket, taking one in his mouth before offering one to Castiel. “I don’t smoke.” Balthazar chuckled.

“Nor do I.” He inhaled deeply, blowing the smoke from his nose a moment later.

“Then why torture your lungs?”

“Some days it just feels necessary.” Castiel nodded, though he wasn’t very sure that he understood.

“Why don’t you come back inside?”

“It’s just… too much. I am invading your family, and do not have the right to do so. I feel… awkward.”

“We all do, especially myself.”

“Because of Dean?”

“Because of what the majority of my family would do if they knew about Dean.”

“I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas.”

“You didn’t.”

“I’m only here to meet our father, not a very justifiable reason to visit.” Castiel shook his head.

“I know that it may seem strange, to be around complete strangers, but I am very happy to have met you, Baz. Truly.” Balthazar smiled.

“And I you… Jim. Even though this was not a social visit, I do feel very glad to have met you all.”

“Perhaps you could join us for Thanksgiving next year.”

“That’s the one with the pilgrims and turkey, no?” Castiel chuckled.

“Yes, that would be an accurate description.” There was a whine at the door, and Castiel opened it, Maggie and Lucy flying past him down the stairs. “Baz?”

“Hm?”

“Do you have any other family? On your mother’s side?”

“My grandparents died when I was a teenager… I believe there is an aunt, but she is elderly and I have never met her. I… I _had_ a sister, a half-sister, but she… was killed.” Castiel placed a hand on his shoulder, remaining silent. If there was anything Castiel knew, it was that no one who was still grieving was looking for an apology.

“I understand your pain. Before I was born there were three other children… they all passed.” Balthazar nodded.

“It is quite unfortunate, how the world works.” Balthazar took the cigarette from his mouth and crushed it on the porch. He picked it up, sliding it into his pocket. “I’m sure your mother wouldn’t appreciate the litter.” Castiel nodded. “How did you meet Dean?” Balthazar was looking out at the yard, the two dogs romping around. His question caught Castiel off guard, but he was soon laughing at the memory.

“My friend Charlie and I were at the library. A small note of paper fell out of one of my rented books with a phone number attached. Charlie insisted it was a gentleman named Dean, and that she had heard it rumoured he… did not like the company of women. My roommate, Garth, said one Dean Winchester had been caught in the bed of one of our dorm mates, and it turned out it was my Dean when I called the number. We met up at the library, and… the rest is history.” Balthazar was smiling fondly at Castiel.

“I’m very glad that you can be happy with him.”

“Me too. It’s nice to know that you accept us as we are, Bal- Baz.” He nodded.

“I know how it feels to be rejected once something intimate is revealed about you. Many of my friends left my side when it was revealed that Novak was my father.”

“I generally kept it a secret. No one really knew me anyways.” Before Balthazar could reply, the front door swung open, a very sullen Phillip staring at the two of them.

“Your mother is looking for you,” he spat, closing the door loudly behind him. Castiel flinched.

“I take it you dislike that man.”

“Dislike is an understatement. I will never know what my mother sees in him. He’s a disgusting piece of trash,” Castiel ground out, whistling for the dogs. He entered the house with the large animals behind him, Balthazar following. They must have been out there a good ten minutes. Dean was counting on the stairs with Charlotte, Lucas, Anna and Gabriel running in different directions. Charlotte grabbed his hand and he looked back at Balthazar, who waved a goodbye before turning into the living room. Charlotte dragged him to the stairs leading to the basement, shutting the door before the cats could escape, and she took him down into the cellar. He froze outside the door. Flashes sparked in his mind. Thoughts of his shirt being ripped off, his body ground against a wall, the skin on his chest being scraped off, blood staining parts of the cement. His head back had blood coming from it where a knife intersected his shoulder blades, leaving two scars that had faded in the past fourteen years, but were still there. A shudder ripped through his body.

“Jimmy? Jimmy, come on!” Charlotte insisted, dragging him in by his sweaty hand and closing the door behind them. The light was off, and he leaned against the wall, pulling Charlotte down with him and embracing her, arms wrapped around her slender form, slow breaths slipping through his mouth while his eyes remained closed.

“I’m fine. We’re fine,” he insisted.

“I _know_ , Jimmy! This is the best place!” she whispered back. He chuckled lightly, but the sound didn’t last, choked out by a sharp pain in his stomach, another lost memory returning with full force. His father punching him in the gut, again and again. No matter what anyone did, whether it was Castiel or Gabriel or Anna, his father always took it out on him because he was the smallest. And then he would feign caring to his mother, insisting _he_ bathe Castiel and _he_ dressed Castiel. Now, Castiel knew that his family was a cover, a way to keep the police from catching on. They were a thirteen year experiment, ending when Gordon officially disappeared off the map.

“Charlotte?” he asked breathlessly.

“What is it?” she questioned, sensing the urgency in his tone.

“Just get Dean or Aunt Maria. Whoever’s closest,” he gasped out. She struggled out of his grip, opening the door and leaving it as so, Castiel hearing her footsteps on the stairs.

_Deep breaths. He’s not here. He can’t hurt you. Deep breaths._

Soon there was a pounding on the stairs, and Dean burst into the cellar, kneeling down to take Castiel’s face in his hands. Castiel opened his eyes, ready to push whoever it was away, before realizing it was Dean and pulling him into a tight embrace. Dean pulled Castiel up, taking all of his weight onto his own body. Dean gently led Castiel out, closing the door and sitting him down on the couch. Charlotte was watching from the bottom of the stairs.

“What happened?” Dean asked, pushing Castiel’s hair out of his eyes.

“Just… I forgot. I haven’t been in there, and… I forgot. But I remember now. And it’s too late. And I’m breathing,” he replied, forcing the words out in choppy sentences.

“Are you going to be okay?” he asked, green meeting blue. Castiel shook his head.

“Just need a minute,” he said, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the back of the sofa.

“Charlotte?” Dean called.

“What?”

“Go upstairs, you can take over for me, find the others. Go, go, go!” Dean insisted, standing from the couch. Castiel heard footsteps going up the stairs, the door closing, and more footsteps, then Dean’s body pressing against Castiel’s side. He trailed his fingers down his arm, murmuring softly. Castiel opened his eyes hesitantly, flicking them over to Dean’s face.

“You don’t need to stay.” Dean snorted.

“We’re family, Cas. I’ll be here whenever you need me,” Dean insisted. Castiel let a small smile show on his face before closing his eyes again. Dean leaned over his body, gently placing a kiss on his lips, hand still making small patterns on his arm. Castiel moved a hand to Dean’s back, gently placing his fingers over the cotton. Dean pulled away, sitting next to Castiel with his arm around his shoulders, giving a hearty squeeze.

“We should go back up.”

“It just breaking seven now… I think the Christmas hype has died down, Kieran was going back to bed from what I saw, and Maria was starting on breakfast. No one will miss us,” Dean insisted, fingers sliding from Castiel’s arm to his pyjama bottoms. Castiel squirmed away.

“Even if people are distracted, it doesn’t mean we should fuck on the couch,” Castiel chuckled, once again opening his eyes, meeting Dean’s gaze and leaning in, pressing a long kiss on his lips, eventually being forced to break apart to breath. Dean sneezed loudly and Castiel couldn’t contain his laughter. Eve jumped up, Leviathan not far behind her. Where Cain and Abel were, Castiel hadn’t a clue, but he assumed they were trying to kill each other in some back room in the basement. Castiel grabbed Eve close, snuggling her to his face while Dean moved away, sneezing over and over again. Castiel put the cat down, taking Dean’s arm and leading him out of the cat infested basement. They headed upstairs, where Dean muttered something about taking a piss and Castiel went into his room to change out of his pyjamas and into a pair of black jeans and a light green t shirt, trying to make an attempt at getting into the Christmas spirit. Dean came in and whistled lowly while Castiel was shrugging the shirt on. The man blushed, turning to face Dean so his back wasn’t visible and throwing the shirt on in a hurry.

Castiel always hid his torso well. While the scars were all somewhat faded, if anyone took too close of a look it was quite obvious that they were there, especially the ones on his shoulder blades. He and Dean had mostly been shirtless in the dark, so he needn’t worry about Dean seeing them, but whenever he was asked to the beach he either wore a swim shirt or made sure his back wasn’t visible. It was a shitty system, but it kind of worked.

Dean made his way over to Castiel, wrapping his arms around the shorter man’s waist and drinking in his scent. Dean let go, shrugging off his jeans from the day before, Castiel turning away with a blush while Dean switched out his boxers.

“After last night you’re seriously turning away?” Dean chuckled. Castiel turned back, pulling Dean’s shirt over his head and moving their mouths together when it was off. Dean pulled him close, his body heat radiating onto Castiel’s skin through his shirt. Dean yanked himself away quickly, picking up the discarded Black Sabbath shirt and placing it over his head once more, giving Castiel a sly grin as he slipped out the door. Castiel rolled his eyes, leaving the room with a farewell to his pets and following Dean down the stairs. The kids were playing with their toys (Gabriel included) and the rest of the family was drifting about as well. Dean snuck a kiss to Castiel’s cheek before jumping down the stairs, successfully scaring the shit out of Lucas. Castiel had to hold back his laugh.

……….

The day was full of laughter and cheer, as well as Gabriel incessant whining about how it wasn’t fair that he didn’t get to lick the spoon because the younger kids were given them. Every time, Lucas would stick his tongue out and give Gabriel a wicked grin. Castiel could tell that Dean really liked the kid. Mostly, the family stayed in the living room, watching god awful Christmas movies while piled up on the couch. It usually had Anna in an armchair with her feet proper up, Andrea and Lucas snuggled in the one opposite it, Kieran, Natalie, Charlotte and Maria somehow fitting on the couch, while Dean, Castiel and Balthazar got the honour of sharing the floor with the dogs. Phillip would pull in a chair from the dining room and sit apart from the group, still pissed about the whole fiasco and that his own side of the family was gone. Castiel didn’t know if Andrea would be returning to live with Azazel, but he hoped to God she grew a brain and stayed far, far away from him.

Every once in a while, Maria would have to force her way out of the pile of people to check on dinner, being sure to give Gabriel updates on the turkey, and after what had evidentially been hours of shitty reruns, she announced that dinner was right on time; specifically, five in the evening. Everyone got out of their designated sitting areas and made their way to the dining room, the kids (including Gabriel, Dean, Castiel and Balthazar) sitting at the very end of the table on benches, while Anna got the glory of being up with the adults. Maria and Castiel brought out the food, Gabriel barely containing his drool at the sight of it all, and they sat down, Maria asking everyone to take hands and pray. Dean coughed put a laugh, but with an angry foot stomp from Castiel, he got the message that Maria was serious about this. Dean, grumbling, closed his eyes and took the hands of Castiel and Balthazar.

“Lord in Heaven, we thank you for this bountiful meal. Gabriel, I will ruin this Christmas if you don’t put down that fu- that roll, young man. As I was saying. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for this meal, and for the introduction to two very special people in our lives. Please allow us to all meet together again in the years to come, and for good health to fall upon our family, whether they are born or not. Amen.” Numerous ‘Amens’ rang out around the table, but Dean refused to say the word. Castiel rolled his eyes, realizing it was a pretty useless plight and that Dean was going to be who Dean was going to be. The food started to move around, and within ten minutes everyone was eating and laughing and having an overall good time.

“It’s kicking,” Anna whispered. Everyone’s heads shot towards her. She had her hand out on her stomach, a smile lighting up her face. Charlotte and Lucas immediately rose out of their seats, running over to place their hands eagerly on Anna’s midsection. They shrieked and pulled away when the baby kicked before moving back to their chairs. She looked directly as Castiel, who was diagonal to her. He shook his head. Maria, on the other hand, rose from the head of the table to feel her grandchild kicking for the first time. Proud and joy overcame her face before she sat back down. Anna looked contempt, but Castiel knew that one kick at Christmas wouldn’t be enough to convince her to keep the child.

Things quieted down. For about two minutes. Castiel looked over to see Gabriel snickering and Balthazar glaring suspiciously. Castiel raised an eyebrow, eyes searching his brother for some kind of concealed weapon. Dean elbow him in the ribs, pointing two fingers at his eyes and then one at Gabriel’s left hand, which was in his lap. Castiel nodded.

“Gabriel?” he asked. His brother snapped his head towards him.

“Yes, Cassie dearest?”

“Would you pass me the butter?” he asked. Gabriel blanched. The butter was missing from the table. Castiel could guess easily enough where it was.

“Why of course.” Gabriel pulled out his concealed hand and whipped some butter at Castiel, which splattered all over his face and shirts, droplets getting onto Dean as well. Dead silence filled the room. Surprisingly enough, it was Balthazar that ended it, falling out of his chair in hysterics, tears in his eyes as he laughed. Dean and Gabriel quickly followed, and soon the entirety of the table was in a fit of incontrollable laughter, everyone giggling and wiping away tears of joy, Anna having to gasp for breath at one point.

“Enough, enough!” Maria gasped, looking at her children with her eyes crinkled at the sides. Soon, the room was quiet. Well, quieter, as least, with snickers still ringing out, and a more neutral conversation going on. Castiel was cleaning the butter off of his face with his napkin and not even trying with the shirt. He moved one hand to his lap, putting it on Dean’s leg. Dean jumped beside him and Balthazar rolled his eyes, making a noise of disgust. Gabriel cocked an eyebrow, shrugged, and went back to his dinner.

“Jimmy?” Charlotte asked, cranberry sauce dripping from her chin. Castiel chuckled, reaching across the table and wiping it from her face with a napkin. She rolled her eyes.

“What is it?” he asked, amusement in his eyes. He didn’t care how much she aged, the kid was always going to be a little girl to him.

“How long have you been dating Dean?” Dean froze with his fork in midair. All of the conversation around them stopped. It was like a still picture on the room. All of the colour left Castiel’s face and his eyes were wide.

“Charlotte! Why would you ever ask that?” Natalie asked sharply, though there was a slight edge of fear in her voice. “You can’t just say things like that, it isn’t right. They aren’t dating, sweetie.”

“Yes they are, they kissed in the basement!” she insisted stubbornly. Castiel’s heart dropped, vomit rising in the back of his throat. Dean fork dropped and Gabriel stood, looking directly at Phillip.

“Jim?” Natalie asked hoarsely. Castiel swallowed, opening his mouth, but nothing came up. Lucas looked curiously at the two. Castiel was shaking. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Castiel!” Natalie snapped. He turned towards his aunt. “Is she lying?” Castiel tried once more to answer, but couldn’t find the words.

“I’m not!” Charlotte replied. Why. Why? Why? Why couldn’t she have kept her mouth shut? Why couldn’t they have a squeaky basement door? Why? Castiel knew it was stupid to blame the child, she had no clue that what she brought up was heinous to so many people.

“No,” Dean said, an icy glare being shot towards Natalie.

“Excuse me?” Natalie asked.

“She’s not lying,” Dean hissed out. He turned to the preteen. “Yeah, kid, we’re dating.” Phillip stood, anger and disgust displayed openly on his face. Gabriel didn’t wait a second longer, moving quickly to grab Phillip by his collar and drag him from the room. Balthazar stood as well, quietly escaping the room before the shit truly hit the fan. Castiel was still frozen, but Dean was gripping his hand tightly, keeping him grounded in the room. Natalie stood, and Castiel expected a slap, a punch, screams of the word ‘Fag’, anything violent or angry. She hauled her nephew out of his seat and wrapped her arms around him. Castiel froze again, arms stuck to his side. Natalie hugged Castiel tightly, tears falling from her eyes onto his ruined shirt.

“I don’t understand,” he whispered.

“Neither do I. Why wouldn’t you tell us?” Natalie mumbled.

“I just couldn’t.” Maria stood, moving to lightly touch her sister’s shoulder. Natalie moved away, laughing and wiping her eyes, sniffling. Kieran stood. He walked towards Castiel and stuck out his hand.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, kid,” he said gruffly, a strange smile on his face. Castiel accepted the hand, pulling his uncle into an embrace. Andrea looked at Castiel with a tight smile. He could tell that the woman didn’t approve, but that there was no way she would ever care for Castiel less just because of what did and didn’t do in the bedroom.

“I’m guessing you knew, Maria,” Natalie asked, taking her seat again and wiping her eyes. Maria nodded.

“Gabriel and I also knew,” Anna said softly.

“And Balthazar,” Castiel said mechanically, sitting down again. Charlotte looked confused.

“Mom, why are you crying? It’s not like they’re breaking up.” A burst of laughter left Dean. Nervous, frightened laughter. Uncontrollable, it seemed.

“How is this even fucking possible?” Dean asked, looking around the table. “How are you all okay with this?”

“He’s family,” Kieran insisted. “And now, so are you.” Dean shook his head.

“We would’ve been shot dead if this was my family,” Dean muttered.

“Well, your family is full of a bunch of dense motherfuckers, isn’t it?” Kieran retorted. Dean shook his head.

“You have no idea.”

“While this is lovely, I do have to insist on language, since there is a five year old just down there,” Maria said. Dean laughed again, though it was still humourless. There was a shout, and the sound of someone hitting someone. Gabriel emerged with Phillip in his grip, dragging the man from the dining room and practically throwing him into the hallway. Gabriel had blood dripping from his nose and a look of dead determination in his eyes. Kieran and Dean both rose, grabbing Gabriel’s arms and holding him back, pulling him back into the dining room.

“You fucking cock lover!” Phillip screamed. Andrea immediately stood, rushing the two younger children out of the room, taking them into the kitchen as fast as she could. Everyone else was on their feet.

“Fuck you! Fuck you and your fucking family, you sick _fuck_!” Gabriel screamed, pulling against Dean and Kieran. Castiel moved in front of him, helping them hold his brother back. Phillip saw that as his chance, moving in to grab Castiel’s shirt and drag him towards the wall, hands on his throat. Maria screamed, running forwards, but Balthazar was there first, wrenching Phillip off of Castiel and throwing him into a wall, a picture crashing down. Dean made a move to help Balthazar, but now Gabriel had seemed to have come to his sense, grabbing Dean when he made a move forwards.

“Castiel!” Maria said, running towards her youngest, who was shaking in rage. Balthazar landed a kick square in Phillip’s gut. He couldn’t seem to stop. He dropped to the ground, punching Phillip again and again, knuckles bruised. Castiel moved forwards to get him off, pulling Balthazar back, who was yelling incomprehensible things at Phillip.

“You think you can just go and attack someone? What makes it right? Who gave _you_ the right? _Who gave you the fucking right_?” Balthazar screamed. Phillip groaned, sitting up and spitting blood onto the floor, glaring at Maria, Natalie gripping the woman’s arm, the dogs barking in all of the confusion, Dean finally shrugging off Gabriel and Kieran.

“What, you all just go and support this little fucker sucking dick now? Fuck me, you’re all just fucking crazy! His daddy was right! Little faggot of the family! Fucking pussy, that’s what he is! He’s going to hell, and he’s going to fucking burn, and I bet he’ll fucking enjoy! Fucking sadist, that’s what you are, you fucking disgusting piece of shit!” Phillips yelled, managing to sit up, eyes boring into Castiel’s, who was using every ounce of self-control he had to not kick in Phillip’s fucking teeth. Dean, it seemed, had less control. He moved forwards, grabbing Phillip’s throat and wrenching him up from the ground, eyes deadened as he moved his hand to grab the sputtering man’s t shirt, hauling him to the front hall and using all of his strength to send the man tripping into the snow, the dogs growling in the doorway beside Dean.

“Get the fuck away from here, or I swear to fucking Christ, my hands smashing your face in will be the last thing you see!” Dean screamed, slamming the door. Everyone was staring at him. Phillip was retreating, it seemed, but Dean had waves of anger rolling off of him, the scent of it nearly palpable in the air, his very breathing seeming to be wrapped in the anger of the situation.

“Dean?” Castiel whispered softly, tentatively crossing the floor and placing a hand on his arm. Dean snapped his head towards Castiel and all of the anger seemed to leak out of his body.

“So much for a merry fucking Christmas,” Kieran grumbled, pulling his flask out from his jacket and taking a swig.

………

The next morning, Castiel and Dean left after breakfast. They left at the same time that Gabriel did, who was reluctantly taking Balthazar to fulfill his mission in coming here; visiting their father. Castiel shuddered at the thought, thinking back to when he had agreed to go, thanking God he had realized his mistake and backed out. While he would have definitely enjoyed meeting some of his younger siblings, he just wasn’t ready for that kind of reunion. The Christmas had sucked dick. There were good parts, extremely good parts, but on the whole, it was just terrible, and Castiel couldn’t remain with his family any longer. Not only was he mentally and physically exhausted, being back in that house was causing him serious issues, memories he had locked away flooding back, and feeling as if his safety was about to be violated at every second.

It was just too much. Castiel couldn’t do it anymore. He just needed to escape, so he bid his family and pets a farewell before packing up the Impala with Dean and driving away from the house.

“You okay?” Dean asked softly once the house was out of view. Castiel let out a loud breath.

“As soon as you fuck this memory out of my brain, I’ll be just fine,” Castiel replied, a sly grin spreading across his face. Dean choked on the gum he was chewing, a snort of a laugh exiting his throat.

“Jesus, Cas, control yourself!” he insisted with a grin.

“Where to?” Castiel asked.

“Your house, I thought?”

“I’m not sure I want to be there… too many people.” Castiel said, wincing at the thought of George and all of the kids who would be overjoyed about their Christmas holidays.

“My dad fucks off for Christmas every year if you want to come back to my house,” Dean told him. Castiel snorted.

“Last time I went to your house, I was sleeping, and I nearly got my head bitten off by your father,” Castiel replied. Dean chuckled.

“Yeah, but this time, you’ll be awake. And my dad really will be gone, Cas. He usually drives out of state to go and see Adam. Fuck knows why he loves the kid more than us, but he just does, leaves Boxing Day every year, gets kicked out by the kid’s mom, and shows back up on New Year’s.” Castiel nodded.

“Sure, your house would be good.” Dean smiled, focusing on the icy road.

Castiel allowed himself to relax in his seat. He was fine. He was alive. No one was going to hurt him.

As long as Dean was here, Castiel was fine. As long as Dean was here, Castiel was fine.


	12. The Day The Earth Stood Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel arrive at Dean's house, warming up on the couch when Sam shows up home early, definitely having had a good time with Jess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank each and every one of you sincerely for reading this and sticking through it with me for an entire twelve chapters. I also want to mention that I felt shame, guilt, and extreme sadness over writing this chapter, but it's too late now.
> 
> Warning!
> 
> Talk of self hatred, possibly implied as suicidal. Homophobic slurs. Bashing mental illness.

Castiel was fidgeting in his seat. It had been an hour and a half, and Dean said that they were just around the corner from his house. Castiel breathed in and out, hoping to God he didn’t live in a redbrick house. Castiel closed his eyes, not wanting to look in fear that he had had some kind of psychic premonition. When the car stopped, Castiel peeked out from behind his lids, releasing a loud breath of air. The house was one story, but it was completely different, white siding lining the entire thing and a lovely white door waiting for Dean to unlock. The driveway had about a half foot of snow on it, but seemed to be paved when Castiel got out of the vehicle, his breath steaming around him. Dean closed his door with what was becoming a familiar creak, shuffling over to grab Castiel’s arm and pull him towards the house.

“Is it anything like your dream?” Dean asked, fumbling to put the key in the lock. Castiel shook his head, teeth chattering.

“The one in the dream was redbrick,” he mumbled, blowing warm air onto his fingers. Dean thumped against the door, managing to open it at long last, dragging Castiel in. Dean toed off his boots and removed his jacket, throwing it over a chair. Castiel stripped of his boots, toque, scarf and mitts, still shivering and cold. Dean took his hand, leading him through a short hallway and ending up in a small living room. Dean told Castiel to sit on the couch while he grabbed a blanket. Looking around, Castiel saw pictures that were recent and old. There was one of Dean and Sam and a gruff looking man holding a gun, a dead deer behind them. There was one of that same gruff man, but clean shaven and smiling, holding his arm around a smiling woman who was holding a baby. Dean, Castiel guessed. Another of the woman carrying a toddler in her arms, obviously laughing. There were graduation pictures and Dean at the prom. Finally, seeming like it was hidden, there was a woman holding a baby close to her chest while that same man sat next to her, Dean on his shoulders. Castiel felt his chest tighten. These were Dean’s parents. This was Dean’s life. That was his drunk father and his dead mother. Castiel tore his eyes away to find Dean looking at him with sadness.

“She was really great,” Dean told him softly. He left it at that, tearing longing eyes away from the wall of pictures and moving over to Castiel, draping a fresh-smelling comforter over his shoulders.

“Thank you,” Castiel mumbled, snuggling into the blanket and trying to get feeling back into his toes. Dean sat down, opening up the blanket and nestling himself in next to Castiel before positioning it around both of them. Dean moved his arm around the other man’s man, placing a gentle kiss to his temple.

“This is nice,” Dean sighed, inhaling deeply and letting out a low breath. Castiel raised his hand, stifling a yawn. “Did you even get any sleep last night?”

“Barely,” Castiel admitted, keeping his eyes on the floor. All he could wonder the night before was ‘Will Phillip return with Azazel? Who will they hurt?’ He knew in the morning that he needed to leave. Kieran and Gabriel, hell, maybe even Balthazar, would keep his mother safe. They had decided not to call the police unless Phillip showed up again, which Castiel doubted that he would. Even though Phillip was older and taller than Dean, the twenty year old looked like he killed for a living when he threw Phillip out. Even Castiel had felt intimidated.

“Sorry, what?” Castiel asked with another yawn, having completely missed whatever Dean had asked or said.

“I was just telling you to get some sleep. For good reason, apparently,” Dean chuckled. Castiel let a small smile slip onto his face. He nestled in next to Dean, wrapping his arms around his midsection and placing their lips together for a fleeting moment. Dean broke them apart, kissing Castiel on the forehead. “Sleep. I’ll be here.” Castiel nodded, eyelids already growing heavy. It had been such a long few days and weeks and months, and suddenly it was all he could do to keep himself awake.

-

Dean had only ever watched his brother fall asleep. Dad was often out, and it left Dean alone to look after his brother. Hell, even now it was Dean who packed Sam’s lunch in the morning and drove him to school, making himself nearly late for his first class every day. So what if he had always relished in watching the kid conk out? With Cas, though, it was completely different. Sam’s head would hit the pillow and BAM, dead moose. But Cas? He fought for a good three minutes, fingers gripping Dean’s shirt and lids fluttering, seeming angry that he was losing this battle against his inner self. After one final, stifled yawn, the man had closed his eyes for the last time, mouth parted, but arms still strong against Dean’s midsection. Dean sighed contentedly, kissing the top of Cas’ head, which was snuggled against his shoulder. Maybe Dean should get some sleep too. He’d been driving a while, and it’s not like he ever really passed up the chance to fall unconscious these days.

His breathing began to slow, and soon he was in the kind of mindset that he wasn’t asleep, but he also wasn’t really awake at the same time. He blinked, but felt that it had definitely been longer than a blink, considering that the clock had shifted from one to half past one. Dean yawned, stretching out his legs before settling back in. Cas had shifted, arms still wrapped around Dean, but now his legs were stretched out on the couch and his head was under the blankets on Dean’s lap. He managed to twist them around without waking the other man, making it so Dean was also stretched out on the couch and Cas was between his legs, the blanket on Cas’ body but not suffocating him. Dean closed his eyes with a content sigh, putting his hands behind his head.

When the door opened and closed followed by the sound of a body being slammed into a wall, Dean’s veins were filled with ice. Cas was still out, and he was also in a comatose state, and Dean was trapped.

Shit, shit, shit!

Dean was trying to figure out either an explanation to his father or a way to escape from Cas when he heard moans from the hallway.

The fuck?

“Jess, Jess,” rang down the short hallway and it was all Dean could do to not vomit while laughing. Sam didn’t know about Dean and Cas, nor should he, but Dean was hoping and praying that his little brother would be in too much of a sex-crazed state (ew) to notice Dean stuck under the body of a man who was clinging to him like crazy and had his head right against Dean’s crotch. Dean should’ve gotten a pillow for Cas’ head, but it was too fucking late now.

“Fuck, fuck,” a female voice intoned, and Dean had to bite his lip to hide his grin, silently cheering Sam on while he was desperately wriggling his leg.

A whole twenty seconds had passed.

Dean heard footsteps leading away and breathed a loud sigh of relief. Too loud. Shit.

“Dean?” Sam called nervously. Dean froze, leg finally free, the other still trapped under 160 pounds of Cas.

“Fuck,” Dean muttered, moving his body up and jilting Cas, who just frowned in his sleep and clung tighter to Dean. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Dean, you home?” Sam emerged from the darkened hallway and stopped dead in his tracks. “Oh.”

“Fuck.”

“Uh, hey.”

“Hey, Sammy.” Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“What, uh. What?”

“Uh, this is, ahem, this is Jim, remember?”

“I fucking remember, Dean. What the hell is he doing… on you?”

“Sam?” Dean heard, and saw Jess appear beside Sam, normally perfectly kempt hair wild and crazy, right alongside Sam’s. She turned on her heel when she saw Dean and Cas, disappearing down the hallway.

“Good seeing you, Jess!” Dean called lightly, ears red.

“Dean, what the fuck?” Dean let out a loud breath. He tried sitting up, but once again, his leg was still trapped under a whole man, and Cas was latched onto Dean like a parasite. Dean pushed his shoulder, moved his head, opened an eyelid- nothing.

“Sam, I can explain,” Dean said slowly.

“Go right ahead.”

“Well… Well, fuck, uh, he and I. Fuck. Shit.”

“Keep going.” Dean grit his teeth.

“I’ve been… seeing, uh, seeing Jimmy since October,” Dean said in a barely audible voice. “Fucking _wake up_!” Cas groaned, rolling over and landing on the floor, taking the blanket with him. He opened his eyes groggily, staring at Dean in anger before just rolling onto his side on the floor. “Fuck, he must’ve been up the whole goddam week.”

“Dean!”

“Right. So. Yeah.”

“Well fuck.”

“And now you hate me.”

“You think I hate you?”

“Well I am the family faggot.”

“Dean Winchester!” Sam snapped angrily. Dean stood, stepping over Cas to be next to his brother, who was quickly catching up to Dean’s height, looking angrily at his sibling.

“What, Sam? Fucking what? You’re going to deny it?” Cas groaned, sitting up and shaking his head. He zeroed in on Sam from the floor.

“Oh, shit.”

-

“Don’t call yourself that,” Sam said softly.

“Why not? It’s true,” Dean insisted. Castiel quietly wondered what the word had been but he had a pretty good idea. He shivered, moving away from the two, waiting for them to get physical and hash it out. Sam placed a hand gently on Dean’s shoulder and Dean shrugged it off angrily, turning away from Sam.

“Please, just… Dean, I don’t care. About, about your sexuality. I know a lot of people, like dad, will, but Dean… I don’t. And neither will Jess, or Bobby, or fucking anyone, soon. Please. I don’t want you to think I hate you.” Castiel saw Dean’s jaw set and his eyes squeeze shut and he could tell Dean was holding back tears. For the past few months, it had been Castiel with so many problems, Castiel waking with tear tracks on his face, Castiel the breakable one; it was killing the man to see Dean like this, and he could now imagine how Dean had felt seeing Castiel. He stood, tripping over the blanket, but managing to keep himself afloat as he moved towards Dean and pulled him into an embrace, Dean gripping him close. Castiel locked eyes with Sam, a hundred ‘thank you’s spilling from his eyes. Sam looked away, moving his hand to his face, trying to keep Castiel from seeing him flick away the wetness. Dean finally released a shuddering breath, grabbing Castiel’s shoulders and stepping back, nodding towards him. He stepped away, looking at Sam now. His brother was hunched over, in protective mode.

“Sammy, I… thank you. Really. I mean-”

Sam cut him off, throwing himself at his brother and holding him close, eyes squeezed shut as Dean held him back. Castiel looked away. This was so… intimate. So unlike Dean, and more than likely very much unlike Sam. Castiel had to bite his lip to keep himself from laughing aloud at how absurd this all was. Who would have guessed that they would be caught together, but that nothing truly horrible would occur? Castiel instantly cursed himself, wishing he could knock on wood.

The brothers broke apart, both awkwardly turning away and wiping their eyes, pretending they couldn’t see the other doing the same thing. Sam’s eyes flashed over to Castiel, who stepped forwards with his hand out.

“I hope you remember me,” Castiel said sheepishly. Sam laughed, ignoring Castiel’s hand and pulling him in for a bear hug.

“Uh, yeah, he’s a bit of a hugger,” Dean chimed in, a nervous smile on his face. “Shit, bro, sorry about Jess.”

“Oh. Yeah. Fuck. Jess? You still here?” Sam called, releasing Castiel with a pat to his arm and jogging down the hall. Dean surged forwards, his lips meeting Castiel’s and moving, searching, trying to waste every last second of breath. Castiel pulled back eventually, eyes wild and breathing heavy.

Dean jumped nearly half a foot at an angry pounding on the door. That was the kind of knock the cops did.

“Just a second,” Dean muttered, heading to the hallway.

“I’ve got it, don’t worry!” Sam yelled. Dean stopped, turning back to Castiel when he saw Jessica, not ready to face his brother’s girlfriend just set.

“Are you Dean Winchester?” Dean heard a low voice ask threateningly. The hair on the back of his neck prickled. Fuck, did he do anything illegal?

“Uh, uh, no, he’s here,” Sam choked out. “Dean?” Dean took a long, deep breath, going down to the front hall with Castiel on his heels. Sam immediately scrambled away, pulling Jessica with him. Dean and Castiel both froze just in front of the door.

Looming before them was a man who was a few inches shorter than Dean, but intimidating nonetheless. There was a shotgun in the crook of his arm, and a million ideas of what Dean may have done ran through Castiel’s mind. Did he owe someone money? Did he hurt someone? Was this guy just a random murderer?

“Can I help you?” Dean asked smoothly, moving slightly to the left to keep Castiel out of harm’s way. There was a tightness in Castiel’s chest, his heart hammering, stomach in knots, and mouth dry.

“Can you fucking _help_ me?” the man spat, anger rolling off of his being. “Do you even know who the fuck I am, you worthless piece of shit?” Dean squared his jaw, shaking his head, eyeing the shotgun carefully. “The name Dane ring a bell, fuckwad?” Castiel saw Dean’s face go completely and totally white. He looked violently ill. Sam was storming down the hall, but Castiel made gestures to stay where he was, which Sam abided by just in time.

“Wh-what are you doing here?” Dean croaked, body visibly shaking.

“What the fuck do you _think_ I’m doing here? I’m going to rip your _fucking_ head off and feed your prepubescent balls to my _fucking dog_ ,” the man bellowed, lurching forwards. Dean moved a protective arm around Castiel, and the man was stopped by a hand gripping his shoulder.

“Dad!” a female voice rang out. He stopped, eyes piercing into Dean’s, who looked like his mind was reeling.

“What the fuck do you want?” he whispered.

“I’m here to get you to own up to your fucking mistake!”

“ _Dad_!” the female voice said again. Dean was completely ignoring her.

“What mistake?” Dean choked out.

“Oh, so now you don’t even fucking well remember my daughter!” he screamed. He whirled around, and a tan-skinned beauty was in the doorway, face a mask of shame, long black hair being twisted nervously between her fingers. Her eyes were frightened and pleading.

“No,” Dean stated.

“Oh yes, motherfucker!” Castiel grabbed Dean’s arm to keep him from falling.

“Dean? Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel asked, trying to get Dean to look at him.

“I- I-”

“Oh, and now you can’t even say it! You fucking knocked up my daughter, and you don’t even have the balls to say! You worthless sack of shit!” The entire room went silent. Everything seemed to freeze. Castiel’s heartbeat was thrumming louder and louder in his ears as the seconds ticked by. Was what that man speaking even English? Castiel’s eyes moved slowly, too slowly, over to the girl. He saw the bump. Staring at him. Threatening his entire world. His everything. Sam was frozen as well, eyes wide. Dean lurched away from Castiel, and things were speeding up, moving too fast.

“Lisa,” Dean gasped, hands waving uselessly before him, the man with the shotgun forgotten. Castiel was frozen in place, arm still raised.

“Dean?” he whispered.

“I’m so sorry, Lisa. It’s- it’s been four months! Please, I didn’t know, I-”

“Dean, I know, I didn’t know when the right time was…”

“Fucking never!” Dane yelled, rattling Castiel’s bones.

“Dean,” Castiel gasped, on the verge of tears. Sam took a step forwards, but it was all he could manage.

“Lisa, I won’t leave you alone. You have to let me be with you. Please, the baby, I…” Dean pleaded, eyes boring into hers.

“Dean,” Castiel choked, a silent tear falling down his face as he stood stock-still. Everyone had forgotten him. All eyes were on Lisa and Dean. Everyone was thinking about the baby. No one was thinking about Castiel. No one saw the flood of tears that were running silently down his face. Until someone did. Until Dean turned around, and held a hand out to him in desperation.

“Cas, I’m so sorry,” he croaked, moving away from Lisa and her enraged father.

“D-Dean,” Cas stammered, breathing hitched. It was the only word his mouth would form.

“Cas, I didn’t know, I swear this was before you, before all of- this,” Dean said, waving his hand desperately.

“Dean, please,” Castiel whispered, squeezing his eyes shut against the onslaught of tears, gritting his teeth, shaking his head back and forth.

“Cas-”

“No. No. This isn’t- this isn’t happening,” Castiel said, opening his eyes to meet the blurry green that was Dean’s.

“I think you should go.” Castiel heard someone take in a sharp breath; most likely Sam. “Cas, this is my fuck up, and I have to take care of it. You should just… go.”

“Right,” he hiccupped. “Right, because- because who wants to _fuck_ the neighbourhood faggot? Who wants to care about the head case? Right? Because who the _fuck_ cares!” Castiel sobbed, voice breaking over the last word. Dean’s face showed only regret.

“I think you should go,” Dean repeated. Castiel didn’t feel anger, only empty blackness. Lisa was inching towards Dean, confused, and her father seemed both disinterested and plotting death.

“Dean, please-”

“Cas, just _go_!”

“Cas!” he heard Sam call. He ripped his feet into his shoes, and the next thing he knew, it was cold, and he was running. The tears were frozen on his face, and he could feel his lungs working at full capacity. He let loud sobs bubble from his throat. He let himself scream as he ran, feeling the wind whip past his face, feeling his insides being torn out.

“Fucking stupid,” he seethed. “Fucking stupid, stupid idiot. He got what he wanted. He fucking got the girl. He got the baby. He doesn’t need me. No one needs me.” His hands ripped at his wet face in anger as more tears formed, sobs escaping his mouth uncontrollably as he continued to run as far and fast as he could unsure where he even was at this point. Castiel slipped on the ice, going down hard on his left leg. Rather than cry out or try to get back up, he just wrenched his eyes shut and curled into a ball, skin red and wind-whipped around his bare arms, the cold biting into his flesh. He didn’t care. Nobody would care.

To be honest, nobody had ever really cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I mean, seriously. Sorry. I don't know if any of you actually give half a shit, or hate this, or even care, but this has actually killed me from the inside out to write, and I'm not entirely sure as to why it affects me so. Just a heads up- if you're looking for a happy ending in part one, leave right fucking now.
> 
> Also, some of you may be wondering or pissed off about the fact that Dean totally forgot about Cas and decided to go instantly to Lisa, but with his background, do you think he would ever abandon his own baby? After all that shit with John? Well, I don't, and I think he'd stop giving a shit about whoever he might be with and do what's best for the kid. Anyways. Just my two cents.


	13. Burned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel awakes in a hospital once more, where Charlie and Lucifer try to comfort him after learning of what happened with Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's exams. And I should've been studying. But NOPE. Anyways, two more after this, and then I'm breaking off for part two! Please enjoy!

A warm hand was touching Castiel’s face. He was still out of it, but coming to his senses enough to open his freezing eyelids enough to see a person standing above him yelling at someone and another person kneeling beside him, throwing some form of coat around him.

“Fuck, Jim, how long have you been out?” he heard a female voice mumble.

“Charlie?” he cracked.

“Yeah. And your brother. Uh. Luci, I’ll call him. Look, man, you’re fine, okay? We’ll get you to a hospital, you’ll be fine. Just hang in there.” Castiel nodded weakly. He heard the sounds of sirens in the distance and decided to close his eyes again.

………

“Son, you were on that sidewalk for a whole ten minutes. You’re lucky you didn’t lose that arm or your life,” the doctor said gruffly. Castiel nodded meekly, fresh tears on his face. Charlie gripped his hand tightly while Lucifer stood unassuming in the corner. The doctor looked at his charts one last time before shaking his head and leaving. Castiel thumped his head against the pillow, arm screaming in pain. It was heavily bandaged, and the doctor had said he was unconscious for a few hours. His arm was severely burned by the cold, something Castiel was having difficulty understanding, and that his arm would also need to be in a sling for a few days when he left to lessen the pain. All in all, there would be no scars and he was just lucky the nerve endings hadn’t frozen off. He felt Charlie’s hand swing down and collide with his head.

“Jeeze, Charlie!” Castiel grumbled, too exhausted to care.

“What the _fuck_ , Jim? Do you want to fucking explain to me why you were lying in the middle of the fucking sidewalk half dead? If Lucifer and I hadn’t walked by, you’d be _removed_ from there as a frozen Cas-sicle! Fuck, Jimmy!” Charlie screamed, hitting his good arm numerous times. Castiel just closed his eyes, trying to be anywhere else.

“Castiel?” Lucifer said softly, approaching the bed. “Is there someone that I should call? Gabriel? Do you have a phone number?” Castiel wanted to slap himself in the face. Neither of them knew his home phone number, and he would need to tell them so they could ruin his mother’s Christmas more than he already had.

“My family. They should know,” he muttered. Lucifer was patient. Castiel reached for a pen, but realized his right arm was incapacitated and groaned in pain.

“Just repeat the numbers,” Lucifer said softly. Castiel did so, and Lucifer left the room quickly. Charlie pulled up a chair, placing a hand on Castiel’s arm. He wouldn’t look at her.

“Jim, what happened?” she asked softly. Castiel shook his head. “You need to tell me, and if you want it done in private, now’s the time.” Castiel took a deep breath.

“I was at Dean’s.”

“Like in the dream?”

“Sort of, but… everything was different. We were on the couch, and his brother came home.”

“Shit.”

“That’s what I thought, but Sam… he didn’t care. He just wanted Dean to be happy. And we were. And then… and then the shit just hit the fan,” Castiel explained, voice breaking.

“Hey, it’s okay. How did you end up out on the street?”

“Because of who was at the door,” he said, voice hitching. “It was- it was Dean’s ex-girlfriend.”

“Lisa?”

“Yeah. And… Charlie, she’s- she’s pregnant, and Dean, he told me to go, to get out.” Charlie was silent.

“It’s not Dean’s. He’ll come back. There’s no way it’s his. It’ll be fine, Jimmy-”

“No! I don’t fucking care whose it is! He told me to go, and my brain just… shut off. I- I tripped, and then you found me, and… Charlie, I just fucking can’t. I really liked him, Charlie. Really. And now… it’s all just fucked up beyond belief.”

“Jim-”

“Please. Just don’t. Just forget Dean. I can’t deal with it right now or else I’m just going to fucking shut down.”

“Okay. I’ll drop it. For now. But Jim, we’re going to need to discuss this later, all right?” Castiel turned away, unable to look at her. He clenched his jaw, trying to keep in the miserable sobs that were rattling around his ribcage.

-

Charlie stood, giving Castiel’s hand a final pat. She promised to be right back, leaving the room and practically sprinting to the payphone, surprised that there wasn’t smoke coming out of her ears she was so angry. Lucifer was there, still on the phone with Maria or Gabriel, and Charlie wished him luck. She dug her hand into her pocket, pulling out money to drop into the payphone. She dialed a familiar number, and waited for someone to answer.

“Hello?” she heard. The voice sounded tired, drained.

“Who is this?” she demanded, in no mood for any kind of bullshitting.

“Sam. Who’re you?” he asked.

“Not important, put Dean on the phone.”

“He’s a little busy.”

“I don’t care if he took a trip to the moon, put him on the fucking phone,” Charlie snapped. She heard movement on the end, and low voices in the background.

“What?” Dean’s voice asked.

“Dean Winchester, what the fuck did you do?” she screamed, getting an odd look from Lucifer.

“Charlie, is that you? Did you just swear?”

“Shut the fuck up. Jim’s in the hospital. He just woke up from being unconscious, he nearly lost a fucking arm.”

“What? How? What hospital? I’m on my wa-”

“Just shut the fuck up and listen! He left your house in a panic, and he passed out on the sidewalk. His brother and I found him. Dean, it’s bad, he fucking messed up. I need you to get your shit together and tell me what happened, because I can’t fucking tell if Jim’s in the right mind to tell the truth.”

“Look, Charlie, it’s none of your business-”

“ _None of my business_? Are you _fucking_ kidding me? I’m standing here in a hospital, trying to understand why my best friend nearly _died_ , and it’s none of my business?”

“Charlie-”

“Don’t ‘Charlie’ me! Tell me what happened, or I swear to God I will-”

“Fine, fine! Just… one sec.” She heard him moving around, and a door close. Charlie fed more quarters into the machine when it told her she was losing minutes. Lucifer clapped her on the shoulder before moving away, heading towards Castiel’s room. “Charlie, it’s Lisa, okay? She’s pregnant. It’s mine.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Actually, I do. Four months ago… I didn’t think anything of it, y’know? Figured she was on the pill. She wasn’t. Now there’s a kid. I can’t abandon it just because I might- have strong feelings for Cas, okay?”

“You can’t just yell at him to go, Dean.”

“What the fuck was I supposed to do? Invite him to stay while I was pounded into the dirt by my ex’s father? Have him sit and chat about Lisa and I’s future?”

“Why can’t she just raise the baby alone? You and Jim are so perfect-”

“That kid is _not_ growing up without a father. There is no _fucking_ way that’s happening. Ever.”

“Dean-”

“Is he okay?”

“He’ll be fine.”

“Good. Look, I’m gonna drive up-”

“No! Don’t you dare! He doesn’t need that!”

“Charlie, I want to make sure he’s okay.”

“Is there any chance you two will _ever_ get back together?” Dean let out a sad sigh.

“No.”

“Then you stay as far away from him as you can. You hear me? He needs to get over you without killing himself, and if he sees you, God knows what’ll happen.”

“He still has some shit here,” Dean mumbled.

“Drop it off at the apartment, I’ll take care of it before he gets out of here.”

“Okay. Charlie?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t hate me. Please, just… try and understand.”

“I’m trying, Dean, I really am.”

-

Lucifer had told Castiel that his mother was now on her way to the hospital, and that Gabriel would be coming too. The older man offered to stay, and Castiel thanked him, saying it was his own decision. Lucifer nodded, sitting next to his brother.

“I know I haven’t been around very much,” Lucifer began. Castiel chuckled.

“I don’t need that speech. I completely understand.” Lucifer nodded, but seemed internally angry.

“Gabriel, has he forgiven me?”

“For what?”

“For… the trial. I wasn’t of much use. Always the troublemaker, it seems,” Lucifer spat.

“Brother, he forgave you long ago. Don’t worry about Gabriel.” Lucifer nodded.

“Tell me, whose Dean and why was your redheaded friend furious with him?” Castiel groaned.

“She didn’t actually call him, did she?”

“Yeah. And it seemed like she was tearing him a new one. I haven’t heard someone swear like that since Gabriel first met Michael.” Castiel chuckled at the memory. When the two siblings had first met, it was a bit of a standoff. Lucifer and Michael had always hated each other, and Gabriel had known Lucifer better, so Lucifer had told Gabriel Michael was pretty much the worst person in the world. Gabriel, being Gabriel, had started screaming at Michael for no reason, and he looked pretty damn ridiculous doing it, all 5’7” of him. Shaking his head, Castiel came back to the present.

“She needn’t have called him. I’m dealing with it.”

“You still haven’t answered my question, brother. Who is he?” Castiel looked down at his hands, fidgeting with his hospital gown.

“He is… a friend.”

“Is this the guy you were boning for at the library?”

“Lucifer!” Castiel snapped. He shrugged.

“I saw Gabe like four months ago; the guy’s way of speaking just sticks to you like glue. Anyway, is he someone important, Cas?” Castiel closed his eyes. Lucifer had never called him Cas before. Why start now? It was like he was _trying_ to get Castiel to cry again.

“Yes, he was very important to me.”

“Was?”

“It’s not anyone’s problem but mine.”

“I’m here to help you, Castiel. Tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can do something.” Castiel closed his eyes, letting out a breath and sinking against the pillow.

“We’ve been dating since October.” Lucifer nodded, completely unfazed. Castiel wanted to burst out laughing. Almost ten years of stressing out over his family reacting badly, and Dean had been right; no one gave two shits anymore. Thank God. “And he came to Christmas. We, uh, we just got back this morning. What time is it?”

“It looks to be… about seven.”

“What? Well. That went by quickly. We, uh, we got back, and his ex-girlfriend stopped by with her dad. And… and her unborn child,” Castiel breathed, clenching his jaw on the word _child_. The very thing that was tearing his Dean away from him.

“Oh no. Oh, Cas, I’m so, so sorry,” Lucifer mumbled, taking Castiel’s hand in his own. Castiel nodded briskly.

“I’ll be fine.”

“No, you won’t, and to be honest, neither will he. No matter how hard it is for you, just remember that you can eventually forget him, move on, find a new man, adopt babies. Every time Dean looks at that kid, he’ll think of you. Every time Dean looks at that girl, he’ll think of how he doesn’t really belong with her. Consider yourself lucky.”

“ _Lucky_? The man I lo- the man I wanted to be with, is gone. Forever. And now I get a dysfunctional arm and a brother who I’ve seen six times in my life telling me how to live it, and defending the bastard I was with, when he himself can’t even find anyone who can get past his family _shit_!” Castiel yelled. He instantly regretted his choice of words. Lucifer chuckled darkly, no humour in the sound. He reached behind himself, pulling out his wallet. He grabbed a picture from inside and gave it to Castiel, who took it with trembling fingers. It was Lucifer, and he was… happy. Younger, definitely much younger. There was a beautiful blond woman on his arm, and he was looking excitedly at her extended stomach, both hands spread on it. A lump formed in Castiel’s throat.

“Her name was Sarah. We got married when we were twenty five, and two years later she got pregnant. There were complications. Both she and the baby died.” Castiel looked from the photo to his brother, who was staring at the woman’s face with more sorrow and longing than anyone Castiel had ever seen. “So don’t tell me I don’t know what your boyfriend is going to feel. Sarah, she never had to know the baby was dead. She died thinking it was safe. You? Castiel, you get to just walk away, nothing but memories reminding you of him. I got to go home and see Theo’s crib. The bed where Sarah would sleep. I had nightmares for years about blood pouring out of that crib and Sarah speaking to me. Dean? He gets to miss you every time that he sees that kid or that girl. He didn’t choose this, Castiel, and I think you need to see it like that. That kid is going to need him, and he knows it.” Lucifer stood, turning to face Charlie in the doorway, who had tears in her eyes from his story. Lucifer put his hand on Castiel’s shoulder, gently taking the photo, caressing his hand over the front of it, smoothing the edges, and placing it back in his wallet. Lucifer turned and brushed past Charlie, wiping his eyes. Castiel didn’t know when he would next see him.

“Jim?” Charlie asked softly. He shook his head.

“He’s right,” Castiel croaked out. “I wasn’t thinking about Dean. How he must be dealing with this.”

“Jimmy, no,” Charlie said, moving beside the bed. “This is his fuck up. Lucifer’s right. In the long run, Dean will hurt more. But right now? Jim, right now _you_ hurt. Right now _you_ have the right to be angry, and I want you to be angry. Because if you repress this, you may find yourself in a fit of rage in ten years, something uncontrollable. So have a moment. Fuck, have a month. Grieve this loss. But do it right, Jim.”

………..

Maria tried to insist on staying with Castiel when he was released from the hospital on New Year’s Eve, but Castiel refused her help. He told her that Garth was looking after him and that Gabriel was ten whopping minutes away. Castiel told her to go home and relax. When he finally entered his darkened dorm room, he closed the door quietly, sliding against the cool wood and letting the tears he had been holding in for days leak from his eyes. He hadn’t told anyone but Charlie and Lucifer why he actually ended up in the hospital. They kept asking where Dean was, and Charlie was always there, intervening and changing the subject. Gabriel definitely caught on, but Castiel just couldn’t tell his brother. Not now.

Garth was still at Bess’ house. Castiel was alone, and he needed it. The room still smelled like Dean, and Castiel was drinking it in. He stood from the door, wiping his eyes and moving to sit on the bed. His luggage had appeared outside his door along with his winter gear, and Charlie had shoved it in his room quite ungracefully. Castiel moved around the suitcase and coat, flopping down, arm still in a sling so he wouldn’t move it around until all the healing had been done. He sighed, wiping his good hand over his face.

“ _Fuck_!” he yelled, whipping his bedside lamp across the room. “Fuck this _shit_! Fuck, fuck!” He couldn’t stop yelling. He just wanted to scream until he couldn’t scream anymore. He went over to the window, thrusting it open and shivering in the cold air, trying to get the _Dean_ out of the room. He needed to forget. _Now_. Castiel sat by the window, drinking in the freshness the crisp air provided.

When someone knocked on the door, he instantly screamed “Fuck off, I’m not in the mood!” But it continued, turning into a violent banging. “Gabriel, I swear to fucking God, if that’s you-”

When Castiel swung the door open, he didn’t find Gabriel, but Dean. He immediately went to slam the door shut, but Dean grabbed it, nearly crushing his fingers, forcing it open.

“Get out of here,” Castiel growled.

“Cas, please-”

“Don’t- call me that.”

“Jim. I just- I just need to see you. One last time. Please, Jim, just let me explain. Please.”


	14. The Big Blowout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Cas leaves, there are so many things Dean needs to say and do, but isn't sure he's saying or doing any of them right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from Dean's point of view after Cas leaves, so the story isn't progressing, but will next chapter!
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER IS THE LAST ONE!
> 
> There WILL be a Part Two, and, knowing myself, it'll most likely be up by next week. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Dean closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. _Okay. He’s gone. Deal with the problem at hand. Worry about Cas later. Okay._ Lisa was fixing him with a strange glance.

“Listen here dickfucker,” Dane growled. “You need to step the fuck up. _You_ did this, and you need to look after it.”

“ _Dad_! Get _out_! I’m twenty one years old! This is _our_ mistake, and you need to back off!” Lisa screamed, swinging towards her father. “You have _no right_ to do this, and you had no right to bring me here in the first place!”

“Lisa Brae-”

“Dad, get out, get out now! You need to take a drive and calm down! Get that gun out of here, and take yourself with it!” He growled under his breath, walking through the open door, shoving past Sam (when had he gotten there?) and slamming the door hard enough to knock a picture off of the wall.

“Dean, Cas-”

“Sam, please, I can’t think about that right now.”

“You have to!”

“Take Jess and get the fuck out of here!” Dean yelled, causing Sam and Lisa to shrink back. He took a breath. “Look, man, the Impala keys are on that table. Just. Take her home, okay?” Sam nodded meekly. The boy didn’t have his full license, but Dean wasn’t exactly thinking straight at the moment. Dean slid against the wall, head in his hands, Lisa maneuvering herself to be beside him. Sam reappeared with Jess, who looked incredibly confused, and dragged her out the door while swiping the keys, also slamming it.

“Dean?” Lisa asked gently.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I… I wasn’t even sure if I was going to keep it.”

“What!? You were just going to _give_ it away?”

“Dean, please-”

“Before I get worked up, how the fuck do I even know if I’m the father?” Lisa reached into her pocket and pulled out a grainy picture. She handed it to him. Dean felt his heart stop. It was just a tiny little peanut, but it was there. The baby was there.

“That was at twelve weeks, last month. That means I’m seventeen weeks. Dean, the dates line up to that night. If I wasn’t _sure_ it was yours, I damn well wouldn’t have told my father when he forced it out of me.” Dean blew out a breath.

“You can’t give it up.”

“I know.”

“What the fuck are we going to do? I don’t have a job. We’re both in school. Where the fuck will we live?”

“We?”

“Yeah, we. Don’t you want a we?”

“Dean, it seemed like you… and that guy were pretty into each other, judging by what he was saying.” Dean felt his throat close over. He shut his eyes for a minute, taking yet another breath.

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is that even after we both pulled all that stupid shit, I care about you, Lisa. I- I always have. I always will. And now- now we both need each other’s help.” Dean grit his teeth, remembering the day when things really fell apart. Lisa had told Dean she was tired of the same thing all the time, and that they needed a break. When Benny blew Dean and it somehow got back to Lisa, she had been furious, even if there was a break. He and Benny were fuck buddies for a short amount of time, but then there was the George thing. And then Cas. He was just… there. Picking up the pieces, when he didn’t even know it. And now everything was fucked to hell.

“You’re gay.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You’ve been dating a man, Dean.”

“It’s called bisexual.”

“It’s not a real thing. You’re gay, you’re straight.”

“Then I guess that makes me a straight guy who had a moment of curiousity.” Lisa pondered what he said for a minute. She shook her head.

“I just don’t understand.”

“Lisa, all I want is for that baby to be happy and healthy. How can I do that if I’m not around? If I’m not with it, with you?”

“And that guy you were with? Cas? How do you think he’ll feel?” Dean cursed himself for the words that were about to come out of his mouth. Lies. All lies. But he needed to say them. There was more at stake here than just his petty feelings.

“Cas was a fling. It was a way to try and get over you, Lisa. And it didn’t work. I still really care about you, no one will change that.”

“I regretted us breaking up the minute it happened,” she whispered, taking his hand in hers. Dean felt a lump in his throat. This was wrong, so wrong. But he had no other choice. He needed to man up and take responsibility for his actions. He needed to be the man his father had never been for Sam.

“What the fuck are we going to do?”

“I don’t know. Five months until it’s here. That’s enough to finish next semester. Then we have nearly four months of summer. And… senior year.”

“We don’t have any cash, Lisa.”

“I know,” she whispered, her voice laced with fear.

“I can drop out, get a job at Singer Auto, stay with Bobby until my dad cools down.”

“Then what? Be a mechanic forever? And what the hell am I expected to do, just raise the kid?”

“Fuck, Lisa, I don’t know!” Dean yelled, standing from the wall and starting to pace. “Fuck!” Lisa was quiet, running a hand through her thick hair.

“I like the name Emma, for a girl.”

“What?”

“Emma. I like the name Emma. And Ben, if it’s a boy.”

“What about Isaac? Or… or- nothing.”

“Isaac? Please. Middle name material, Winchester,” Lisa chuckled. She reached out her hand, and Dean pulled her up. “Look, I know that this isn’t some fairytale story. This is the story of some girl you got knocked up whose dad is a bastard, and who just happens to still be crazy in love with you. We’re broke. We’re probably homeless. Life is going to suck for a long time. But Dean, if you’re willing to put in the effort, I… I really do want to try. And make it work.” Dean nodded.

“Me too, Lisa, but… Fuck, it’s just so bad.”

“You don’t need to be a part of this. Say the word, and it’ll be like I was never here.”

“No, I’m not letting you raise it alone. No way.”

“Okay. Then let’s think about this. There’s no way we can stay with my dad. Maybe my mom, if I explained to her what happened, but I just don’t know.”

“I can call Bobby. He’ll kick up a fit, but deep down, the old bastard knows he loves me, and he’d probably be willing to put a roof over our heads, just for a little while. I could work there as part of the pay, pick up a second job… I’ll leave school, but you keep going-”

“No, Dean, you’re giving up your education for me.”

“It’s not for you, and it’s not your choice,” Dean snapped. “I’m just a failure anyways. The chances of me actually passing this year were slim to none to begin with. I’m only in second year. You’re actually in third, and have a real chance to graduate, do something with your life. I’m just a fuck up, okay?”

“Dean, you’re so much more,” Lisa insisted. Dean shook his head, chuckling sadly.

“No, I’m really not.” Cas’ face flashed in his mind, and Dean could physically feel his heart breaking. He had only ever told one person he loved them, and that was his mother. Lisa? She had never heard those words. Nor had John, or even Sammy. So why was it that he could only think of the word love to describe his emotions towards Cas? But it was too late now. Lisa was here. Even if Cas wanted Dean, Dean couldn’t want Cas back. It was doomed from the start. Dean shook his head slowly.

“I’m not arguing with you anymore, Dean, okay? Just… I can’t go home. Not yet.” Dean nodded.

“I get it. Do you wanna stay here for a bit? I can call Bobby, ask him about a place. We can stay here until my dad gets home in a couple days.” Lisa nodded, looking exhausted.

“Merry Christmas, huh?”

“And a shitty New Year.”

………..

Lisa’s plan didn’t work. Her father showed back up, forcing her home, not letting Dean near her alone for the at least the time being. So many things were wrong. So many things just wouldn’t work. Dean didn’t know what to do anymore. He just wanted to scream and scream and scream. He had called Bobby, and the old bastard had grudgingly opened up his spare room to them, saying rent wasn’t necessary, Dean just had to work and cook. With Lisa gone and Bobby called, the only thing Dean wanted to do was call Cas. It had been a couple of hours, maybe he had cooled off? Dean was staring intensely at the phone when Sam came through the door, slamming it shut.

“Is Lisa here?” he growled.

“No, she left.”

“Good.” Sam strode forwards, slamming his fist into his brother’s face.

“What the _fuck_ , Sammy?” Dean yelled, scrambling away before Sammy could hit him again or before Dean felt the need to reciprocate.

“Me? _Me_? More like _Dean, what the fuck_? I cannot _believe_ you said that to Jim! Are you _fucking_ kidding me?” Sam yelled. Dean was taken aback. He had never heard Sam swear before.

“Sam,” Dean replied, voice low and making an attempt to sound apologetic. Sam waved his hand, shaking his head in disgust.

“Don’t. Just don’t, Dean. I can’t hear it. Just… Ugh!”

“Why aren’t you happy, Sam? Now I can be fucking normal again. No more gay shit. Isn’t that what you and everyone else wants?”

“ _No_!” Sam roared. He looked utterly furious, and Dean had never seen his brother like this. “Don’t you _get it_ , Dean? How the fuck could you be so blind? Dean, he _loved_ you. The second I saw you two together, I _knew_. You just crushed him, Dean. And judging by how he looked when he left here, I’m willing to bet he isn’t _fucking_ okay!”

“He’s not my problem!” Sam barked out a laugh.

“Of course he isn’t, Dean, of course he isn’t! Because all you care about is what dad would want, right? Get the girl, have the kid, be what dad thinks is _normal_.”

“This isn’t about dad!” Dean screamed, throwing his hands in the air and stepping up to Sam.

“Yeah? Yeah, then what _is_ it about, Dean? Tell me!”

“It’s about the kid!” Dean confessed. He looked away, rubbing his fists into his eyes. “It’s the kid, okay? It’s my fuck up. And I’m not about to abandon it like dad did you. He just left you with me when she died. And it wasn’t right. Look how we grew up. Look how your relationship turned out to be. I don’t want that with my kid, Sam! I just- I just want it to be happy!” Sam shook his head.

“You can spout all of this dad shit until you’re blue in the face, but trust me, Dean, no one sees through that lie faster than me.” Sam turned away. Dean grabbed his shoulder, wrenching him back in place, rage licking at his skin.

“Don’t you _ever_ say that again. I _fucking raised you_ , Sam, and there is no way that my kid is ever having that kind of life. This _is_ about dad, whether you like it or not, and you need to move all of that romanticized _bullshit_ out of your head and look at this logically! What was I gonna do? Say ‘Hey Lisa, great kid you got there, love to stay, but I’d rather ass-fuck this guy I started dating two months ago. Sorry!’ Am I just supposed to drop the kid, pretend everything’s fine, and be with Cas? I don’t think so!”

“But why be so awful, Dean?” Sam asked, sounding utterly exhausted all of a sudden. “Why just- rip his heart out? Steal his grace like that?”

“Don’t go all poetic on me Sammy, I-” Dean stopped when the phone rang. He realized they had somehow migrated from the front hall to the kitchen, and now Sammy was just beside the phone. His brother sighed, answering it.

“Hello? Sam, who’re you? He’s a little busy.”

“Sammy, who is it?”

“I don’t know, just take the goddam phone.”

“We are _not_ done.”

“Agreed.”

“What?” Dean asked, taking the phone from his brother, who disappeared to the other side of the house.

“Dean Winchester, what the fuck did you do?” Dean was taken aback. That sounded like Charlie. A very, very pissed off Charlie, who seemed like she was about to rip out Dean’s throat. Dean, of course, came up with a very intelligible answer.

“Charlie? Is that you? Did you just swear?”

“Shut the fuck up. Jim’s in the hospital. He just woke up from being unconscious, he nearly lost a fucking arm.” Everything left Dean. His thoughts, his feelings, his breath- everything. Cas was hurt. Badly. And it was probably Dean’s fault. If Dean had just stayed away, if Dean had just let Cas remain in the house a _little_ longer, if Dean had chosen different words to get Cas to leave… and now Cas was hurt, and it was all Dean’s fault.

“What? How? What hospital? I’m on my wa-” Charlie interrupted Dean, saying how he shouldn’t come, should stay home. Dean was furious. Cas would need him. But would he? Would he really? Or would seeing Dean just hurt him more than it already had? Dean carried on his conversation with Charlie, and it eventually ended with him begging his friend for forgiveness. When he hung up the phone, Dean let out a fit of rage, swiping his hands across the table and clearing the artifacts off. Sam appeared in the doorway, watching with an unimpressed face. Dean scratched at his eyes, forcing away the wetness, banishing emotion.

He couldn’t keep living like this.

……….

The next five days were hell on earth for Dean. He drove Cas’ stuff over, leaving it outside the door for Charlie, and was then forced to drive home feeling like a total sack of shit. Lisa had been there when he got back, and she had a couple of suitcases with her. Sam had grudgingly let her in, and she was waiting on the couch. John wasn’t back yet, and Dean assumed that he wouldn’t be making an appearance until the New Year.

Lisa and Dean spent the remainder of their four days planning. Mapping out how fucking expensive a kid was. Trying to think up ways that both of them could stay in school, or at least Lisa, but not being able to think of anything. Dean sent in a resume to The Roadhouse on the third day, and Ellen immediately hired him. He would start the second week of January, and he was starting at Bobby’s the day he moved in. Lisa already had a job, though Dean wasn’t sure as to what it was, and she was bringing in as much as she could. Dean had savings, and plenty of them, but they weren’t for him, they were for Sam, and Dean couldn’t throw away his thousands of dollars in life savings for the baby, not when Sam still needed so much help.

On the fifth day, Dean got a phone call.

“Not that I owe you anything,” Charlie said immediately, “but Jim is out today, just so you know. He’ll probably be with his mom or something, so if you go over to his house, someone is going to kill you, and it’ll probably be me.” Dean’s heart was pounding as he hung up the phone. Cas was home. Cas was safe. Everything was fine.

“Dean?” Lisa called. “Who was that?”

“Just a friend,” Dean replied.

………..

“Jim. I just- I just need to see you. One last time. Please, Jim, just let me explain. Please,” Dean begged, standing at the door and looking at Cas- Jim with wet eyes. Cas pulled the door open wider. Dean let out a loud breath, accepting the offer and walking through the open door. Cas closed it, and Dean turned to face him.

Dean really and truly didn’t see it coming when Cas’ fist connected with his nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nikki, I think you know exactly what part of this I wrote for you.


	15. Do you want happiness?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has arrived at Castiel's dorm, and things don't go exactly as he had planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END of part ONE. Thank you one hundred times over for reading this and sticking to it with me! Part two will have the first chapter posted on Tuesday, and will be updated every Tuesday and Friday. I hope you all stick around to see how this ends!

Castiel recoiled his fist, again striking Dean, hitting his nose as hard as he could. Dean staggered back, thumping against the door, his hand flying to his now bloody now. Castiel moved his hand to his chest with a hiss; just what he needed, two injured arms. Dean spat out the blood that was pouring into his mouth, trying to add pressure.

“Here,” Castiel grumbled angrily, thrusting a box of tissues at Dean, which he took hurriedly, stuffing a handful under his nose. Castiel ran his throbbing his through his hair, grimacing when his injured shoulder moved. After a few minutes of silence, Dean dabbed the last of the blood from his nose, though the area of his face would likely be stained red for the time being.

“I guess at I deserved that,” Dean muttered.

“You _guess_?” Castiel demanded, face turning red in anger. Dean held up his hands in protection. His eyes zeroed in on the sling.

“You okay, man?” Dean asked, stepping forwards. Castiel moved away, wrapping his most likely bruised arm around the arm that was still tightly bandaged and in a sling. He had been kept under observation for five days to make sure that he didn’t have hypothermia and that he wouldn’t need surgery on his arm. Luckily, the frost bite was less than a high level, and aside from the wind and cold burns he would be fine. They told him to keep the sling on for five more days, just to be sure the muscle wasn’t getting bruised.

“No, I’m not _fucking_ okay,” Castiel spat. “Thanks to you, I nearly lost a fucking arm!”

“That was _not_ my fault!” Dean yelled back.

“Yeah? Then whose was it?”

“Your own, for overreacting!”

“Overreacting? Are you kidding me? You _know_ what kind of problems I have, Dean!” Castiel’s voice cracked on the last word. “You know what I do when I freak out. Dean, I had a massive panic attack. Again. But instead of actually panicking consciously, I made it to the fucking library before passing out from cold and exhaustion! Dean! How could you just brush me off!? How could you just let me _leave_? Don’t you care at all!?” Dean looked like he’d gotten a slap in the face, which fueled Castiel’s anger. He felt hurt? Good.

“Cas- Jim- fuck. I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.”

“That’s not a good enough excuse!”

“It should be! I’d just had a pretty big fucking bomb dropped on me!”

“And I hadn’t!? The man I _loved_ was fathering the child of some random woman!” Castiel screamed. He slapped his hand over his mouth. Dean was pale.

“I’m sorry, Jim. I really am. I had no idea about Lisa. If I did, I never would have let this get as far as it did.”

“Don’t. Don’t say that. Don’t make it seem like you were going to drop me on my ass whether the Lisa thing happened or not. Don’t turn this around like that.” Dean ran blood-stained hands through his hair, letting out a long, loud breath.

“I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

“It doesn’t. Lisa can do this herself.” Dean laughed, but it was humourless.

“I already love the kid, Jim.”

“Don’t say that,” Castiel whispered. “Please. Please don’t say that.”

“It’s been five days and I’m hooked. The kicking, the naming, the thoughts about holding it- just everything. This isn’t a fucking fairytale. Life is gonna be shit, we’re already homeless, and on top of that, I’ve lost you forever. But Cas, yes, fucking Cas; I love it. I don’t- I _can’t_ let it have as shitty a life as I did. I can’t.”

“I can’t forgive you for this.”

“I know.”

“What am I going to do?” Castiel asked himself, the anger flowing out of his body, sadness and exhaustion replacing it. This was _Dean_. This was the man that he met on a whim from a library book. The man who took him out to dinner and waited with him at the hospital. Worked through his first panic attack in years with him. Spent nearly three months attached at the hip. The first boyfriend he brought home to meet the family. This was Dean. And he loved Dean. And now- now he was just expected to let him go?”

“Move on,” Dean said, looking at him with the eyes of a man who had lost everything.

“I can’t.”

“You can. You have no other choice. I’m leaving school, Cas. Lisa and I are going to Sioux Falls. She’ll be here with a friend, but I’ll be living out there. You’ll never see me. You’ll have no choice but to get over it.”

“You make it seem like I’ll never see you again,” Castiel choked.

“You won’t,” Dean said, teeth grit and eyes closed.

“That is absolute bullshit. You knock this girl up, ditch me, and then just fuck off? What is wrong with you?”

“I’m fucked up, Cas! More than you’ll ever know!” Dean screamed.

“A shitty childhood doesn’t make up for any of this!”

“It’s more than that! It’s-” Dean stopped, and Castiel looked at him quizzically, though he could feel the anger return with every passing second.

“Just fucking say it!”

“He beat me, okay? He fucking beat me. And those scars on my shoulder, those are from him. Those are from when he was so mad, he took a broken beer bottle and stabbed me with it. And that’s exactly the kind of father I’ll be!” Dean roared. It clicked in Castiel’s mind. Everything clicked. He had been furious, but all of a sudden, it just made sense. Castiel knew John was a bad father. God, did he know. But it wasn’t just that. It was Dean. Dean was so brainwashed into thinking he was a fuck up and a failure that he would never be able to see things clearly. He would work his entire life to prove himself to others, when in most cases he already had. Castiel realized, with a hate deep inside himself, that Dean really did care for him, but that Dean couldn’t be a father and a lover. Castiel realized sacrifices had to be made. And he realized what he was about to say would kill Dean, and himself, for many years to come, but that they needed to be said. Because if they weren’t, Lucifer would be right. Dean would go his whole life thinking of Castiel. And he couldn’t do that to Dean, no matter how angry he was him. Castiel decided he would rather have Dean hate him and strive to protect that child than go his whole life missing Castiel like he would Dean. So he said it.

“You’re right. You’re a fuck up. You can’t keep your relationship with me, just like you couldn’t with Lisa. You’re fucking worthless, Dean, and that kid will know it. So you need to get the fuck out of here, because guess what? All of the shits I had? They’re fucking gone, and they’ll never come back. You’re awful, Dean Winchester, and I’m glad that I’ll never be forced to see you again,” Castiel spat, looking him up and down. Dean was frozen in place. Castiel could feel his heart breaking in his chest right alongside Dean’s. He loved Dean. Dean loved him. Castiel just needed to forget. Forever. He needed to accept that asking Dean to choose was selfish, and that he just didn’t deserve to be selfish. Dean had tears in his eyes.

“You’re wrong, Cas. I’ll love that kid with everything I have.”

“Prove it,” Castiel sneered.

“Fuck you,” Dean growled, turning on his heel and leaving the dorm with a slam.

That would be the last time Castiel saw Dean Winchester for a very long time.

……….

“Jim, take it easy, okay? I’m gonna call Gabriel, thank God I have his number, and we’re gonna come over and talk, okay? You’re fine. Just- just stay on the line,” Charlie insisted. Castiel could feel it, in the very back of his body. It was riding up his back, making its way to his head.

“Okay. Just hurry, please?” Charlie assured him she would, and hung up the phone. Castiel sat on the edge of his bed. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths in and out.

 _It’s alright. You’re just fine. Nothing is wrong._ Except that everything was wrong. What Castiel had had said to Dean, he never meant, would never mean. They would likely be the last thing Dean ever heard from him. But it was too late to change it now. And Castiel was spiraling out of control. Again. And again, it was because of Dean. It seemed to be some kind of trend. The first attack? George after seeing them together. The next one was because his family found out about them. And even though part of him wanted it to be Dean’s fault, he couldn’t help but keep running over the idea that everything was his fault and would always be his fault.

Castiel curled up on his bed, holding his injured arm tightly to his chest. Still breathing deeply and slowly, he wasn’t sure of how much time was passing. Eventually, he managed to calm himself down, even if it was just a miniscule amount. There was a knock on the door, and Castiel dragged himself out of bed to answer it. When he opened it, Gabriel was there, standing awkwardly, hands in his pocket. Before he knew what was happening, Castiel had his arms around his brother, hugging him tightly and resting his head on the other man’s shoulder. Gabriel squeezed him back then moved away, looking Castiel up and down.

“What happened?” Gabriel asked softly, moving the two of them inside and shutting the door. He made Castiel sit down, looking at his little brother with concern.

“Dean’s girlfriend is pregnant,” Castiel blurted out, covering his mouth and looking away. Gabriel closed his eyes, taking a long, deep breath.

“Okay. What else?” he asked.

“Isn’t that enough?”

“No.” Castiel was quiet for a moment longer.

“I had another attack when I left his house. I passed out on the sidewalk. That’s why I hurt my arm.” Gabriel was remaining remarkably calm, just nodding his head and gesturing for Castiel to continue. “He came today, probably to explain, but… I didn’t end it well, Gabe. I needed him to hate me. So he wouldn’t feel guilty.”

“Why would he feel guilty?” Gabe questioned.

“It’s just who he is.”

“Castiel, when was the last time you put yourself first?”

“I… I don’t really know.”

“How things ended with Dean. Were you happy about it?” Castiel frowned.

“No, but-”

“No buts. Were you happy about it?”

“Gabe, it’s complicated. I can’t let him think I care. Because he needs to let go.”

“Fuck him, Castiel, I want _you_ to be happy. How did you really want to end it?”

“How I did.”

“Don’t fucking do this. Don’t you lie to me.”

“I wanted to make him pick. And I wanted him to choose me. So bad, Gabe, I wanted it to be me.”

“Okay. Why didn’t you?”

“Because I couldn’t just let him go on feeling awful.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him lies,” Castiel whispered. “I told him what he thought of himself. I told him he was a failure, a fuck up, would be a bad father.”

“But _why_ , Castiel?”

“I already fucking told you Gabe!” Castiel yelled.

“Well then tell me again, because the Castiel I know wouldn’t just fuck off like this! He would _fight_! He would claw tooth and nail for the man he loves! He wouldn’t let some side whore take his place!”

“There’s more to it than me now! There’s a kid!”

“So fucking what?”

“So what is that Dean will need it just as much as it will need Dean!”

“Who gives a shit what Dean needs?”

“It isn’t just him, Gabe! That baby doesn’t deserve any of this shit! I couldn’t just… rip away its father. I can’t. I can’t be that selfish. I don’t have the right. I want him to be happy. Even if it isn’t with me.”

“There. That’s all I wanted to hear.”

“What?”

“Cassie. You can’t just shit all over him for no reason. You want him to happy. I just needed to hear you say it. _You_ needed to hear you say it, because trust me little brother, these next few months are going to be hell. I just need you to hold onto that, okay? That _you want him to be happy_. Okay?” Castiel felt numb.

“Gabriel, you’re not making any sense.”

“One day you’ll understand, baby bro.”

“Gabriel?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming.”

“It’s my job,” Gabriel said, ruffling Castiel’s hair and pulling him into an awkward hug.

………..

“Hello?” the voice on the other end asked. Castiel’s jaw clenched. It was Lisa. Was their father still not home? Or was he fine with Dean shacking up with this girl?

“Is Sam there?” Castiel asked, trying to make his voice a small amount lower.

“Sure, just a second,” she said, sounding exhausted. Why shouldn’t she be, though? Castiel heard a voice calling in the background and some static as the phone was passed around.

“Hello?” the younger Winchester asked.

“Sam? It’s Jimmy,” Castiel told him, feeling a lump rise in his throat.

“Shit, Jimmy, are you okay?” Sam questioned, worry lacing his tone.

“What? You aren’t angry?”

“My brother just dumped you on your ass. Why should I be angry?”

“Dean isn’t home?”

“He’s at work. Jim, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

“No, yes, I mean… Look, Sam, this is probably the last time we’ll talk. And I’m not sure if Dean will ever tell you what happened. I just need you tell him something for me, okay?”

“Yeah, sure, shoot.”

………..

Dean dropped the keys on the small table in the living room with a faint jingling sound. He let out a loud sigh, trying to keep his cool and the blind fury that was itching under his skin from being released onto the surface. He toed out of his boots, shrugging off his jacket and heading into the living room.

“Jesus _fucking_ Christ!” Dean yelped when he flicked on the kitchen lights, finding Sam leaned against the counter.

“Jim wanted to leave you a message,” Sam stated coldly.

“Good for fucking him,” Dean grumbled, opening the fridge and pulling out a carton of milk.

“He says ‘I didn’t mean it, but you need to stay away. Be happy. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.’ What the fuck does that mean, Dean?”

“Language,” Dean muttered under his breath. Sam slammed the fridge shut.

“ _Dean_! What happened?”

“Nothing important, Sammy, okay?” Sam shook his head.

“Whatever, man, I’m done trying. You keep this bottled up inside, I really don’t give a shit anymore. If you want to go your entire life keeping things in until you explode, go right ahead. Just remember that I told you so when your demons take over,” Sam said, turning on his heel and leaving Dean alone. Dean hit his head against the fridge.

_I didn’t mean it, but you need to stay away. Be happy. Don’t let anyone tell you differently._

What was he supposed to do with that? First Cas shits all over him, then wants a grand apology? Dean shook his head, looking down at his hands and finding them to be shaking. Not able to control his rage at the entire situation, Dean picked up the milk carton, whipping it across the room until it landed against the wall with a thump. He kicked the fridge, whipped plates off of the counter, threw a small lamp onto the floor. Dean sank against the fridge, resting it against the coolness.

Life was a bitch.

And now, Dean would have to reevaluate life. Life without Cas and life as a father, possibly… husband.

Dean wasn’t sure he could handle it.

Castiel wasn’t sure he could handle life alone.

Nothing was right anymore.


End file.
